SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Social event with xAPs BW

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Eponine posted 6/7/2013 21:49 PM

Just found out that xAP's BW will be attending a baby shower later this month for a mutual friend...
It's a "Meet the Baby" shower and moms and daughters are invited. I RSVPd weeks ago to attend with my three daughters (12, 15, 18) all of whom know about my A.

Advice?
Comments?

Aubrie posted 6/7/2013 21:56 PM

How does your husband feel about it?

SisterMilkshake posted 6/7/2013 22:00 PM

It would be kind of you to not go. You can call and rescind your RSVP. You might be able to arrange another time for you and your DD's to meet with this friend and her baby.

eta: spelling

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:50 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Eponine posted 6/7/2013 22:12 PM

My husband is absolutely ok with it.

[This message edited by Eponine at 11:47 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Done_withThePain posted 6/7/2013 22:17 PM

No stop sign so here's what I think- do you really want to put your children in that kind of situation where even if they know- other kids can be cruel and if any of them over hear anything from one of the adults they might say something to your kids- I just don't think it's a responsible thing to do

Eponine posted 6/7/2013 22:22 PM

The invites came via an online invitation site, you know, where you can see who's invited and who's attending and who's not. That's how I found out she's coming...I'd gone to sign up to bring an additional potluck dish when I saw her recent RSVP.

[This message edited by Eponine at 11:45 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

aesir posted 6/7/2013 22:23 PM

Does who RSVPd first have any bearing on this?

Are you asking if there is a formalized social convention or etiquette regarding how these situations are handled, or are you pretty sure of what people will say is the right thing to do and attempting to bargain?

StrongerOne posted 6/7/2013 22:29 PM

Don't go. Send your regrets anod arrange another meet the baby time with your kids.

Please, how your husband feels about this is important, but not the only consideration. Being there is cruel to your APs BW, and it's potentially devastating to your kids and to her kids.

Let go of what you *want* to do, and do what's RIGHT instead.

Aubrie posted 6/7/2013 22:31 PM

Does who RSVPd first have any bearing on this?
What are you going to do? Call the hostess and ask who RSVP'd first?

Let me put it to you this way. I'm a FWW. If I was in your shoes, I would absolutely not go to the event. Doesn't matter who did what first. Out of respect, I would step back.

Sad in AZ posted 6/7/2013 22:33 PM

You and your family seem to have a turf war going on with the FAP and his BW. I really don't understand what kind of support you are looking for.

I get that your FAP is a douche, but you opened the door for this by having the A. There are consequences. If you are hoping that his BW will quietly acquiesce to your presence in the community, you're going to have to think again.

cdnmommy posted 6/7/2013 23:12 PM

I sense that you feel little or no remorse toward the BW of your AP. Why is that?

gonnabe2016 posted 6/8/2013 00:21 AM

Eponine, why did you go back and edit your posts to remove a statement that 2 members challenged you on?

littleal posted 6/8/2013 01:27 AM

First, Your BH must be one amazing man. Be proud of that guy.

Your AP's BW is not playing nice. But, what can you expect?
Some people are stronger than others. As in other posts, can you let her dictate your life?
To move on, maybe you need to move on. Someone will have to budge... you need to be the strong one.

Eponine posted 6/8/2013 01:36 AM

"First, Your BH must be one amazing man. Be proud of that guy."

He is amazing. I am incredibly blessed. I'm proud of him and grateful to be his wife.

Your AP's BW is not playing nice. But, what can you expect?
Some people are stronger than others. As in other posts, can you let her dictate your life?
To move on, maybe you need to move on. Someone will have to budge... you

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/8/2013 01:56 AM

Your AP's BW is not playing nice.
I say it would be kind of you to not go, and you ignore. I don't even see here where, in this post, where BW isn't "playing nice". Maybe because you edited.

But, now that littleal basically tells you that the BW is being a bitch and you need to be better than her by being the strong one, you like his perspective? *shaking head*

I agree that you don't sound very remorseful and somehow you think you shouldn't have to suffer any consequences.

DeadMumWalking posted 6/8/2013 03:28 AM

Comment: it sounds to me like you really don't 'get it'. You're going to do whatever you want.

If I were at an event where OW also attended, I would be nauseous, probably have a panic attack, have to figure out a way to get out of there with a minimum of embarrassment or drama.

Is that what you want to do to her?

aesir posted 6/8/2013 06:51 AM

The choice to edit the content of your post provides a much clearer answer than any response to the question could. There is a post by uncertainone titled Dry Adultery Part Deux currently on the first page that you may find uncomfortably insightful.

A few questions to ponder for you (keep in mind that the only fair most of us see in life is the State Fair):

Did the xAP's BW participate in or cause the A?
Is it fair that the xAP's BW should have to suffer extra disruptions in her life due to the A, or should she be the one to suffer extra consequences because of it?
If yes to the above, would you say the same thing about your BH?

If I were at an event where OW also attended, I would be nauseous, probably have a panic attack, have to figure out a way to get out of there with a minimum of embarrassment or drama.

Is that what you want to do to her?


You are coming across as though this is a non issue to you. Not sure it is fair to conclude so at this point, but that is the impression you are leaving.

I can tell you that there is no upside for you if you both attend. I recently had a social event where STBXW's xAP showed up. The evening was much better for me than him despite my doing nothing, but I am a long way out, early on and it would have been even worse for him.

Send your regrets, or have an emergency come up, or whatever other excuse you want to make, but don't go.

FinallyHappy posted 6/8/2013 07:14 AM

Both her threads sound to me like her BH does not want his family's activities dictated by her AP (who thinks he's rather a bigshot locally).

Ep's town has a gym, with a pool. She and her daughter use the gym. Her bigshot XAP's family uses the pool. XAP's town also has a pool, but they choose to use the gym in Ep's town......because??? That's probably not going to fly with a judge if the AP and his wife try to get a restraining order, which apparently her AP threatened her BH with.

If what you, Eponine, say is true about the invites being online and all...then the BW accepted quite a while after you accepted, knowing you'll be there? I'd avoid *that* like a plaque. It sounds to me like they're trying to start something or set you up.

I think your BH needs to make clear to your AP that he will be exposed unless HE backs off.

I'm smelling testosterone, not estrogen. And why the heck does it seem like your H is so intimidated by someone who screwed his wife? I think *he* needs to set down some laws to Mr. Bigshot.

JMO.

PS - Oh, and the best thing you can do until the dick-measuring is over is stay FAR, FAR away from all of them.

SM -

I don't even see here where, in this post, where BW isn't "playing nice". Maybe because you edited.

No. You'd have to take the time to read and digest both of her threads (not posts).

To me, it sounds like her AP is dictating the 'laws' to her BH, who somehow feels subservient to her AP.

I rather doubt that the BW is driving this bullshit. She's complaining to 'it' (the OM), and he's trying to dictate the 'rules' to Ep's BH.

Not cool, IMO.

IMO, her BH has as many rights and expectations as the BW. He has as much right not to see or deal with 'it's' family, as her AP's BW does.

DMW:

Comment: it sounds to me like you really don't 'get it'. You're going to do whatever you want.

It sounds to me like she's trying to do what her BH wants.

Unfortunately, it's going to take her BH to lay the law down. I hope he does.

Okay, so am I totally off base here? Tell me if I am.

RockyMtn posted 6/8/2013 07:33 AM

Turf wars and RSVP order aside...

Think of the lady with the baby! It really isn't about you or the AP's BW. It really and honestly is not about this affair at all. Its about celebrating a new life and an expanded family. You know, if you were talking about a girls night out where you were both invited...fine, you have options there to weigh, turf to defend, whatever.

Not here. If anything - anything at all - were to erupt there...even noticeable tension it creates a sideshow. That's on you. And, I would even say its on the AP's BW. Put your friend with the baby first. She's most important on this day, in this event. Stay away.

FinallyHappy posted 6/8/2013 07:43 AM

Yep. What a great post, RM.

Hopefully *both* couples get that.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.