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He can't seem to have NC

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divergurl posted 6/8/2013 00:55 AM

So on may 6/2013 the day after our 9 yr anniversary my H drops a bomb on me and tells me that just as i suspected for the last month he is having an affair and he loves her and is leaving me and our 2 kids(7 & 3). He also informs me that he dosn't want to be far away from me so he can always be here to help so he and the OW have talked about buying the house 3 doors down from our house so he can be near!!! WTF!!! are you kidding me??? as if you having an affair wasn"t bad enough you want to move in down the road so i can be subjected to it forever??? so after a week of crying and hitting (him) we finally sat down and talked and he realized that he does not want to lose me and wants to R!!! I also want to reconcile because i learned that i did play a part in making him feel un needed, loved etc.( no excuse but it is the truth) He tells me he needs time though to get his head into leaving her because he has been for the last month planning to be with her forever. It has been 2mths and he has tried repeatedly to tell her but has not been able to make himself do it!! I am dying everytime he sees her!! (only for coffe etc.) but still it hurts me so bad that he is un willing to hurt her but has no problem tourturing me at least a couple times a week. i don't know how much longer i can do this!! therapist says it would be better to let A die natural death so H has nothing to go back to but i don't know how to cope with knowingly letting him go spend time with her!!! Does anyone have any suggestions for the times i'm sitting alone waiting for him to come back??

Jpapageorge posted 6/8/2013 01:22 AM

Hey Divergurl. Welcome to the best site you never wanted to join. I am glad you found our little corner of the internet.

Have you read the Healing Library yet?(In the little yellow box on the upper lefthand corner) You will find alot of useful information there. You should also read the Great Posts for Newbies thread. Both help start to answer many of your questions.

Your H needs to stop ALL contact with the OW NOW. Not later, not when it is convienient, not slowly to ease the pain for the OW. NOW. You are worth more than what he is doing to you. An A is not a natural thing and does not deserve "to die a natural death."

You need to take care of you and your children. You can not control what your H does but you can control your life. If your H is not willing to commit wholey and completely to your marriage by going NC with the OW, he does not belong anywhere near you nor your children.

Remember to take time to breathe. Just breathe. This is a painful time and it is easy to forget to do the simple things. Make sure you are getting any nutrition you can, if you do not stay healthy you can not be there for your kids.

You did not do anything to make your H have an A. No matter what problems you may have been having in your M, YOU did not cause the A.

Hang in there, it can get a little slow around here on the weekends but we are here for you. Others will be along soon.

Just breathe, you can get through this.


Done_withThePain posted 6/8/2013 01:23 AM

I'm sorry but this is unacceptable to leave his wife and family waiting hike he continues to eat cake which is what he is doing and now with you consent. Honey you and your family are worth more than this. You cannot nice him back to you- my advice is 180 him hard until he comes back to reality and possibly even file and let him know that after the divorce is final you will live for you and your kiddos even if it means moving to not be near the their toxic relationship. Please read the healing library and read about the 180. Be the example on how to be strong for your kids- not a doormat- hugs to you and I know theses things are hard to hear

wildbananas posted 6/8/2013 01:46 AM

Hi... welcome to SI. I'm sorry you're here but I'm so glad you found us.

I'm sorry but that therapist is a nut. The A should die a natural death? Really? That's akin to my XH (known as ex-asshat in these parts) telling me he wanted to still be friends with his (multiple) OW. Neither of those things are conductive to a marriage. At all.

I did a lot of the sitting and waiting game. A LOT. There is not one good thing that comes from it. It's bad for you and it's bad for your babies.

I can't tell you what to do but I will say this. If I had it to do all over again, I would have done it completely different. I wouldn't have waited for him to decide if he wanted me. I would have thought long and hard about if I wanted HIM. And really, after the first As... I didn't but didnt leave for about six more years.

Like j said, it's slow on the weekends sometimes. Stick around, more folks will be along.

I'm sorry for your pain.


Dare2Trust posted 6/8/2013 02:14 AM


I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you are going through....

Your therapist is DEAD WRONG...and your WH (wayward husband)must end this affair NOW,and stop all contact with this OW (Other Woman).
If this OW is married, her husband needs to know about the affair at once!

There is no room in a marriage for a 3rd person - so this woman must go now!

gonnabe2016 posted 6/8/2013 02:32 AM


You are his wife.
You are the mother of his children.

He pulls the "I'm leaving you...psych" thing on you, but. ...he's still having 'coffee dates' with her???? And you are just supposed to be all like "ok" with that?


Pack this guy's shit up in the cheapest trash bags that you can find and dump them on the OW's porch.

Right now he is choosing OW. It is time for you to stop sitting around and crying because he's with her. Choose YOU. FTG.

crazynot posted 6/8/2013 02:37 AM

I need to give you some advice here because my situation four years ago was very similar to yours. My ex said he was in love and wanted to leave 'but I'll get somewhere very close, you can have the house, and I'll always be there for you blah blah blah'. I nearly died from the pain, and got him to stay and keep the affair underground for the three months until our daughter's 'A' levels (pre-university). Sadly, as these things happen, her friends told her anyway so we were a house of secrets, misery and lies and I had a nervous breakdown. Then in the summer he dumped OW and agreed to reconcile... I was ecstatic, but he never ever really stopped seeing her. It all fell apart at Christmas and we separated permanently. What would I have done differently? I absolutely know what would have (a) made it more likely that he would have dumped her properly or (b) that I would have shaved six months off my recovery time from the serious clinical depression it caused. I should have asked him to leave that night, taken his keys, told the kids and then seen a lawyer the same week and filed for divorce. You're in an AGONISING situation, and his talking about R means nothing, nothing AT ALL, while he is still seeing her. The thing to remember is, at the moment you're showing him that he can get away with treating you like dirt. That's not attractive and counter-productive. However much your heart is breaking (and it is, I know), taking your power and flinging him out on his ear is the ONLY thing to do while he's seeing OW. Let him beg his way back in when he's ready to do this ON YOUR TERMS.

avicarswife posted 6/8/2013 03:30 AM

Hi honey welcome to SI, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.

I suggest you get a new therapist. This one is wrong - affairs often don't die a natural death. This is because they aren't rooted in reality. An affair is NOT based in reality, it has the adrenaline buzz from doing something illicit.

There is no morning breath in affair land.
The money difficulties are not there.
There is no skid marks left in the toilet
No dirty laundrey scattered around the bedroom.
No kids with vomiting and diarrhoea.
No tired spouse trying to hold everything together.

Affairs are in fairy land with unicorns farting rainbows!
The meet ups are planned with everyone on best behaviour.
They are invariably groomed, waxed, shaved and showered etc.
No kids interrupting sex with crying etc etc.

No contact is a must - this cannot be negotiable.

If your WH has not told her that they are over and he is staying with you, I am sorry but they will not be meeting for just coffee. He will be cake-eating - promising both of you a future with him.

He says he doesn't want to hurt her? So instead he is willing to torture you???

He tells me he needs time though to get his head into leaving her because he has been for the last month planning to be with her forever.

Slow withdrawal does not work - it keeps feeding the addiction.

Here are a few helpful links that you may want to read and cut and paste the relevant part into a document of him to read.

Good luck and keep posting.

The book How to Help your Spouse Heal from You Affair by Linda MacDonald is very helpful. Ask your spuse to read it. It is really sort and only takes a couple of hours. It is out on kindle too.

Mack9512 posted 6/8/2013 05:55 AM


I am so sorry you are here. All of us here have/are going thru what you are going thru. Use us for support, as a sounding board or any thing else you need.

My IC said the same thing, however with the caveat that it is easier to start a true reconcilation when the WS/OP ends the A voluntarily and there are no longer the rainbow farting unicorn feelings involved. Doesn't always work out the way we would want it to though.

The biggest thing to help with ending the A is to break it open and shine the harsh light of reality on it. In my case, once reality reared its ugly head, my fwH saw the MOW for the type of person she really was. Also my fwH saw what his reality would be like; how his life would be without me in it and with minimum contact with our DD.

You need to take care of yourself, as those that commented before me has said. Make sure you eat and sleep. Meditating and going to therapy helped me center myself and gain inner strength. Exercise. Find a lawyer to get your ducks in a row. Keep your kids close and use your friends/family (including your SI family) for support. Read up on your situation. I found "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass to be very helpful.

Please remember that none of this is your fault. No matter what you did or didn't do in your marriage. You did not make him cheat...he made the decision to cheat.

Reach out whenever you need. We will be here.


Holly-Isis posted 6/8/2013 07:58 AM

The only way this changes is of you change.

When you decide that sharing your WH is worse than potential D, then it ends.

Why would the A die a natural death any time soon? He gets the wonderful date relationship that has no real pressures and he gets the steady woman at home...who's letting him date.

Right now, you're the only one in the M. A M does not include third parties. Read BS FAQs #11 in the Healing Library. It will help you begin to detach so you can stop being torn apart as much. Stop doing the wife things for him. We can't love our WSs back to us because what the brokenness in them is seeking is more validation. So being loving to them actually keeps them feeling good...but they tell themselves it's because of the AP.

Pull away, show him the reality of being single with someone whose willing to cheat. Show him what child support will look like. Do whatever you can to show him that even if he chooses her, you are a strong woman and will not tolerate your cheating husband to move nearby with his slut. You deserve better than that.

I had a counselor also say to let my husband end the A on his terms. I tried to love him back to me, twice. It wasn't until my pastor told me that D usually wakes a WS up that I began turning away from MrH. I was ready to D and suddenly that balance he had with his ego fed by xOw2 and myself collapsed.

Yes, he might choose to leave...but really, what are you losing? A cheater willing to break your heart daily. Because I would bet my first born he's not just having coffee with her. Unless coffee is code for sex.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 8:01 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

foxglove posted 6/8/2013 08:35 AM

Hi Divergurl,

Welcome to SI. There are lots of people here who've been exactly where you are right now. It is so painful, but you will survive.

You've already received some great advice, and I would just add that what your WH is doing is dating right in front of you. This is incredibly disrespectful to you as his wife and mother. I, too had a spouse who was very concerned about how his AP was handling the breakup, and therefore continued to keep in contact with her.

I'm not sure if your therapist is a marriage councilor or an individual councilor (IC), but I recommend you find someone else. The advice is wrong. Dead wrong. Your WH needs to cease all contact.

I'd recommend sitting your WH down and calmly explaining to him that there can't be three people in a marriage. Marriage is only for two, and right now, his continued contact is unacceptable. Let him know that he he has a choice - to either be married to you, and repair the damage that he's done or to be divorced. The choice is his to make, but you will not be in a marriage where one of you is dating. It's important to convey to him that you have too much self-respect to allow him to date his AP and that your feelings come first. That has to be a firm boundary for you.

Also, please know that none of this is your fault. None of it. Again, it was his choice to have an affair.

It's very important to focus on you right now, especially your physical and mental health. Remember to eat, drink water, and get a little exercise. If you haven't done so, get tested for STDs.

As difficult as it is to believe right now, you have more power and strength than you realize. He does not have to make all the decisions-you can make decisions as well.

Keep posting. We're all here for you.

[This message edited by foxglove at 8:36 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

tushnurse posted 6/8/2013 08:38 AM

Others have given you great advice. Welcome. Advice given here is from those of us who have been there done that.

That being said its time for you to take control of the things you can control. You need to decide what you need for R. Clearly and simply say them and outline consequences.
Stick to them. You cannot R while he is still in contact with her.

You also need to fire your therapist. That is the biggest line of BS I have ever heard. The reason your h had an A is he is broken. He has to figure this out so he doesn't EVER do it again. There is no natural death of an A.

One last thing I strongly recommend is seeing an attorney ASAP. Find out what your rights are. Knowledge is power. Power is strength.

((((and strength))))

Ladyogilvy posted 6/8/2013 10:02 AM

So sorry you need SI but glad you found us. Your WH has no idea the destruction he is causing you and your marriage. He is completely delusional and you are not helping him by protecting him from the reality of his actions. His A and his behavior since you've known about it will forever change your lives and who each of you is. Please read, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and then give it to him. It lays out clearly the cost of what he has done and is doing. He can either continue ruining your lives or start helping you heal.

Meanwhile, it's time to start taking care of you. Start making your life all about you and think about him as little as possible. I know, easier said than done. You healing from this is going to take time with or without him. Start by taking as good care of yourself as possible. Get help from where ever you can. SI is a great place to start.

Kierst13 posted 6/8/2013 10:13 AM

It isn't that he can't have NC it's that he's choosing to stay in contact.

Hefty bag his crap and put it on the porch. He can stay with the stray dogs on the street.

cdnmommy posted 6/8/2013 10:25 AM

therapist says it would be better to let A die natural death so H has nothing to go back to but i don't know how to cope with knowingly letting him go spend time with her!!!

That therapist is an idiot.

Please read up on the 180. You need to look after yourself and your kids, and your WH needs to understand that his little fantasy of moving 3 doors down with his AP and all of you playing happy extended family is not going to happen.

My suggestion for the next time he goes to see her? Have a bag packed (preferably a hefty) so that when he gets back he doesn't have to waste any time leaving. Have a friend take the kids so they don't have to be there, and calmly tell him that you are not okay with sitting around while he messes with your head. Tell him he doesn't get to make the decision to stay with you since you have made it already. Make him leave. Then, expose the A to anyone who can support you. Is the OW in a relationship? Tell her SO. Tell his family and yours. See an attorney to ensure your rights are protected.

Then work on detaching using the 180. (See Get yourself strong. My guess is that he will realize very fast that he doesn't really want to lose you and the kids. After all, he hasnt left yet. At that point, you can evaluate whether he is still worth having. There is a "Before you say reconcile" thread on here that might be a good resource. But, regardless of whether he comes back or not, the 180 will help you be healthier and mentally stronger.

Above all be kind to yourself. You did not cause him to cheat. That is on him and his to fix. He is not doing that, and two months is two months too long a grace period.


isadora posted 6/8/2013 11:10 AM

My FWH said a lot of the same stuff. I felt it was my fault for not giving him enough attention. I didn't know then that no amount of attention would ever be enough to fill the gaping void in him. He told me since I was getting him, that he needed to let her down easy.

I finally got pissed and told him to go be with her. He changed his tune. He took the A underground for a few more weeks before he sent the NC letter.

he will string this out as long as you let him. It stops when you say it does.

Heavy Sigh posted 6/8/2013 11:53 AM

The counselor is right only in that your husband will never end the affair and be committed to you again until HE WANTS those things.

He needs a dose of reality. Here are your next steps and no, you won't like it but it's the only way to burst his OW fantasy bubble.

1. He must leave your home. He must move into an apartment or rooming house - not live with a male friend or guest room of a family member where he pretends to stay while living with OW secretly. Or a place where his parents watch your kids all day and he does little of hit himself. He says it's too costly and expensive to live separately and pay double utility payments, water, , internet service etc? Then tell him what the hell does he think would happen in a divorce? Does he think OW will support him entirely while his money goes to child support etc? Inflict reality on him through this.

2. He must "babysit" his own kids in his apartment and not do so at your house while you are there or out of the house, but will have to take care of them HIMSELF, 24/7, on his own every other weekend or whatever schedule you choose, and no assistance from you. He can't pretend to be head of household in your house - having two wives, one who raises his kids and one he screws, or screws both. He has to be treated to the reality that he will experience consequences, that his life will change in a divorce. Not being in your home, at all, except to pick up kids at the door for his visitation, would be how the divorce would be. So he should now, as long as with OW, have to entertain his kids, bathe them, chase after them, feed them, and do it 24/7 on his own in that apartment or rooming house where he has the kids for an entire weekend. If he watches kids in your house, he doesn't have reality because he gets to play dad and groceries are there, you're there to take up some of the slack and he can go party that night or do what He wants to do. He needs them a full three days, and you'll need the break anyhow for hair, nails, any kind of restorative help if only lunches with a best friend and movies that you want to watch without chasing kids all day.

3. Tell tell him if he moves in with OW, or has her looking after the kids because he gets bored doing it, then you'll file on grounds of adultery rather than on grounds of one-year separation or unreconcilable differences. Tell him that you do not wish to raise your children with values that it's OK to fuck around while married and to have one's latest fucks watch the children. That your values are that a parent does the parenting, not a girlfriend, and for all you know she's a coke-snorting party girl who isn't suitable to be around your kids, or would lose it around kids or could be abusive. That UNTIL HE IS MARRIED, he can't have his fuck partners in house with kids and sleeping with her in front of them.

4. If you have legal separation in your state, then consider this, so that he won't get loans off credit cards or elsewhere, using your name as credit, since as long as you are married and not legally separated, he can legally get cash to buy his OW diamonds, vacations or whatever, and you would likely be stuck paying for half of it in the end. Or get advice from a lawyer of how to prevent this from happening. If he divorces you, then judge could award you 50 percent of your husband's debt to pay off. Even if judge doesn't, and your husband refuses to pay off debt, the credit companies and banks will come after you and hound you to death no matter what judge ruled.

5. If you know you can't afford the home with your income and child support, that it takes both your incomes for all utilities etc.... then you need to begin cleaning and making repairs to think ahead in case it must be put on the market. If you don't divorce, you'll have a less-cluttered home in better repair to ease stress during reconciliation, which is hell even under the best of circumstances. If you do divorce, then you won't be sorting old baby clothes and toys and photos and crying at the same time you're dealing with decrees and lawyers.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 12:02 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

UnsettledOne posted 6/8/2013 12:40 PM

You have gotten some wise councel here one thing I would are taking resposibility for his affair and giving him a pass due to life situation...

You are in no way responsible for what he has done...if you didn't treat him well in the marriage then he should have asked for marriage counceling rather than bring a third party into your marriage.

When I read your post two things were magnified to me ..the first what a prick to do this to you and our young children should not excuse him because you did not always respect nor appreciate him...

Jospehine85 posted 6/8/2013 12:51 PM

Kick him out today. Change the locks and file for divorce on Monday.

What can happen if you do this?

1. It shocks him into his senses and he willingly goes NC with OW and works his ass off to get back in your life.

2. He stays in contact with OW.

If it's option 1, you can later put a halt to the divorce proceedings.

If it's option 2, you will have maintained your self respect, put yourself on the path to resolution and healing much sooner and saved yourself months (if not years) being kept on the hook as plan B if his love affair didn't pan out.

Right now you are simply agreeing to being his back up plan. He has chosen OW over you. FTG. Get mad. Put on your bitch boots and don't let anyone disrespect you that way.

Josephine01 posted 6/8/2013 15:43 PM

Good advice Heavy Sigh.

I think that your H wants his cake and eat it too. He needs a reality check. My personal opinion is that you need another therapist. But, I might be wrong about that.

Good luck, friend

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