Right now, it is treated like a personal problem that should be kept private. But, think of the preventative measures we practice to protect ourselves from less serious health problems than infidelity. Everyone knows to wash hands to help prevent colds. Everyone knows to wear seatbelts and helmets. Everyone know to practice safe sex and if they don't the consequences can be serious. Why not start similar educational campaigns to teach people about the risks of infidelity? Not some religious, morality based preaching but hard facts about symptoms caused by infidelity and what it takes to recover.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 1:02 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]
If we can't get a national day (great idea silverhopes!), we can at least reinforce the idea of faithfulness to our children. By explaining loving commitment in an age-appropriate way, you can reinforce the idea of healthy relationships.
This is one of the reasons I get frustrated when someone stays in a really bad M 'for the kids'. What are we teaching them if we allow them to see us be abused?
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
24 years down the tubes, but at least I lost my man boobs.
We have don't drink and drive campaigns. We have AA meetings.
Infidelity is just as much as a health problem as smoking is and look at all the adds against smoking.
Oh, but it's okay to talk about trying to quit smoking or smoking related cancer, drug and alcohol problems now but not infidelity. "Nobody wants to know." "I don't want to get involved." Both things I heard after DD. really callous when you think about the serious health issues involved. I know I'm not the only one who ended up on a heart moniter after the A. There's the risk of suicide. Both physical and mental health issues. I wonder what else the research says or if the research has even been done?
Then there's the work missed, family's financially ruined, homes lost. Damage to the children carried to the next generation.
People need to know this is a health issue that impacts individuals,families and society. It's something there should be societal pressure to prevent, interventions, etc... It's not something to encourage through a conspiracy of silence.
Instead of romanticizing infidelity, instead of men patting themselves each other on the back... Instead of women justifying their behavior...
People should see the true costs of affairs without having to go through it themselves.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 9:02 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]
It is a health issue. A serious one. I had both mental and physical health problems as a direct result of D-Day, and some of those problems took years to resolve. I couldn't eat or sleep. The lack of nutrition cause anemia and some gastro-intestinal issues that eventually landed me in the hospital having surgery. The combination of lack of sleep, high anxiety and lack of proper nutrition caused me to get a respiratory infection that led to pneumonia.
I was so sick for so long that I lost my job. It was just impossible for me to function.
Our oldest son has autism, and the stress of our separation and the chaos within our family as a result of his dad's A was tremendous. He did suffer emotionally and he took many steps back at home and at school. On top of the counseling for me, his dad and our marriage, DS1 saw a therapist for a long time to help him cope.
While I didn't get an STD, it is certainly an outcome that many BS's deal with.
The cost of infidelity is far greater than just a failed marriage. The physical and financial toll it takes is astounding.
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
We come to an anonymous web forum to discuss among those that understand. I'm not sure I want my family to be the "poster child" for infidelity.
Aside from making FWH immediately accountable and choking off any possibility of him making up a BS reason for why I left him, the long-term outcome has been helpful. Because other people know, both of us have had couples come to us specifically for advice when infidelity has happened in their relationship.
I'm not embarrassed by the A. It wasn't something that I could control anymore than I could prevent a plane falling out of the sky on my house.
There is no shame in being cheated ON.
It was a long while ago - it might have been published in the aftermath of Nelson Rockefeller's death.
Lord only knows the long-term effects all of this will have on our kid's future. My own father's infidelity against my mother is something that has affected me greatly before I had to deal with it in my own relationship.
Unfortunately a lot of cheaters just don't give a fuck what damage their actions will cause someone else. It's not a lack of knowledge as much as a lack of concern for anyone but their broken selves.
My PSA would basically be "If you know or know of someone who is a cheater or who is thinking about cheating..... punch them in their idiot faces every chance you get"
[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 3:22 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]
My dad cheated on my mom with someone younger than me. My mother lost her mind with the pain, and had a nervous breakdown. Even though I watched all of that happen, and I felt bad for her, I never knew how much pain she went through until it happened to me.
So, maybe you could tell people. But I don't know if a person can realize the possible damage unless they've lived it.
Or maybe an intensive, physiological study on betrayed and wayward partners. A properly conducted, physical science based study on the health effects of infidelity, something that can be widely published or at least used as the standard for all other studies. So far it seems like the studies are limited to asking participants questions and opinions, all of which could be subjective. Might be nice to have some hard exact science behind such research.
One thing for sure... MC's need to get research based training to work with couples dealing with infidelity. We all probably have more applicable experience from living through it and supporting each other on SI than most MC's do.
It is also a health issue from an STD perspective - I've had 'issues' for years. What I thought were yeast infections. I'm having more sex now than I ever did in my M and interestingly I've not had a single 'yeast infection'. The truth is I was most likely getting bacterial infections from his whore self and his whores.