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Needed a good vent!!! (sorry so long)

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scangel3 posted 6/8/2013 01:29 AM

I know I have been posting often lately, and for being 3+ years out, one would think I wouldn't need to be posting on here so much, at least not in general. And I am sure you guys are sick of reading my posts when I won't leave WH. But I need to vent and I have no where else to do it so here it is...

So I found a new site that WH had an account on, its called badoo. It's a site you can chat with other men/women from where ever, but you can set up your alerts to what ever you want. His was set to only alert him about women and in are area. I found this site because OW has an account. Now granted because of their pictures that they have on their profiles (OW and WH) it was probably set up 3 years ago during their A. I was never told about this account, therefore never got full disclosure on ALL accounts he had. I assumed he used this to chat to OW without me being able to see it, since I was constantly monitoring FB.

I found this a couple of days ago, and it's been eating at me. I have been watching that account like a hawk over the past couple of days, and nothing has been happening, that I can tell. However, he is getting alerts everyday in his email that tells him there is a x# of new girls in "this" area that he may want to chat with. They have been opened and then sent to his trash folder. And this is still to this day that he is doing this.

He swears however, that he doesn't go on that site, and has never been on that site. He only looks at the emails so it doesn't show that he has an unread email on his phone, but he doesn't delete them. Which was a whole lie all on its own since I found the emails in his trash folder not his inbox. He claims he has no clue who set it up, but it wasn't him. After I called him on his shit, told him I wasn't going to be made to feel crazy, like he tried every time I caught him in a lie. I left, (already planned on leaving so it wasn't quite as a shock when I left). He swore he had no idea what the site was, and has never used it, especially to talk to OW, not even 3 years ago.

He has no memory of it what so ever, or at least that is what he said to me. Once I had left he sent me a text, he said he obviously set up the account because of all the pictures that were on it (which were of him and our kids, and out of the 27 pics only 1 had me in it). But he does not remember ever setting up the account, but he swears he never used it to talk to OW.

So my first question to him was, How can you be so 100% sure that you never used it to talk to OW on, if you can't remember ever even setting it up? He had NO response for that one.

He claims to want to be with me, even though he doesn't love me. Yet he pulls this shit. He has until September/October to show me (with actions) that he wants us to work out and go to MC to do whatever we can to fix us and get past this. Yet he does this!!! Yeah some real actions showing me I should stay right? UGH I am just so pissed and hurt right now, but at the same time feel eerily calm and numb (it goes back and forth between the two).

I think the numbness comes from knowing it's either learn to live like this or make some changes, because he is never going to change, or do what I need to make me feel secure and loved again, and to regain trust again.

Now it has me wondering if OW was the only OW at the time, or at least at the beginning? Maybe once they fell in love she was the only one, but I am slowly learning I really have NO idea who my husband is/was. This isn't the only "friend" finder account/site I have found. He was following one on twitter, he did visit the site from the twitter link, but he admitted that to me. And it was during his A. So obviously having a wife, and a girlfriends wasn't enough, he had to possibly chat, and look at other girls at the same time. It makes me sick!!! Who the fuck knows he could still be looking/chatting with these girls, I honestly don't know!!! I don't know anything anymore, especially about him!

I am just so tired of finding new lies that have been kept from me!!! Even if he doesn't remember the account now, he should have told me after final dday when we were laying all the shit on the line!!! But NOPE he conveniently "forgot" that account, and his twitter feed he was following about the other girls that could "show you a good time".

What did I ever do to deserve this??? I know I was messed up real bad before the A, I know we were rocky and I had kept telling him I wanted to D months before the A started, but that was my PPD talking, once I got on a descent med that worked for the time being, I made a promise not to bring up the D word again, unless I really truly meant it and planned on filling. And guess what I didn't, I thought we were getting better, getting past the year and a half of hell called PPD!!!

Besides this new site that has me realling, I can't stop thinking about the first text I intersepted between the two of them DDAY #1, our daughters 5th birthday. That read, WH: "send me a picture with cleavage", OW: "won't your wife get mad?", WH: "She will never find out"!!! UGH WTF??? I can't get it out of my head today, and it's driving me crazy!!! That text was not the man I knew and loved, and definately not the man I married and chose to have children with!!! Where did that man go, the one I fell in love with, the one I married, and had kids with, the one I felt was my superman, and could protect me from everything??? He was and will forever be gone, and I hate that!!! I hate that he took this from me, he made me feel so worthless and insecure in my own home, with my own family, we were living in a house with 7 people in it, and I have never felt more lonely then I did then!!! And he did that, and he still has NO remorse, he says he is sorry, and wish's he hadn't done it, but his actions show me something different, his actions show me that he has NO remorse what so ever about everything he did, even before the A when I was in the throws of my PPD, when he stopped loving me and emotionally walked out on me in my biggest time of need!!!

Sorry this was so long, I needed to get this all off my chest, a good vent always makes me feel better, but tonight it's not helping much, so I am just going to stop here!!!

karmahappens posted 6/8/2013 01:35 AM

I am sorry you are hurting....I think the only thing that matters is this

He claims to want to be with me, even though he doesn't love me

You want to R with someone that openly admits they do not love you?

The only advice I can offer is to start loving yourself. Don't settle for this. Don't teach your kids it's ok to spend your life unloved...

It makes me sad for you.

scangel3 posted 6/8/2013 12:06 PM

karmahappens; yeah sounds crazy huh? How could someone want to R with someone that doesn't love them? I have no idea why I still feel like this? Why I don't feel like I deserve better, logically I know I deserve better, but my heart won't let me go there.

I know I need IC and to 180 my WH, and through that hopefully my self esteem will improve and I will get stronger.

Don't teach your kids it's ok to spend your life unloved

this hits home, I don't want my kids to grow up in two homes, but living like I am now, is raising them in a broken family even if we are still together. I have to get past that I made vows for the rest of my life, and see it for what it is. I would never forgive myself if my daughter grew up and lived a life with someone that didn't truly love her. And my boys too, or worse they pulled the same crap as their dad! It would break my heart, even more then it already is!!!

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my long vent.

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