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xWW...stressful few days establishing new boundaries

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dlmos posted 6/8/2013 01:45 AM

Wow so its been a stressful couple days... A little over a month ago a girl I had been talking with for a while started dating and made the move to exclusive BF/GF. While I'm really excited and happy about that, its what the xWW started doing after that has been wearing me out.

So right after finding out I had a GF she had a breakdown every time we swapped the kids out for the next few days. Things slowly got back to normal until a couple days ago when she she started dropping hints that something was bugging her. We had to file an appeal for our DS and DD disability because they double counted by child support and disqualified them on income level. So we go together so I can verify those were CS payments, and while we are there she drops a bomb. About a month ago she went out partying with a the same crappy people she went out with on DDay and she left to go home with a guy after both her and him were thoroughly drunk. At some point she decided she didnt want to sleep with him and he got violent and slapped her around and raped her. She refuses to file charges and says she doesn't even know his last name, number etc... I tried my best to be supportive and recommended she immediately get tested for STD's and get into IC. After the whole thing was over she began texting me about how thankful she was that I reacted the way I did.

Just to be clear my preferance is guys like that belong in the ground, but this one will see no justice....

Then she starts drops bomb #2...She wants to R... Now I tried to keep my GF in the loop about all of this for the sake of transparency and know I've been weaing her out. I didnt shut down the R talk firmly enough and left the door open. I was so stressed out I called in sick to work the next day to get some time to myself, but the ex had to leave town to visit her fam and so I had to go by and sort out a money issue. I took that time to firmly establish that there is no hope for R. Now today she has been texting like crazy. I reaffirmed my position and then went with crickets. But all the texts about how its "whats best for the kid's", how the "need me" etc... stresses the hell out of me. While I have no intention of R I get worked up at the mention that I'm turning my back on the kids...

The GF has been very supportive even though I know it has to make her feel like there are sharks in the water. I decided rather than hear the texts ping in I would just hit the batting cages till she stopped. 600 swings, 8 blisters and a midway break for dinner later she finally gave up...

All of this is just stressful and confusing..

Good news though, after 8 years of never swinging a bat I can still crush a fastball.

Coraline posted 6/8/2013 01:57 AM

I am so sorry your ex has found a new way to use the kids to manipulate you. She sucks, and I hope she leaves you alone again soon.

h0peless posted 6/8/2013 02:44 AM

Ugh. I can see how that might screw you up royally. She's hoovering. Trying to get you to be her KISA and save her from the shitty life she has made for herself. As Admiral Akbar once said, "It's a trap!"

But my mind would be completely fucked if my ex came to me right now and asked to get back together. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Sad in AZ posted 6/8/2013 06:36 AM

She sure knows which buttons to push. I won't lecture you but maybe you can change the way you exchange the kids so that it's in a public place and she can't make a scene?

Lots of luck with the new gf

cmego posted 6/8/2013 07:31 AM

When I told EX that I was dating for the first time...he started crying.

Your ex is trying to get your attention, and I wouldn't be surprised if the rape just a story. They believe you will forever be in love with them, always rescue them, etc. The slap of reality is a hard one for them to take, so they resort to old manipulative tactics. She doesn't really want to R, she just doesn't want you to realize what a piece of shit she really is.

Keep talking to your girlfriend. Keep her in the loop.

stronger08 posted 6/8/2013 07:33 AM

I would not firmly believe the rape claim so quickly. Especially if she refuses to press charges. This could be an outright lie or ploy to entice to back via the sympathy route. I'm sorry if she did get raped but I don't think that's the case here. Lets face facts, she is a liar. As for her request for R. Why all of a sudden when you get a GF does she want back in ? Most likely because she see's you have moved on and is losing power. Don't burden the new GF with these issues too much. It might just scare her away. And if your entertaining thoughts of R perhaps its not fair to be dating now. Just my two cents.

SBB posted 6/8/2013 08:12 AM

Make no mistake friend - this is all about control. You are no longer under her control and she wants it back.

Stop talking to her. TOTAL NC - kids/finances only and even then ONLY the essentials. Don't give her a chance to tell you any sob stories.

I'm very sorry if she was raped but you know what? NOT YOUR PROBLEM. She sacked you from that job. IMO its an inappropriate discussion to have with you in the first place. You are not her soft place to land anymore.

She wants R? Tough titties lady. Bakery is closed.
This is a fishing expedition of the hoovering variety.

This pond has no water. There are no fish in this pond. Fuck off.

Dark Inertia posted 6/8/2013 08:15 AM

I don't believe the rape story. And what is best for the kids is a happy father. She does not make you happy. She stresses you out. Tell her politely it's not happening, and there is nothing left to discuss. If she is still hanging out with the same shitheads from dday it doesn't sound like she has even changed.

roughroadahead posted 6/8/2013 09:46 AM

I think it is terribly cruel to openly doubt her rape story without a good reason, and most rape victims don't report. However, this doesn't mean it is your problem.

She's manipulating you and trying to bait you using the kids. She made that mess, not you, so don't feel guilty for a second. Only respond to direct questions about the kids. It will die down eventually.

dlmos posted 6/8/2013 09:56 AM

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the replies. I wonder myself about the rape story, the timing is odd with the R talk. I've gone full NC and she's seems to have backed off finally this morning. I have no desire to R and am not entertaining any thought. I just need to make clear that a business relationship is the only one from now on.

Williesmom posted 6/8/2013 10:06 AM

Hang in there. It's definately a control issue with her.

Even if she was raped, it was really a product of her own poor actions and decisions. Her actions have consequences. She needs to make better decisions in all parts of her life.

You need to be consistently clear, and it sounds like you're getting there. It's a process.

nowiknow23 posted 6/8/2013 13:25 PM

****Posting as a member****

I am incredibly troubled reading some of the statements on this thread. None of us (other than dlmos, of course) know this woman. None of us are capable of determining whether her report is truthful or not.

With that being said, if she was raped, it was the action of a rapist that caused it. To say anything else is implying that the victim is at fault. And I cannot sit back and let that kind of statement float by.

Back to your post, dlmos - keep the communications open with your gf and tightly shut down with xWW. Your boundaries are only as good as your defense of them.

Dark Inertia posted 6/8/2013 13:32 PM

I am incredibly troubled reading some of the statements on this thread. None of us (other than dlmos, of course) know this woman. None of us are capable of determining whether her report is truthful or not.

How many times have people here said OW is probably lying when she said her BH beats her? How many times have people said OW is probably lying that she is pregnant, emotionally abused, etc etc? All. The. Time. How is this different from what everyone else advices on the forums? Why are posters not stepping in to say "Hey, you don't know the OW!! You don't know whether her husband beats her or not! It is cruel to doubt her!"

We could get sensitive over a lot of things, but we're not here for dlmos' ex wife, we're here to support him. Her past behavior and the timing leads one to question her story. It is what it is.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 1:52 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

roughroadahead posted 6/8/2013 13:46 PM

Nobody, OW, WW or whoever does anything to derserve to be beaten or raped, no matter who they hang out with or how much they drink.

That said, I don't think the rape incident is the central issue to dlmos's concerns. It's not like he would R if she was, and not if she wasn't. The same advice about boundaries and kids and finances comms only applies.

Dark Inertia posted 6/8/2013 13:50 PM

One more thing:

None of us (other than dlmos, of course) know this woman.

The one person who does know her said:

I wonder myself about the rape story, the timing is odd with the R talk.

That being said he was empathic and tactful enough to not question it, take it for what it was, and console her. It was handled quite appropriately.

But I think it is prudent to bear in mind that as there are many who are raped who do not come forward there are probably just as many who are falsely accused of rape.

Either which way, the rape story, is in a way, inconsequential. Dlmos' concern was reconciliation, which it sounds like he has made his decision.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 2:11 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

dlmos posted 6/8/2013 14:06 PM

I didn't intend for this to become a debate on the validity of a woman's claim of being raped. While I do think the timing is odd I still take it as something that should be treating as if it were true either way. My main concern over the rape was her health and safety, and to some extent if I need to intervene with the kids if she is spiraling with the partying in a way that could negatively affect them.

The main issue I have had in the past was maintaining a friendly relationship so that things would be easier on everyone and the kids especially. I think this friendliness has become a soft boundary that needed to be strengthened and defended better. I've been in NC with her now and have not had any texts for nearly 24 hours. I am supposed to have the kids on Monday and overnight so I'm just hoping things stay "business" from now on.

Dark Inertia posted 6/8/2013 14:08 PM

I didn't intend for this to become a debate on the validity of a woman's claim of being raped. While I do think the timing is odd I still take it as something that should be treating as if it were true either way.

For what it is worth, I think you handled it accordingly. I will edit my last post for clarification.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 2:09 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Take2 posted 6/8/2013 14:09 PM

Hmmm. If she was raped and doesn't want to report it - she would still benefit from some counseling and that is the direction I would nudge her in.

But my first thought as I read your post was that this was a build up to telling you she is pregnant. It is the timing I guess and the sudden impulse to R...? Hope I am way off base.

dlmos posted 6/8/2013 14:22 PM

PREGNANT?! Lol, not a chance by me at any rate....

[This message edited by dlmos at 2:23 PM, June 8th, 2013 (Saturday)]

cayc posted 6/8/2013 15:02 PM

You've got a few things going on here. The first is the obvious xWW problem. You need to shut that shit down. She needs to grow up. She's not a teenager anymore. She HAS to stand on her own 2 feet. Plenty of women survive just fine as single moms, doing what needs to be done to protect their kids, so she can too. And she's not going to figure that out as long as you keep coddling her, listening to her, being someone she can confide in. It's horrible she was raped, but she had no business telling you. And your reaction should have been "why are you telling me this?" Because the only reason for her to do so is to pull you closer. Everytime she tells you anything personal, it's designed to maintain an intimate relationship with you. Why are you not seeing this & shutting that shit down? Think about it. This is how workplace affairs start, one person starts telling inappropriate stories to the other, closeness ensues etc. that's what's going on here. Kid's schedule, money, that's it. Everything else gets a "stop talking, I will not listen to you."

But cayc! She's the mother of my children, I have to care for her well being. No you fucking do not. You need to care about your well being & that of your kids. Are the kids safe while she's out getting worked over? Then they are good. That's harsh yes, but my point is that if she's not bringing her growing up experiences & showing it to the kids (eg by bringing rapey guys home) then you don't need to know/don't need to care. This dumb chick needs to grow up & it's only going to happen after falling flat on her face a few times with no one there to rescue her, being all alone, with no one to confide in. Just like the rest of us.

And then there's your girlfriend. What the hell are you doing bringing her into this??? Yes, I get it. Supporting partners through emotional trials & tribulations are part of what relationships are about. But is that what you want as your bonding agent with your GF? Your D & your trainwreck ex-wife ????? Seriously???? How often are you seeing your IC??? Because you have one, right???? That's where you take this shit to. That's the person, plus other avenues like SI, who should be kicking your ass in gear to shut this shit with your xWW down. Your GF? She can be the light that makes it worth it. But if you can't see your way to this (& the fact that you got wound so tight you had to miss work over this) means you're being sloppy & lazy with your own healing & personal growth & laying the burden at your GFs feet. Not cool guy.

Get it together. Get an IC. Post on SI early & often for strength in maintaining NC. And then with your GF. She gets the best part of you. The healing part of you. The good guy with an open free heart with strong boundaries & 2 awesome kids. If you care for her, she deserves nothing less.

(Apologies for swearing, hope being so blunt is ok. Apologies for typos, typing this on my iPhone screen lol)

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