SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

harry&george posted 6/8/2013 05:39 AM

I'm sorry in advance everyone, i'm feeling sorry for myself tonight.

I finally have a divorce hearing on the 18 of this month, and one month after that it will be final.

I don't want him back and would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with him and his lies.

Last Wednesday when I dropped the kids to his place for dinner, instead of him bringing them home he asked me to pick them up so I could meet his "partner" (they've known each other a month). She seemed ok, I am just concerned that my children are treated well, but can someone tell me when it's my turn?

Now, I am not looking for a new husband, it would just be nice to have someone to share things with. How can the lying, cheating, minimising Disney Dad have better luck than me??

stronger08 posted 6/8/2013 06:08 AM

It just seems like they do. My XWW was in a relationship within weeks of our S. And this wasn't even the OM. One thing I can say is this. She has had at least 10 relationships since our S/D. Of the 10, 9 were with taken men. She is now with a guy 15 years younger then her and is supposed to be "Engaged" But the way she lies about everything Im sure the poor slob has no clue who she really is. The same goes for your XH. He certainly is lying to whomever he is with. And as we all know lies have a way of coming to the surface. So I would not count on anything lasting long term. It does seem to be very unfair. But I'd rather have quality, honesty and integrity in my relationships. And that's something the WS just cant attain.

SBB posted 6/8/2013 08:23 AM

I could be in a shit relationship in a nanosecond if I wanted to. I could probably also find a really nice guy to fuck over royally if I wanted to.

The thing is, I don't want to.

Please don't mistake being in a relationship with being in a 'real' relationship. I'll wait until I'm ready and then I'm holding out for something real.

Linus1968 posted 6/8/2013 08:54 AM

It will be your turn. You are not in a relationship, because no one has EARNED it.
Get the divorce, decided what you want, need, and expect from your next relationship. And DO NOT negotiated those terms because you are sad or lonely. Make the next man earn it.
That OW did not earn anything. She spread her legs. Once that stops or slows down, what is left???
And how do you know it is all Fluffy Rainbow-colored Unicorns??? Remember, the WS has to make it work to validate the lies about you. If it does not work, than that will create doubt to the people watching and de-fog the WS. So, the WS will work hard to make it work, or make lies that it is working.
Anyway, for now, You and Your Children. Be the best person you can be to yourself, and be the best mom you can be to your children...and it sounds like you already are...

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

[This message edited by Linus1968 at 8:55 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

GabyBaby posted 6/8/2013 09:28 AM

Some of our exes are able to find relationships so quickly simply because they aren't looking for true quality. They just want a warm body that loosely fits what they want and it'll do...for now.

My XWH in particular has had a large number of relationships since we split over 6 years ago. Every few months, the kids mention some new female name. Its insane how quickly he bounces from one to the next, but the reality is, he hasn't paused to work on his issues, so the common factor in all of the bad relationships is HIM.

inconnu posted 6/8/2013 13:18 PM

It's not better luck, it's that they settle for less. You know that you'll wait to be in the type of relationship (even if it's a friendship) that you deserve and are worthy of. They take whatever's available.

Pippy posted 6/8/2013 13:23 PM

When you are ready it will happen.

Amazonia posted 6/8/2013 14:35 PM

I'm with inconnu, it's easy to find someone quick when your standards are loooooooow.

phmh posted 6/8/2013 14:48 PM

Just adding my voice to the choir. If you didn't care about the quality of the person you're dating, or whether you're even healed enough to date, you could be with someone, too.

A person who would introduce their partner to the kids after one month, or a person who would be willing to be introduced to their partner's kids after one month, is not a healthy person. This is going to crash and burn.

On the other hand, if you work on healing yourself, you will find true and lasting happiness, because it comes from within, not from being so desperate that you'll partner up with just anyone. It's worth the wait.

Housefulloflove posted 6/8/2013 15:00 PM

If you are willing to make yourself very available to anyone willing to pay you attention, you'll likely start racking up "relationships" in no time!

Let go of your self-respect, self-esteem, standards, expectations and compromise in just about any area necessary and you'll be on the same level as a lot of WS. You'll likely attract a person of equal (or less) quality as your ex too!

I'm pretty confident that it's better on this side of the fence even on the loneliest of nights!

harry&george posted 6/8/2013 17:00 PM

Thank you wise ones, I knew you would all put me back on the right track.

I got a dose of the lonelies I guess. There is some one that I am interested in and we have shared a cuppa or two but I think he has friend zoned me, but that is ok too!!

nordicbabe posted 6/9/2013 15:26 PM

Stick to your path. 18 months after I kicked out the serial cheater he and his final OW are seemingly figuring out they really have nothing in common...and any time the kids are around he tries to do the same things we did as a family, with her slotted in. And you know what? She's not interested in playing the games we played in various situations, so sits and sulks. Bonus: his family doesn't like her much.

I'm just starting to date for real (went on a few early on and what a disaster!) and I'm slowly meeting some people and having a good time, but taking everything VERY slowly and refuse to get into a competition with the ex. I'll find someone when I'm ready and when the right one comes along. Until that happens I'll date...and I won't discount anyone for lack of sparkles. I want a good, solid man this time and finding out if someone is that takes time. As long as they're not racist, homophobic, sexist or anything else along those lines I'll give them a shot. But they've got to show me, as I have got to show them, that they're worthy of my time, affection, and love.

It's hard to recover from this stuff and eve n harder when it seems your ex has figured it all out. But you know what? They haven't. They've just jumped from the frying pan into the fire. They're still the same person because they didn't take the time to do some self-reflection. Figure yourself out, don't be afraid of feeling lonely and figure out how you can change that for yourself, not looking for someone else to fill that empty space.

Good luck

BeyondBreaking posted 6/9/2013 21:03 PM

I think she is just a rebound. Why? Because they've only been dating for a month and things are moving so quickly (as a parent, I would never introduce anyone I was only dating for only a month to my child- IMO, that is moving things really fast). Also, he is having you meet her, again, after only a month. To me, that says that she is a trophy, rubbing things in relationship for him and nobody that he will be with long term.

My ex did the same thing. He dated a girl that was 18 and still in high school (he was 29!) and tried to rub it in my face. She had the gall to call me and let me know that she wasn't trying to replace me, but she wanted me to know that she was on board to coparent with us and be a great stepmother to my daughter. I was appalled, as they had only been dating for three weeks when he had me and our child meet this girl. And...they only dated for a few months before parting ways.

SBB posted 6/10/2013 05:50 AM

She had the gall to call me and let me know that she wasn't trying to replace me, but she wanted me to know that she was on board to coparent with us and be a great stepmother to my daughter.

OMFG - really? WTF?

I expect 24 y/o OWUmpteen to last about 2-5 years. That's about how long his love bombing lasts. Then on to the next victim in the revolving door that is his 'luurve' life. It would be downright hilarious but for the fact that my girls will have to integrate and bond with someone new in their lives every few years only to have them disappear. It is the relationship style his mother modelled and now he is modelling it for my girls.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

Changing the players doesn't change the game.

Read "She's Special" - its the second article down. http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/