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I was always the one who put a lot of thought into getting just the right present for a person - not necessarily a huge expensive one, but one that was just right for them. Now I find myself struggling (still) with the I don't give a s*** about these, and resentful I went through all the effort when he just got whatever he felt like, not necessarily putting a lot of thought in (I mean, how hard is it to pick off a wish list online? or get a big expensive guilt present?). I threw him a huge 40 bday party, and I was painting (against dr's advice) and then went out to a totally uneventful pub meal (because it was late, not because it was special) with ppl who helped - more because he procrastinated than anything else. Even his friend's wife did better than he did that day, she brought flowers and a card over. He got me a cookbook from the supermarket he didn't even bother to remove the price sticker from. Hairy bikers cookbook no less. Um, yeah. Not that I expected a huge party, but come on. Going out alone and getting a sincere *anything* would have been good. But he was deep in LaLa land, I just hadn't discovered what was going on yet.
Sorry for rant, just we had our 'summer anniversary' recently, and he got me a bouquet of flowers with choc (he's traveling), and I should really get him something, but I just don't feel like it. I don't feel there's anything left to celebrate. His job is his current selfishness, and again with the thought, just flowers, with ones toxic to the cats at that. (My cat's brother died after eating lilies, this had a lot of lilies, I didn't say anything but we had just talked about it and I'm surprised he didn't remember.)
What do you all do? Or maybe I just shouldn't bother doing anything and he won't notice? He gets back in about a month. I can't even find a card. Hallmark should have a Post Affair Nothing too Close or Mushy category!! It's all romantic and sappy and depressing...
Anyway, I ramble. What do you guys think?

Shattered,
Hey, where can I get a copy of the Hairy Biker Cookbook?!
I really like cookbooks and that sounds kind of interesting to me......!
I am sorry it's stressing you out about what gifts/cards are appropriate right now, that's hard. Yeah, Hallmark hasn't gone that far with the "post affair" section, lol! I agree it's not easy to decide what to do.
Maybe keep it very simple? Or make a little card or note, I like to write messages on the bathroom mirror in lipstick for something different. I am one year out from DDay and I didn't do a single thing for WH's birthday, he didn't seem to mind at all. I spent our last wedding anniversary crying my eyes out in our new house we were having finished, that was "special".
However, this weekend is our anniversary and we are going on a trip. We are doing pretty good, but I don't think I could bear to even look at cards right now, or a gift. It's hard for me to even look at photos of us.
I am hoping with more work and time it will be better, I sincerely hope someday I could actually buy a normal card.
I hope you will be able to find someway to express your thoughts and maybe your hope for the future?
Take care of yourself!

Actually Hallmark does have a line of cards that apply to post Affair situations.

I got my WH one for his bday this year. He loved it and keeps it on his night stand. Last year his bday was just days after dday and I think we ignored it.

Honestly, I didn't have a problem getting him Christmas presents, this year's bday or his usual easter gift. I did however refuse to celebrate our anniversary and had difficulty finding something for Valentines that I could get behind the sentiment of.

I think next year Valentines will be easier. I am not sure I will ever celebrate our anniversary again.

It will get easier for you to celebrate special days.

Meanwhile remember many guys just are not good at gift giving. Instead of hoping he does something special, tell him exactly what you want to do or get. If he still doesn't follow through, then you kind of know that you're dealing with something completely different.

Our dday was right before Thanksgiving. God, the whole holiday season sucked! I don't even remember Valentine's Day. WH's birthday was not even 4 months after dday and really, really tough. Again, can't remember what I got him, but I made sure DS picked out something.

We just had our 7th anniversary on the 2nd and that day went pretty well. Very low key. Grandparents had DS, we ordered pizza and hung out at home. Granted, I think I paid for it later that week with a couple rage events.

There won't be any other "special days" for us again until dday 1 year antiversery.

Everyone thanks for responding. I've just gotten Father's Day done, and have used your advice and general confidence from reading posts. First, got non mushy 'Gadget Dad' card for DS to sign (very appropriate, he's a computer geek). Then got a Groupon for a 2hr stand up paddleboarding taster course. He loves kyacking and doesn't get to go a lot. This was 60% off so cheap and think he'll really like it. If nothing else we're not in the house, we're out doing something so distracted will help, and if nothing else I can enjoy watching him fall off! It's hard when I waver between he's trying to be a good dad and WTF were you thinking, begging me to have a child for you then cheating on me while I was pregnant?!?
Think I'll be able to better handle the anni/bday thing now. Think I may just skip the anni thing, again wavering...

PJL - in Waitrose if nowhere else! I have a bunch of cookbooks, so it wasn't totally off base, but the fact it's right around the corner and he didn't even remove the sticker, plus his behavior at the time, means it was an oh sh*t, what can I get her here at this minute?? gift. Sucks about the house; are you ok in it now? They were in 'our' house here, which of course makes it very much his house to me. Redoing everything slowly, but still...

Josephine - LOL wow thanks, they didn't have any when I looked last (granted, at CVS as it was walkable post hurricane) In terms of gifts he had an Amazon wish list, doesn't get easier than that. Apparently didn't have enough time/effort to look at it (like I said, oh sh*t purchase at local store). I guess it's knowing you're not even worth the effort, especially in spite of all the effort they put in the As!! He got a choc for valentine's day, but we ate it (keeping choc from a toddler is hard!!). Didn't feel bad about that. No card.

Heart - I'm glad you pointed out the rage events. The stress does string me and I find myself doing same, mostly because I'm stewing in it when I stop moving for the day and my mind is allowed some room to itself. :( Congrats on pulling off a whole night for it in stride, hoping I can do that soon...

Sure hope it gets easier and easier for us all!

Thanks guys! (((Hugs!!!)

birthdays not alot has changed, Iwe didn't do presents at all hisyear for either of us as we were skint but I still made him a cake to fitthe teme of the social he had, valentines day we just didn't do at all, and fathers day is also being given a wide berth this year,,, our anniversary is coming up and it fits pretty much smack between our two d days, D-day 1 I was 36 weeks pregnant, D-day 2 my baby was 6 weeks old so there was 9 weeks between the two and our anniversary was in those 9 weeks so it will be about a year into our reconsiliation, I wasn't sure as I can seet being very emotional and trggery but my wp felt strongly that it was important that we do something, he wants to do something overnight together and take some time to have both some fun and some reflection away from the kids and the general stress everything else. he made quite a point of wanting to give me the space to be triggery and talk about that with him if I needed, anyway, hes talked me round so apparently we are going away somewhere if i an find anyone crazy enough to babysit three kids under the age of five for a whole night