I am having a bad day. The rollercoaster sucks.
I am starting to think that one of the walls I am trying to break though will not come down.
BH and I are back to daily discussions of why I chose to have affair instead of just leave the M.
In hindsight of course I should have just left.
I feel like BH verbal and alchohol abuse are/were deal breakers. And since I had affair those issues never were addressed.
So here we are amost 5 years past DD and I am still so bitter. He is definately a dry drunk and I am a dry adulterer.
And since pre affair issues are hardly discussed....we linger on.
This morning I was basically begging him to give me some validation that I was in some way a decent wife before the A. The fact that I am still struggling with validating myself is an issue I know.
But together we came to this conclusion:
I was an excellent wife, mom, employee, provider, etc. My catastrophic flaw is my cheating.
BH was a pass out drinker, chronically unemployed, abusive, uninvolved father, etc. He is faithful. And a good housekeeper when he feels guilty about not working. And an excellent lover.
What is my point....I dont always feel like this relationship.should be saved because of the past. But I am still using guilt to motivate me to engage In the relationship.
Or maybe I am just having a bad week.....