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deal breakers

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atthedoor posted 6/8/2013 14:29 PM

I am having a bad day. The rollercoaster sucks.
I am starting to think that one of the walls I am trying to break though will not come down.
BH and I are back to daily discussions of why I chose to have affair instead of just leave the M.
In hindsight of course I should have just left.
I feel like BH verbal and alchohol abuse are/were deal breakers. And since I had affair those issues never were addressed.
So here we are amost 5 years past DD and I am still so bitter. He is definately a dry drunk and I am a dry adulterer.
And since pre affair issues are hardly discussed....we linger on.

This morning I was basically begging him to give me some validation that I was in some way a decent wife before the A. The fact that I am still struggling with validating myself is an issue I know.
But together we came to this conclusion:
I was an excellent wife, mom, employee, provider, etc. My catastrophic flaw is my cheating.
BH was a pass out drinker, chronically unemployed, abusive, uninvolved father, etc. He is faithful. And a good housekeeper when he feels guilty about not working. And an excellent lover.
What is my point....I dont always feel like this relationship.should be saved because of the past. But I am still using guilt to motivate me to engage In the relationship.
Or maybe I am just having a bad week.....

grains posted 6/8/2013 15:04 PM

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is very difficult, painful and complex. There is a way to have a healthier and happier life. Please take time to look into Co-Dependents Anonymous at

http://www.coda.org/

This program has helped me a lot. In CODA we realize that we are precious and free. Be safe, be well and most of all be free.

Darkness Falls posted 6/8/2013 15:06 PM

Atthedoor,

I have strong feelings about two of the points of your post:

1.) There is so much focus on we as waywards providing our own validation and not looking for it from outside sources. And certainly most of the time this is right. For most of us, certainly myself included, the driving need for external validation was a contributor to my cheating. However, I think that obviously there are some instances where a reasonable amount of validation from others is important. Parent to child is one, and between spouses is one. I've been a failure at marriage so I don't claim to be an expert, but I feel that wanting to feel validated by our spouse (again, to a reasonable extent) is not out of line.

2.) Deal breakers can go both ways. You cheated...you are still able to have boundaries and deal breakers regarding your spouse. If your H's alcohol abuse and verbal abuse are deal breakers for you, that is your prerogative and that has nothing to do with your cheating.

UnexpectedSong posted 6/8/2013 16:40 PM

There are other vows than "forsaking all others". There are to "love, honor, and cherish".

Having said that, there is something you get out of this relationship. Do you like being the provider where he can't? Do you like playing the martyr? There is a push/pull power dynamic that feels familiar and safe for you. That is why you stay.

Card posted 6/9/2013 06:58 AM

This morning I was basically begging him to give me some validation that I was in some way a decent wife before the A.


I had an employee that worked for me over a ten year period of time. He was a good employee right up to the day I caught him stealing from me. His "Loyalty" was no longer valid as a character trait.

That is what happened to me too. I cheated on my wife and could no longer be considered loyal.

It didn't matter that my employee had been with me for ten years, I had to fire him because of the cheating/theft.

My wife kicked me out when she found out about my adultery. I was no longer the man she deserved. I know I was a good husband and a good provider for 19 years of marriage, BUT, I no longer could be considered loyal.

It no longer matters what my history was because my lack of loyalty (my adultery) erased any metals, ribbons, or plaques I felt I deserved for being so good for 19 years.

I cannot rely on my past to "validate" me. My esteem is not able to be wrapped up in my past, it needs to be based on my actions today and each day forward. What am I doing today that is esteem able? What am I doing that gives me the ability to say that I'm loyal again? I know the answers to these questions for myself, but only you can answer for yourself.

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