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Anything equal to pain of A?

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IAmPsycho posted 6/8/2013 17:27 PM

My WH and I had a BIG argument last December, and we were discussing it last night. He said to me, " I was so hurt when you all had the party without me." ( referring to a gender reveal party that was planned 2 months before the fight for my oldest daughter). I didn't tell him he couldn't participate. I just wasn't speaking to him because we were angry with each other. He was right upstairs in the bedroom and he could've come down. He said that hearing everyone laugh without him was JUST AS PAINFUL FOR HIM AS THE A WAS FOR ME!

Seriously? This makes me want to have a revenge A so he can see that the pain from not going to a party is nothing like your spouse cheating on you for 2-3 months.

Personally I don't think there is much in this life that is more painful than an A.

TXwifemom posted 6/8/2013 17:38 PM

Losing a child would be worse. That's all I can come up with.

Even my WH dying wouldn't have been as bad as his affairs.

inconnu posted 6/8/2013 17:38 PM

I think the only thing that would be more devastating to me is if something horrific happened to one of my kids. My dad killed himself when I was a teenager, and that had long-lasting effects on me, but it wasn't anywhere near the pain of finding out now-ex had betrayed me.

PurpleBirch posted 6/8/2013 17:46 PM

I have had a baby pass away the same day he was born. The affair seems worse to me because my WH made a choice to betray me. My baby was born too early -there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. WH however could have stopped his actions at any time.

I do honestly think WH dying would have been easier to deal with than the affair.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/8/2013 17:52 PM

AYFKM? Your WH tried to equate his pain at not being invited to a party to the pain a BS feels at finding out their spouse cheated on them?

When someone starts a thread with the topic "Stupid shit WS's say" please remember this and post it because this has got to be one of the stupidest things I have heard a WS say. I have heard a lot of stupid shit, too.

I can think of many things more painful than an affair. Losing a child (I did) is right at the top. There are many others that I would consider worse than being betrayed by my husband. Not saying this isn't one of the worst things that I have personally gone through and one of the most painful (in the top 3 for me), but if I am going to be honest, I can think of many tragedies that I would prefer my husband cheating on me than to suffer those tragedies.

Now, I am going to bow out of this thread because, inevitably, these threads upset me. Don't like comparing pain. It is like comparing apples and oranges.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:57 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

heartache101 posted 6/8/2013 17:56 PM

His actions are the most painful thing thus far in my lifetime.

IAmPsycho posted 6/8/2013 18:02 PM

Me too , heartache. When I first found out, it was very much like someone had stabbed me. I felt physically sick in my chest and I had trouble breathing.

Interestingly, the A has also given my WH anxiety problems that feel like a heart attack to him. He has been in the hospital for testing several times, the first time just a few months after the A.

I wish he could've seen ahead at how his actions would effect us.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/8/2013 18:07 PM

I had a child in ICU for a week after birth, was told he wouldn't survive through the night and all. Fortunately my child did live, but I can promise you that the pain from almost losing that child was nothing compared to the pain my H's A's inflicted.

As Purple said, our WS's chose to inflict this pain on us, losing or almost losing someone due to an unforeseeable circumstance is totally different. It would be like the difference between accidentally getting food poisoning from something your spouse undercooked on accident, versus them putting bleach in your food before serving it to you. TOTALLY different pains, totally different feelings and intent involved.

Purple, I am so very sorry for your loss! And anyone else that has lost a loved one.

Fighting2Survive posted 6/8/2013 18:12 PM

Don't like comparing pain. It is like comparing apples and oranges.

Me too.

I think it depends on each person's perspective and what that person's life history has been. I have lived through other things that have caused lasting damage. Saying "this was the worst" or "that was the worst" doesn't really work for me because the damage done was different- not less, but different.

Holly-Isis posted 6/8/2013 18:24 PM

I wish he could've seen ahead at how his actions would effect us.

IMO he's not seeing it now.


Want2help posted 6/8/2013 18:56 PM


this has got to be one of the stupidest things I have heard a WS say. I have heard a lot of stupid shit, too.

Me too. And I've been around for a while.

IAmPsycho, I can guarantee he has NO IDEA what he's talking about.

completeshock posted 6/8/2013 20:36 PM

I do not have children, but I would imagine that losing a child would be worse. On the other hand though, you could at least rationalize that when someone dies, they usually don't choose to die. An SO chooses to have an affair and intentionally hurt you. So I don't know...

This is going to sound really dumb, but the closest I've come to the pain of the A was losing my dog. She was the one that let me bawl my eyes out in her fur during his A and listened to all my hurt. She was more loyal to me than he ever was. But even when she passed, I was at least glad that she no longer was in pain and suffering. She didn't choose to leave and hurt me like he did.

I'm not sure if there is anything worse than someone you've given yourself fully to betraying you.

HeartInADustpan posted 6/8/2013 21:08 PM

I'm in agreement with pretty much everyone else. Losing my DS is the only thing I can think that would be more painful than WH A's. It kills me to even think about. Ugh.

bufffalo posted 6/8/2013 21:46 PM

I do honestly think WH dying would have been easier to deal with than the affair.

It is....My FWW died (heart attack age 45) a little more than a year after DDay....and after nearly a year of a really good R...

I held her 100% accountable for her decision to cheat on me.....her heart attack was not planned, executed, covered up, lied about, nor was it repeated. Her decision to cheat was...Her death was NOT her fault.


[This message edited by bufffalo at 9:47 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Titanium posted 6/8/2013 22:18 PM

I havent felt pain like this EVER and hope never too again.

Its right up there as one of the worst traumas anyone could go through.

How dare he compare and boohoo he didnt join in......selfish f@ck!

Tell him he'll get over it.........isnt he the lucky one if thats as bad as it gets for him........

How pathetic.......

You have fun and look after you. Throw another party I say :-)


solus sto posted 6/8/2013 23:39 PM

Infidelity is hands-down the most painful thing I've ever dealt with.

A close second was the profound depression my son experienced as a result of the infidelity; it was a facet of the fallout that, newly separated, was ... indescribably painful to contend with.

I imagine that anything causing my kids harm would be worse. My son's depression was sort of wrapped up in the infidelity, so I can't separate it. But it was an aspect that was so uniquely painful, on its own, that I can extrapolate.

jb3199 posted 6/9/2013 09:59 AM

I lost my mother unexpectedly 21 years ago. At that point, I had NEVER felt such pain.

I was blindsided, and the only thing that hurt me more at the time, was thinking of my father. They were so very close. I was blessed with such fantastic parents. And as the 3 children(all adults) crumbled in the aftermath, my father, in his typical fashion, stoically carried us through it.

When my father passed in 2010, it wasn't a surprise. He died with his children at his side. And as morbid as it sounds, and what he suffered through the couple years prior, it was a merciful passing.

Being blindsided by my WW's affairs feels the worse that any other traumatic experience. There were lies, deceit, anger, and in my opinion, deliberate punishment that were unleashed on me---from what I thought was a good marriage. All my dreams, and apparent ignorant notions that I had a special marriage that bettered anyone else I knew...EXCEPT for my parents...came crashing down, and put me in a dark place that I never could have imagined. I would have preferred her to shoot me in the back of the head without me knowing, than to do what she did. At least that was my thinking back then.

I am at a better place today, but forever changed.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 9:59 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]

Brokenpetal posted 6/9/2013 10:23 AM

Just needed to chime in with my two cents, this is a topic that has come up with me and my WH in the past, when he says "I don't know what it feels like, I haven't been in your shoes." (Lucky him....)

We lost a baby before we were married, we were both teenagers, and after struggling to tell our parents, realizing our futures were changing, and everyone rallying around to give us support, we lost him. It was painful, we were young, we were not prepared for this kind of loss. When I tried to tell him the A was more painful than that, he just said, "well, we got through it."

To me, it is like comparing apples and oranges, the difference is closure. When someone dies, you know they aren't coming back. It hurts and you grieve and at some point you realize life goes on. It will always hurt, but you learn to live in this new reality where they aren't here anymore. Your future is changed, in one direction.
The hell of an A and the aftermath, there's no closure. There's continual lies, tt, it's confusing. You never know the whole truth, you don't know which direction your headed. You are never really secure, you may think you're in R and then more bombs are dropped.

To me, this is what makes it worse. It's like being in limbo. It's hard to have the attitude that "life goes on" when you really don't know which direction to take, where the path will lead, etc. it's hard to go through the stages of grieving when there's never a finality. The stages come and go just like a roller coaster, in no particular order. There's just no closure.

Williesmom posted 6/9/2013 11:33 AM

Multiple false Rs were the most painful thing I have ever experienced. They were willful and premeditated.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/9/2013 11:47 AM

When I was 18, I lost my son. One month later, I walked in on his dad cheating.

Both hurt, severely. When I lost my son, a little part of me died as well. I don't even know how to explain it. Scary movies don't scare me anymore. Death doesn't scare me. I've already been through the most horrific thing ever. It is a crippling pain that never really goes away. It has been seven years and I still cry, I still lose it sometimes.

Cheating is painful, severely, in a different way. When I lost my son...he didn't chose to die. It was sad and hurtful and the situation was devastating, but it wasn't anyone's fault. Nobody looked at me and said, "I'm going to do this to you." It just happened. Cheating was a choice. A choice made by someone who was supposed to honor and love me and take care of me above all else. A choice made by so done I trusted and someone I gave myself to. He knew that I would be hurt, and he didn't care. He chose to do it anyway.

I think the idea that the WS doesn't know how hurtful it will be is complete BullSH*T!! They knew, and that is why they hid it.

Of course, given the option, I would choose someone cheating on me all day long as opposed to anyone hurting my daughter or anything happening to her. But honestly, comparing the two is sort of like asking if I would rather die by freezing or burning.

Your husband made a choice not join the party. You did NOT choose to be betrayed. Your party lasted for what, two or three hours? His affair lasted for 3 months. If the most hurtful thing he can think of that you have ever done to him is having party without him, he can suck an egg. I'm not kidding, he should be fanning you, feeding you grapes, kissing your feet, cleaning your house, and waking up every night with the baby. Sounds like someone has had a very easy life.

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