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Newest Member: Else (61873)

User Topic: physical pain and couple friends
♂ 39376
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I went to the ER. I self diagnosed before going. I thought I had a kidney stone and I was right. I have been trying to take care of myself since d-day, but we all know its really hard. Lack of fluids likely caused this and it sucked BIG time. SO painful.

I just want to remind newbies to take the message of caring for yourself in this trying time very seriously. It is really hard, but you MUST do it.

Since I went NC with my WW, there isn't much to share. I am very very sad at my treatment in the aftermath. She is not even close.I feel lost and alone. I just read how to help your spouse heal after an affair. It is really good. Short and direct. Why can't WW just get it? Why isn't this a book she is looking at on her own? I also need some help from you, my SI friends, on ways to stop obsessing over this? I try to keep busy, but every minute I am alone, all I do is think about it, read about it, post here. It all consuming and I fear whats ahead. I know it will be a rocky road no matter what, but I am pretty certain my WW will be SO uncooperative in D, that my life will be hell.

My other thoughts and question for you all is how to deal with other married friend couples? I told a couple that I am friends with and they were awesome and ultra supportive, but in the back of my mind I wonder if couples look at me in a way that I am bringing infidelity into their lives? Anyone else have that feeling?

[This message edited by Shockedman at 7:05 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Posts: 104 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 37740
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They say that the pain of having a kidney stone is as close as a man can get to a woman giving birth.
I had one and if it's true My fWW endured a lot.

BH - 66 - Retired
fWW - 62

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla

Posts: 745 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
♀ 6418
Member # 6418
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is that in time it will pass.

When I discovered my H was having a serious affair, I stopped eating. I didn't mean to, but somehow I couldn't swallow anything past the lump in my throat. I ended up with a seriously messed-up stomach. I couldn't decide whether I'd rather have the earth open and swallow me up, or if I rather have it swallow him up. I finally settled on the latter.

That was some years ago. First I found my spine, and then my self-esteem. I realized that I couldn't ever change him or make him behave like a decent human being. All I could do was take care of myself and my kids.

All you can do now is take care of yourself and move forward. It will get better.

Physical infidelity is the signal, the notice given, that all fidelities are undermined.
- Katherine Anne Porter

Posts: 835 | Registered: Feb 2005
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in time it will pass.

I saw what you did there!

Shocked, it's not so much bringing it into their lives as it is reminding them (in general) that "life's unfair"...
When you're in the earlier stages of healing, and the trauma is fresher, people tend to feel uncomfortable, & I've noticed they don't quite know why...
I didn't experience it with any friends, though.

On obsessing.
Attaching to you,
getting to be friends with yourself is a sure way to help you detach from toxic people & the pain of it all.

Be well, take care of you.

Posts: 7269 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lean on your friends. One, it will give you people who are about you, to talk to. Two, it will keep your WW from getting there first and spreading lies about you. Three, if they are going to bolt, then better you know about it now than later. I know that when I have had friends that separated/divorced because of infidelity, my response was to nurture the BS.

but I am pretty certain my WW will be SO uncooperative in D, that my life will be hell.

Your life is already hell. And it will stay there until you decide to end the hell. Yes, D may mean it gets more hellish, but you will walk through that storm and emerge from the other side of it. Standing put in hell, just means that you stay in hell. Someone here has a great tagline that I like a lot. If you find yourself in hell, keep walking.

Keep posting and venting here. It's so early that if you weren't all tied up in this f-ing mess that your WW put you in, it would be abnormal. But start looking at what YOU want to do as well. Find something physical to eat up your time and make your muscles sore. It will help I trained (and over trained) for a 3-day 60 mile walk. Find something that you can do to help get your mind off of your life for just a while every day. And keep coming back for support.

And drink lots of water, eh? No more stones!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10206 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I hope you are feeling a bit better physically at least.

Keep on drinking lot and lots of water.

Let us know how you are.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13439 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear about your kidney stone. My husband had them twice. I've never seen anything able to drop him to his knees faster. I hope you're better now.

Regarding your question about not obsessing over it. That's a tough one. Have you read up on the 180? That may help. Also, try to think about what you liked to do prior to garbage happening. Did you have any hobbies? Or do you have any interests that you may want to explore? My best advice is to think about yourself and do what you love to do. If you always wanted to go hiking...go. If you loved to shoot it. By doing this you'll be pushing her garbage out of your head and filling it with something positive as well as making new friends that are "outside" the marriage and will not feel obligated (for lack of a better word) to pick sides as some people tend to do. It will be like a fresh start for you. It will also give you a boost in self-confidence which is something all BS's need.

I hope some of this helps.

Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 7

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