I am sorry you have this pain......it sucks BIGTIME. I too have a very similar behaviour coming from my WH. I have moved forward that little bit more but i know exactly where you are standing right now.
I was terrified of the thought of losing my WH. I see now that it is mostly fear based and a security thing after being with him for 24 years. Now after getting false R and sick to death of the half arsed efforts on his part. The defensiveness, blameshifting, lack of empathy, i am stronger.
I too had a meltdown 2 days ago. We have to sell our home because of him and i am doing it all by myself. He says we will get on and get things done and start fresh.......talk talk talk.
I was balling my eyes out and all he could do was rub my leg. No hug, no it will be ok, no i am sorry......its like they do just enough to stay because we allow them too.
I am all about ME now and you needbto do the same. I know its hard but i have realised that i have been pushing for what i need from my WH and getting no results. It sounds like u r doing the same. I have backed away and told him that when we sell the house i am moving on just me and our son.
He needs to seevwhat he has and make the changes.....not us.
I think what you WH did with the phone call was totally disrespectful to you and i would dig deep, find your strength you know you have inside of you and ask yourself do you deserve to be treated this way?
I dont think so.........tell him what YOU want for yourself, not what you want him to do and then ask him to leave so you can have space. Just time apart. I know its hard but you need to see how serious he really is about your M. Throw caution to the wind.
I am at a point now that i no longer have that fear. I am not a doormat and neither are you........take back your power. He betrayed you and unless he starts to show you remorse, compassion and respect then he doesnt deserve the right to be sleeping next to you.
If he begs and pleads then give him 3 boundry rules.
1. You will NOT tolerate disrespect of any kind.
2. You will NOT tolerate any secrecy of any kind.
3. You will NOT tolerate anything other than total honesty and truth.
Or he has to leave. Make sure you say it like you mean it......and mean it.
Its the only way to see if he is totally on board with you and can start to help you heal. You deserve to be happy not disrespected by someone who is supposed to lovebyou.
Get your bitch boots on and put YOU first.
Be strong. You CAN do it.
(((((Big hugs to you)))))))