Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

When you know you should leave but you can't seem to do it

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Unagie posted 6/8/2013 19:38 PM

I'm hurting today, just needed to get it out. A girl calls him, according to him this is how the conversation went, I only heard his end. The phone rings he says hello, apparently the person on the other end says is this SO? He says yes who is this? She says hey remember me, Mystery Girl from Wherever? He says no should I know you, I've never hung out in Wherever. She says oh I think I have the wrong number. His response that's crazy that I have the same name of the person your trying to call. He then relays the side of the convo I could not be privy to. I say that its weird but I get a tummy flip and just think its the paranoia I've had since his RA.

Then he gets on the phone with his cousin who hasn't heard from him in 10 days and is mad. Before he gets on he says he's not sucking up to anyone. They start talking and queue the "sorry," the "my bad," and the I understand if that's what you feel is necessary. I sat in the bedroom able to hear him. He blamed not calling him on a fight we had that he was trying to decompress from. That fight was 2 weeks ago. Then they keep talking and it sounds like they are discussing me and how he just wants to get away, and is not sure if this is going to be any better soon and what he wants his life to look like. I sit there crying and end up going to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. He hangs up saying and I quote "let me go see what's up with this girl." Meaning me...I felt angry that his cousin knew something was wrong with me.

He comes in the bedroom asking if I want to talk and I let it all out. The lack of connection, the lack of intimacy or caring. He says he does care proven by him coming and asking if I needed to talk. I blew up. I said oh and when I told you about the issues I'm having with my family and you were silent that was caring? How bout when I told you my grandmother might need open heart surgery and you were silent? For fuck sake I don't expect you to be what we were but you tell me you want me here and then I have to ask you for anything I need emotionally? Then I'm bawling again and he falls asleep!!! He's fucking snoring as I type this!!!

So what do you do when you know for your own emotional and mental health you should leave but every part of you runs away from that choice? How do in leave when my mind screams no at the thought? I'm hurting so fucking much.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/8/2013 19:49 PM

What do you do?

You give the part of you that tells you to 'stay' a *beat-down*.

You get sick and tired of dealing with the same old crap and one day you wake up and say "This sucks. Fuck him." And then you proceed. Some days it will be through sheer force of will.

But seriously. It stops when you say it stops. And that will happen when you just cannot take the disrespect and disloyalty anymore.

scangel3 posted 6/8/2013 19:54 PM


I wish I knew the answer because I ask myself the same question. Just wanted to send hugs and let you know you are not alone. One day your heart will catch up with your mind, at least that is what I have been told. Hang in there it will get better!

Unagie posted 6/8/2013 20:01 PM

Thanks scangel.

Gonnabe I have so much love for you and your 2x4's.

I keep reading my own tagline over and over hoping it'll stick.

Titanium posted 6/8/2013 20:05 PM

I am sorry you have this sucks BIGTIME. I too have a very similar behaviour coming from my WH. I have moved forward that little bit more but i know exactly where you are standing right now.

I was terrified of the thought of losing my WH. I see now that it is mostly fear based and a security thing after being with him for 24 years. Now after getting false R and sick to death of the half arsed efforts on his part. The defensiveness, blameshifting, lack of empathy, i am stronger.

I too had a meltdown 2 days ago. We have to sell our home because of him and i am doing it all by myself. He says we will get on and get things done and start talk talk.

I was balling my eyes out and all he could do was rub my leg. No hug, no it will be ok, no i am sorry......its like they do just enough to stay because we allow them too.

I am all about ME now and you needbto do the same. I know its hard but i have realised that i have been pushing for what i need from my WH and getting no results. It sounds like u r doing the same. I have backed away and told him that when we sell the house i am moving on just me and our son.

He needs to seevwhat he has and make the changes.....not us.

I think what you WH did with the phone call was totally disrespectful to you and i would dig deep, find your strength you know you have inside of you and ask yourself do you deserve to be treated this way?

I dont think so.........tell him what YOU want for yourself, not what you want him to do and then ask him to leave so you can have space. Just time apart. I know its hard but you need to see how serious he really is about your M. Throw caution to the wind.

I am at a point now that i no longer have that fear. I am not a doormat and neither are you........take back your power. He betrayed you and unless he starts to show you remorse, compassion and respect then he doesnt deserve the right to be sleeping next to you.

If he begs and pleads then give him 3 boundry rules.
1. You will NOT tolerate disrespect of any kind.
2. You will NOT tolerate any secrecy of any kind.
3. You will NOT tolerate anything other than total honesty and truth.

Or he has to leave. Make sure you say it like you mean it......and mean it.

Its the only way to see if he is totally on board with you and can start to help you heal. You deserve to be happy not disrespected by someone who is supposed to lovebyou.

Get your bitch boots on and put YOU first.

Be strong. You CAN do it.

(((((Big hugs to you)))))))

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/8/2013 20:09 PM


You'll do it when you're ready. When you've absolutely HAD IT with him. Then, you'll do it.

Jospehine85 posted 6/8/2013 22:38 PM

Maybe you are overwhelming yourself with saying "I need to leave him".

How about you take babysteps. Tomorrow, go out looking at new places to live. Don't tell yourself you have to leave him. Just tell yourself you are looking at new places to live. You don't have to rent anything tomorrow either. Just look. Just take one babystep.

solus sto posted 6/8/2013 23:27 PM

You'll do it when you're ready.
Yep. This really is the long and the short of it.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.