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time changes the answers

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caregiver9000 posted 6/8/2013 19:56 PM

Hours in the car leads to some interesting questions. One of which was "why did Daddy break up with you?"

For a long time that question would have sparked anger, rage and perhaps a barely controlled gritted teeth answer. This time I just sighed and said, "I don't know. He wanted something different. He said we were too different, and that we liked different things." (yeah, he liked sleeping around with whores and putting his junk on Craigslist, and I liked a nice normal boring life...) But I didn't even really think even the snarky background answer. Mostly I am weary of the whole "truth."

The boys were both thoughtful and indignant. They added that "Daddy broke up with OW too." and asked if I hated OW.

My answer and it was the truth: "Not really. I don't like her. But mostly I feel sorry for her."

And the final nugget of hilarity and twisted thinking from unicorn and skittle land? "Daddy made OW fat."

I expressed my doubt over such a thing and got assured that when Daddy met her she was thin but then like two months after she met Daddy... "blerp" she got fat...

I think this is probably narcissitic speak for how OW let him down, deserved to be broken up with, and other rewriting tactics. But maybe it IS truth and she put on a defensive suit of weight to try to shield herself from him. So NOT MY PROBLEM thankfully.

I wanted to post because there will be repeated times of having to talk about this stuff with the kids who bounce back and forth between US and THEM and they will have questions and crazy memories or things they hear ... Navigating the topics of infidelity with kids is HARD. But it gets easier.

SBB posted 6/9/2013 00:32 AM

The sad clown recently corrected my 5 year old when she said we were no longer married. "Daddy said you're still married".

Ugh - so now I had to explain "technically" to a 5 year old. I'll never understand why on earth he felt the need to confuse her whilst he is imposing OWUmpteen on them.

I used the analogy of going for a swim and drying everything but your big toe. If someone said you are wet its 'technically' true because your big toe is still wet..... but you're not REALLY still wet are you? Just your big toe. That seemed to do the trick.

Yep - that marriage can be summed up as a just one big wet toe. Annoying as hell but drying as we speak.

inconnu posted 6/9/2013 08:29 AM

I am fortunate(?) that my kids were older at the time of the divorce, and are now young adults. So while I didn't tell them all the details, they got (aka saw firsthand) that their dad walked out on me (and them) for the OW.

Even so, time has changed my answers. I had a long conversation with ds18 yesterday, also in the car, and there was no anger in my tone of voice. There was no rage to suppress so I didn't scare the kids. There was no instant blame to be placed on their dad. It was just a good discussion which gave me some amusement about ex, but more importantly helped my son so he wasn't holding as much in anymore.

And ds18 and I actually talked more in detail about his dad, the affair, and the now-wifetress than we have before. We also talked in general about people with low self-esteem and how it leads them to make the choices they do. It's just that we both could use ex and wifetress as examples.

But yep, time and healing has definitely changed a lot of my answers.

Strongmama posted 6/9/2013 09:43 AM

Yes these are great moments and opportunities to see how far we've come, and of course see how our children are handling the situation.
I've had the "why did dad leave?" And all those questions too. Easier to answer with time. I've literally almost bit my tongue off holding back!

It seems my middle son will ask questions (he is probably the most scared/resentful of his father, and was even very reluctant to have his dad back for our (false) reconciliation, and was hurt again when his dad left again! Pos!).
They've asked all kinds of questions....some hard to answer!
The best are the stories from my youngest who went on dates w him. What a f'ing douche! Lol
The kids told me he has a new gf and this one is nice. God I hope she is! That's all I hope for now. That he can trick some poor nice lady so she's around to care for my kids during his parenting time. He's a shitty parent; always has been, and has even admitted to it in emails thinks going to church is making him daddy of the year. Surprised he doesn't burst into flames when walking in the church....
Sorry for that rambling! Lol. Back on track; yes, we have many years and conversations to be had. It's amazing how I can now just chuckle or feel nothing. Detachment is a great thing!
I imagine this is what the cheating spouse planning to leave does. Oh well it works!

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