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found condoms.....what to do?

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Titanium posted 6/8/2013 20:23 PM

WH went out yesterday in my car. I thought i would have a poke around in his car seeing i havnt for a while. Got to stay vigilent.

Nothing to see and everything looked the same. Behind the seat is a car manual book. Now i cant remembernif i have ever looked throughnit before which frustrates the hell out of me as i have been top sniffer dog for so long now but completely blank about this.

I flick through the book and i find 2 condoms. Not ours thats for sure......

The expiry date is 2014. I rang the pharmacy and asked what the standard expiry dates are. They told me minimum 2 to 4 years. When i spoke to the OW last year i asked her if they had safe sex. She said no and that she was clean, nothing to worry about. How considerate of her.

I do believe that it was always unprotected sex with them so what about these condoms.

I am thinking he has had them for a while now.

So what to do? A friend said leave them there and keep checking to see if they disappear. I am at a point now a half arsed R going on, that i would like to know who i am really married too.

I cant take the torment.......

Do i ask him about them or leave it and see what happens?

I have so much strength now i just confront head on. Tired of the bullshit. I am at a place now where i so need to move on but not if he is a liar abd possible SA.

I guess what i am searching for is have there been others?

What do you think is the best way to handle it?

completeshock posted 6/8/2013 20:30 PM

Leave them there and see what happens. If you confront he isn't going to tell you the truth anyway, right?

Titanium posted 6/8/2013 20:35 PM

Yes i thought that.........i will have to be patient......not one if my strongest traits.


completeshock posted 6/8/2013 20:41 PM

I found condoms too, so I know what you are feeling. I'm so sorry.

Nature_Girl posted 6/8/2013 21:10 PM

Does it matter? You found condoms. You know what that means. Do you really need to continue to investigate? Do you really not know what to do with this information? What good would a confrontation do at this point? Would you expect gushing remorse, full confession & miraculous change-of-heart to the Perfect Husband? Could you believe anything he says at this point and forever going forward?

time2Bstronger posted 6/8/2013 21:19 PM

I am so sorry that you are in this position. I had found condoms years ago and we never used them. In my opinion, no one purchases and hides condoms unless they at least mean to use them. Also, and I might be naive (still!) but I would think if an AP were to lie about protected/unprotected sex, they would claim it was always protected...but what do I know. I probably wouldn't be able to just sit on this info. but if you can wait and see what happens to the hidden condoms, you may get a real answer. Again,I'm so sorry.

nowiknow23 posted 6/8/2013 21:21 PM


Random thoughts posted 6/8/2013 22:42 PM

Can you hide a VAR in his car?

longjourney posted 6/8/2013 23:34 PM

I hate to even admit this but what I did when I found condoms was to put a small pen mark on each packet to make sure that if I looked again and it was the same number, that I'd know if they were the originals. At any rate, leave them. If you confront him now, he'll just lie. Better to have something concrete.

HeartInADustpan posted 6/8/2013 23:36 PM

Leave them. Keep track of them.

Since this is general, my evil instinct is to poke little holes in them, soak in jalapeno juice and see if he comes home burning later.

But, seriously, leave them. I'm with your friend on this.

stillhere09 posted 6/9/2013 00:22 AM

I once found condoms and I was so upset that I confronted immediately without thinking. How I regretted it! I wish I had left them there and not said anything. Leave then there so you can check later to see if they're still there.

Of course, in any event, he was either using them to cheat in the past or else he is still cheating. But you will want to know for certain which is the case. I'm so sorry. I know that feeling.

honesttoafault posted 6/9/2013 00:42 AM

The problem with leaving them there is that he might remember and hide them or even throw them out and may never use them.

I know what you mean, you want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he stopped the A and forgot about these. But you said that the OW said they never used protection.

Don't tell him yet. Use a VAR and go on detective mode. I know it's hard. I always confronted right away and WH was able to gaslight, blameshift and give some lame excuse for any evidence I found.

Titanium posted 6/9/2013 02:19 AM

Thanks everyone. I shall go with majority and leave them there.

Jalapeno dipping sounds like a plan :-) and a number the idea.

I havent been posting on SI for that long so at the risk of sounding silly what does VAR mean?

stillhere09 posted 6/9/2013 03:02 AM

VAR is a Voice Activated Recorder. It pretty much fits into the palm of your hand, and it records any voice within several feet. It doesn't stay on record. It records only if there is a voice. It needs no tape and makes no sound. It can record up to 60 hours. It's a great little device because it can be hidden anywhere. 50 bucks or so at many stores.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/9/2013 03:28 AM

I'm guessing that they are old.

This is super gross, but condoms aren't always used for sex with someone else. I know a lot of guys who jerk off into condoms (no mess to clean up). Could this be a possibility?

I would put them back- with a note how you really appreciate him taking the time to wrap it up this time. I guarantee, if they are old, he won't know anything about the note. If they aren't, he will get pissed about it.

heartache101 posted 6/9/2013 06:28 AM


Do put a VAR in his auto. You can put it behind the seat or under the seat and under the steering wheel too.

Also look at his email and text messages. If you can put a tracker on his phone that will let you know where he is. IF you are a tech savy gal? I would track his activities on the computer.
You can get a lot of info on this site..
Keep quiet and watch he will reveal his true self!
Get your ducks in a roll financially. Make copies of tax returns and his pay stubs and give them to a friend or put in a safe lock box that only you have access to.
Good luck.

Sad in AZ posted 6/9/2013 07:05 AM

Do not tip him off in any way. I guarantee you will never get back into his car and he will become more vigilant at hiding things. I speak from experience.

solus sto posted 6/9/2013 07:50 AM

You can do what I did (the first time): ignore them, then buy the ridiculous rationale for their presence.

It doesn't work particularly well, but it's the path of least resistance.

I'm being semi-facetious, but really--it didn't make a lot of difference, for me. This whole infidelity thing has been an exercise in learning that I have absolutely no control over anyone but myself.

The good thing is that I learned HOW to control myself--how to state what I will and will not tolerate, an how to follow through. It took me an agonizingly long time (thanks Mom and Dad), but I learned.

You already know what the condoms mean. You don't need to collect more evidence. You don't need to sit back and watch what happens. None of us needs more than what we know, once we know our spouses are cheaters. Judges don't care---it's us who require the smack upside the head that somehow makes it impossible to ignore what we've known all along.

I'm NOT being critical. Trust me. We all act in our own time, when we're ready. It's a process.

You ask what to do. I ask: what are you ready to do?

Really, that's the only question---for any of us.

The one bit of advice I'd give is that, if you suspect continued infidelity, start getting ducks in a row. You don't ever have to march them out into the courtyard, if things start heading in the right direction. But if things head south, you want to be in a good position.

sparkysable posted 6/9/2013 14:21 PM

One does not buy condoms and hide them in the road map book unless one is having an affair. Bottom line. Don't tip your hand. Stand back, collect evidence, and make a decision.

sadtoo posted 6/9/2013 14:34 PM

This is super gross, but condoms aren't always used for sex with someone else. I know a lot of guys who jerk off into condoms (no mess to clean up). Could this be a possibility?

Umm....yeah right.

This sounds like something out of the cheaters manual.

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