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Before The Affair

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MammaMia posted 6/8/2013 21:43 PM

Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?

Did you ever think that you would have reacted the way you actually did?

Jrazz posted 6/8/2013 21:53 PM

I would have said that I would have dropped him like a hot rock.

Actually, I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.

This whole experience has been an eye-opening, live changing event. I try to never ever judge people making life decisions, especially if I've never been in their shoes.

HeartInADustpan posted 6/8/2013 21:53 PM

I would have (and HAVE) said "I'd leave just like I did with XWH#1. My DS and I deserve better than a low-life, cheating sleazeball."


Talk about feelings of self betrayal.

Josephine01 posted 6/8/2013 21:55 PM

Never, ever would have thought that I would have stayed, that alone, began trying to win him back. I still don't believe I did that. Now I'm not so much trying to win him back, or worried about if he runs back. Cause if he does it's OVER. But, I can't believe I am still here.

Jospehine85 posted 6/8/2013 22:10 PM

Some things aren't predictable.

Before I would have said, "throw him out".

But I discovered the A via skype sex chats 5 days before he was meeting her for at a conference they both attend for a 9 day sex holiday and a coming out as a couple to their peers.

They had been planning our divorce and where they would live. They had even worked out how often they would be willing to take our kids (no more then 2 weekends a month, they wanted to live their own life unencumbered)

That night via the chat logs I also discovered the OW routinely drank to black out state and hated kids (her own admissions).

There was no way I was letting that creature near my kids. I also had an overwhelming desire to completely f&*k up her plans. She had dumped her BH a few months earlier to be with my WH.

I intended to toss WH out and get a restraining order using the skype logs as evidence.

But when I tried to toss WH out and he begged to stay, I saw an opportunity to destroy the OW. I sucked it up, let him stay, and had him immediately send a NC email to OW.

I will say it gave me great pleasure to know that she had already traveled a great distance and was in the conference city waiting for him. Even better... without him she had no hotel room reserved for the 9 days.

Initially, my plans were to "play along" until I knew OW was good and gone. I wanted her life to blow up just as big as mine had. I know for a fact it has.

Somewhere along the way I noticed that my WH was actually doing the work to change and become a decent human being. Now I am staying because I can see the potential for a promising future.

Williesmom posted 6/9/2013 11:37 AM

I always said that I didn't know what I would do, and that it would depend on the situation.

Wen it happened, I tried to make it work for 2 years before I bailed. He had left years before.

Happydays posted 6/9/2013 11:51 AM

I always said to her " what ever you do don't bring the A to the house". Jokingly ofcourse.

I never imagined, she'd have an extraM A. All the time people said if at all, I'd be the one who would have an A between exW and me.
I got a chance too, but, didn't avail the offer.
My laywer too asked me if I was having an A, and trying to get rid of my wife. This was before discovering the A but after getting threats of DV and mental torture over her changed behaviour, due to the A of course.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/9/2013 11:59 AM

HAHAHA! The joke was so on me. Before I found out about the affair, FWH was a real selfish dickhead to me most of the time. A favorite phrase of his was "Shut up, bitch!" Yeah, my fault for staying and waiting for him to cheat or find out he was cheating.

Some of the things he would say to me were along the lines of "I'm leaving, I can't take your shit anymore!" mostly because he had to beg me for sex. I mean, when you tell your wife "Shut up, bitch!" and then 5 minutes later he is in bed with you and wants to fool around, I need a little bit more foreplay then the standard "Shut up, bitch!" Can't imagine why I didn't want to have sex with him.

So, when he would threaten me with leaving, I would think "Go ahead and leave, go find someone else to fuck, do you think anyone else would want to have sex with you?" HAHAHA! Guess I was wrong. I also didn't think it would hurt me, I thought I would be relieved. Just like Jrazz.

I used to daydream about him cheating on me so I could have a ticket out of our dysfunctional marriage that didn't make me the bad guy.

I thought I would kick his ass to the curb. Instead, I wound up comforting HIM on d-day. No, really didn't think I would react that way!

Sal1995 posted 6/9/2013 12:12 PM

That I would divorce her, no questions asked.

But then reality hits: I got a glimpse of the type of lowlife she would pick to raise our 4 children. So R has to be given every chance.

Skan posted 6/9/2013 12:57 PM

I always said that I would kick anyone who did that to me to the curb and make sure that he bounced. Preferably several times. And take him for every penny he had.

Funny enough, when I confronted on DDay, that's exactly what he saw and realized. I think that the exact words out of my mouth were "you have one and only once chance to come clean to me. If you lie to me, then don't let the door hit you in the ass, you bastard!" I was ready and willing to boot him out. Of course, at that time, I didn't actually KNOW that he had had a ONS. I found loads of info in the computer indicating that he was looking, talking to women, and begging for sex, but not the actual proof. When he gave it up, I know that I lost my mind. But in my rage, a sane voice told him exactly how it would be, and we continued on from there.

I never thought that would happen. I was convinced that I would boot him out. I have no idea of why I didn't, except for his coming clean and me still loving him.

MammaMia posted 6/9/2013 15:00 PM

A friend of mine found evidence of her H having an EA with a family friend. The H was away that weekend, so when he came back, she welcomed him with the phrase:" Do you want a divorce? Cause if you want one, you got it buddy!!!"

He came clean and they are still together. What I find strange is that the lady is still a family friend....

Daisy312 posted 6/9/2013 15:04 PM

I always said it was a deal breaker. I said I would leave immediately! Well 13 months later I am still here trying like hell to get my life back. It's funny I hear people talking about cheating a lot, and everyone says they would leave, but I come on here and I see that many of us try to stay first. I'm really struggling with this because I feel as though I am betraying myself by staying. Like he needs to be punished more for ruining me.

jojo42 posted 6/9/2013 15:10 PM

I am in the same boat as most...I never thought he would ever betray but was sure, when he did I'd be never know until you are faced with such a decision

LisaP posted 6/9/2013 16:31 PM

I would have divorced him. I did, eventually. It took me longer then I anticipated due to fear. I was a SAHM with no way to support myself let alone our kids. I didn't have any family around. I was alone.

But I was no more alone then I was in my marriage. My XH was a difficult person...very manipulating, compulsive liar, everyone but his family came first, blah, blah, blah. When the affair and everything else that came flooding in finally settled, I realized he wasn't worth it anymore. I wanted better or nothing at all. That is when I left.

Taking the year and a half allowed me to get straight in my head. I am glad I didn't rush it, but I do wish I had left sooner.

hobbeskat posted 6/9/2013 17:06 PM

I thought I'd throw someone out. If he had had sex with her I'm fairly sure I would have. I can't imagine that not being a deal breaker for me personally.

Amazonia posted 6/9/2013 18:54 PM

I said I would throw him out. I did.

Unfortunately this wasn't my first rodeo with infidelity, and he knew it. I'm actually pretty sure he told me about the affair so that he could have an excuse to leave.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/9/2013 19:43 PM

I would have said he was an alcoholic asshole but a loyal one who wouldn't have an A, in part because he wouldn't expend the energy required to be nice to someone else... I would and did say, if he did spend time being nice to someone else when he couldn't be nice to me, I would be pissed as hell and make his life miserable.

Well, I was right about the second part. I just had no idea that pissed would extend to bat shit crazy.

jb3199 posted 6/9/2013 19:54 PM

Before the affair: if somebody had asked you what you would do if you ever suspected or found out that your spouse has an affair, what would you have said?

I wouldn't have....because it wasn't even a possibility.

Tripletrouble posted 6/9/2013 20:32 PM

A friend of mine had an experience similar to mine just a couple months before my dday. I was appalled ( but didn't say so) that he would even consider trying to work it out. I think it's part of the reason I'm feeling so bad about attempting R. I feel like a huge sucker.

1armystrong posted 6/9/2013 20:37 PM

I always said that if my H was to ever have an affair it would be the deal breaker but here I am trying to make it work because I love this man. I have days where certain things trigger me and I go off and I have every right too! H broke the trust so he will have to earn it back. I never saw this coming people say the signs had to be there but for me it wasn't .

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