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He triggered me, now he's quiet

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TXBW68 posted 6/8/2013 21:54 PM

We were in the car going to pick up pizza for dinner. I was driving. The song "Forever My Lady" by Jodeci came on. He used to sing that to me all the time. So he grabs my hand and starts singing. I felt the tears coming. I pulled my hand away then asked him to change the channel. He did immediately.

On the way home, I told him that the words to that song now seem hollow and that I was about to cry. That I didn't want to cry tonight. He apologized and said he'll never sing it to me again. I said maybe next time I won't trigger.

So now, he's being quiet. Staying away from me. Before we left, he was sitting with me on the couch, rubbing my leg. I'm on the couch now while he's sitting in the chair.

I've told him in the past that when I trigger I need him to tell me he loves me. To hold me. Most days he's very good. Tonight not so much...

HeartInADustpan posted 6/8/2013 21:57 PM

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Triggers are the worst pain.

Maybe reiterate what you need from him when it does happen? Not meaning to generalize, but the men I've know personally can sometimes be a little dense and intimidated.

Hang in there

Jrazz posted 6/8/2013 22:02 PM

I totally hear you on this. One of FWH's strongest instincts is to flee when presented with conflict. Feelings (not just mine) equal conflict in his brain.

To this day I have to recite a calm, slow script about how I am triggering and I need him not to check out. The deal is that if I can muster it in a non-confrontational way he needs to work to stay checked in.

I'm hoping something more organic evolves out of this someday. For now, we're working on it.

Maybe you can find a calm, quiet moment to ask him how you can help him stay present when he feels himself retreating?

(((TXBW)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:02 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Card posted 6/8/2013 22:02 PM

Maybe reiterate what you need from him when it does happen? Not meaning to generalize, but the men I've know personally can sometimes be a little dense and intimidated.

I agree....
Tell him what you need.

And yes, sometimes we men really are that dense! :)

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