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Does Who Initiated the End of the A Matter for R?

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anonymous823 posted 6/8/2013 22:42 PM

I ask because I'm not exactly sure who initiated the end.

My fiancé says he did but by the time the OW started texting me, she seemed over it. Or at least that's what she told me vis text the day he said he ended it with her.

A week later she sent him an email asking him to meet her to pick up the tools he left at her place. He showed me the email and typed the reply with me; we reiterated to her that there would be no further contact and that she could keep the tools as he is committed to me.

Still I am hung up on whether he initiated the end or if she did. Her trying to get him to meet for the tools makes me think he ended it. It's impacting R for me.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 10:44 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/8/2013 23:00 PM

How does he claim he ended it? In person? Via text or email? If it was, have him show you the text or email.

If he claims it was in person, then why didn't he take his tools then?

I guess if you have already texted with OW, you could ask her.

anonymous823 posted 6/8/2013 23:04 PM

Hi Josephine,

He says he sent an email and told her by phone. I texted her after he sent me a copy of the email and she said he never sent that email but about an hour later she began erratically texting me and saying bad things about him and me. She said she was through with him and then started telling me all the bad things she thought he might have told me about her. I never responded to her texts.

Couple days later she sent the tools email.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 11:09 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

musiclovingmom posted 6/8/2013 23:08 PM

The way you describe her response makes me think he did end it. My H ended all of his before I found out. The last OW tried luring him back with texts and provocative photos. He told her to stop multiple times. Then, and only then, she messaged me on fb to tell me about their A. She did a pretty good job of making herself look like the good guy - until I got to see the conversation history and realized she told me as a last ditch effort to get me to leave so she could have him.
Has it helped with R? Some days I think yes. It helps me to know that HE realized he was wrong and that I was who he really wanted before I told him he had to choose. Then, somedays, it irritates me that he could figure it out THEN, so why not BEFORE he screwed them.

[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 11:13 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

metamorphisis posted 6/8/2013 23:16 PM

I don't know. I guess I find way more importance in how they deal with the aftermath. In our case, she ended it. Not out of any sudden moral stance or anything like that. She got bored and moved on. I didn't find out about it until months later. By that time what mattered was if he was willing to dissect every horrible choice, every thought, motivation and action.
Don't get me wrong.. it ate me up that she walked away from it. But that was my ego talking not what I needed to heal.
We wouldn't have any better off if he had ended it. We still would have had to go through the gut wrenching process anyway.

Jospehine85 posted 6/8/2013 23:18 PM

Yep, sounds like he ended it. But you can verify by checking his email "sent" folder. The email should show up in there if he sent it to her.

Right now anonymous823 it is REALLY important for you to verify everything your fiance says before the evidence is gone. If you check his "sent" folder and see the email, it will earn him a brownie point towards trust. Verifying what he says is how you are going to be able to determine that he is trustworthy again.

If you wait, your brain will continue to question and months later, when you go to verify, it's possible that the info will be gone. A lot of mail accounts are set up to save emails for only a short period of time.

Always verify as soon as a question comes in to your mind. Never wait.

Also, let him know that no matter how much he thinks info is going to hurt you, it is VERY VERY important that he get it all out now. Get all the info out once and do it now.

Trickle Truth (TT) as we call it, is probably the most detrimental thing that can happen to R.

anonymous823 posted 6/8/2013 23:22 PM

@Josephine yeah, that makes me think he ended it to. It sounds like your husband had good resolve. I struggle with my fiance getting it now and not before too. He keeps saying he changed his thinking and I always wonder why he couldn't have 6 months ago.

anonymous823 posted 6/8/2013 23:24 PM

@metamorph- thank you for your response. I do think its probably my ego too that has me focusing less on how he's handled things and more on who initiated the end. You're right about focusing on his behavior following. For the past month he's been working with me.

anonymous823 posted 6/8/2013 23:29 PM

@Josephine- he closed the email account as week after we sent her that last email. He also changed his Google number that he'd given her. I asked him to get rid of the number but he voluntarily deleted them email account. I always wonder though. We are long distance. He swears he sent the email. Her email address was on it and Im not sure he would have led me see that if he wasn't done with her but I don't know. I do worry about trickle truth because we are long distance right now.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 11:30 PM, June 8th (Saturday)]

HeartInADustpan posted 6/9/2013 00:14 AM

Hi anonymous823 and welcome to SI. So sorry for the circumstances.

For me, it was more important for him to end it. If the AP had ended it, he would have just trolled for a new AP since most of his activity was cyber related.

I think you should absolutely verify everything you can. Even a crumb of (mis)trust will make or break a relationship at this point.

Hang in there.

anonymous823 posted 6/9/2013 10:12 AM

@Heart- thank you for your reply. His affair was an EA and it was important to me that he be the one to end it too. Since I asked him to delete the email account, I can't check the sent folder. I am relying on the email we sent her about the tools.

rachelc posted 6/9/2013 12:01 PM

seriously, I ended both his affairs...

Bikingguy posted 6/10/2013 14:14 PM

To answer your question, no I don't think it necessary matters who end it. Of course I kind of need to believe that as OM was the one who gave WW a NC.

I think it matters more if WS lied about it. Mine did on D day, said it was time to end it and fix their M's. One call to OM's BW and I found the truth. I do believe that is the last lie WW has told.

In retrospect of all that I have learned in the last 5 months that seems odd to lie about that. However this process is new to WW also. It took her some time to get it.

I will say in the first month I was in a BS fog and worried that WW might need closure as OM ended it with her. But I have changed my mind on that completely - I would be more clear but we are in the R forum. Fortunately she does not appear to need it.

Bobbi_sue posted 6/10/2013 17:09 PM

All details matter to me and are part of the process of if figuring out if the whole thing is something I could forgive and move forward from. My H's remorse was the biggest driving factor for our R. But I don't really think his remorse could have been as profound or as believable if the OW had been the one to end the A.

My H ended it by throwing her under the bus immediately after D-day. To me, this is on the "plus" side of the pros and cons of dealing with the whole thing, and making the decision to R possible for us. It matters even more to me, who pursued the hardest in the first place. Again, the evidence I have gathered shows me that the OW initially pursued. This does not let my H off the hook for eventually falling for all that, but I do believe he has learned his lesson and now knows how to stay within boundaries so this could never happen again.

UndecidedinMA posted 6/10/2013 20:04 PM

Yes it did so matter for me. It was only because he ended it that I found out. She was so angry she thought that if I knew I would boot his ass, which I didn't quite do, I left.

If he had not been the ender I think R would have been almost impossible for me. The thought that it would have gone on, that he had no guilt at all. I guess that would have been the end.

FightingBack posted 6/11/2013 15:03 PM

I ended it. I wish so much that he had.

whatdoto posted 6/11/2013 15:15 PM

Actually, WH was such a chicken. He couldn't do it. So he left a trinket she gave him and some change in his jeans and I found it.

WH never leaves anything in his pockets. Everything is transferred from the old pair to the new pair every morning. That has been the ONLY time in 17 years he's done that.

I've asked him if he did it so I would catch him, he won't answer.

In addition, NC was firmly in place 5 months later when I ratted him out to the other BS. He couldn't even go NC on his own.

catlover50 posted 6/11/2013 15:24 PM

I caught him and he was thrilled to have the excuse to end it. They were both too messed up, even though he believes she was as miserable as he was. It had been a few months since they had been "together" but she was still calling and texting all the time and being needy and demanding. Crying and screaming and calling him names. It was just so lovely!

He thinks that he was ready to get the balls to end it, but the whole thing was so toxic and pathologic that I can't be sure.

And I guess that I don't really care.

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