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How long does the anger last

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shortee126 posted 6/8/2013 23:17 PM

I have been angry for about a week now and it does not seem like it is going away. I have had a rough couple of weeks with DDay being a couple of weeks ago and then the anniversary of my brothers death being tomorrow I have been really angry and keeping to myself. My anxiety has also been up so high to the point where I called for an emergency appointment with my therapist yesterday. She pointed out that maybe it is the time of year for me and the fact that we are sliding back into some of our old behaviors. One big thing that came up was the resentment that I have towards FWS for just opting out on his life and having freedom for 5 months while I was left to pick up the pieces and take care of the damage.
I go to work and come home and take care of everything. I barely ever get a break from our girls. This was a problem before the A and it is still a problem now. I never get away to do anything on my own. It is very frustrating and he does not get it .
I guess I just needed to vent and just wish this anger would go away. I am feeling stuck.

Jospehine85 posted 6/8/2013 23:25 PM


Our Ddays are close together. I have been having a hard couple weeks too.

I think your therapist's suggestion about slipping back in to some old behaviors is part of what has me triggered.

If you are not getting away to do anything on your own, you need to take some responsibility for changing that. Get out and do something. Schedule a girls night. Leave your WH with the girls and go shopping. Sign up for a class. Your WH can't be the one responsible for scheduling your away time.

I get your anger over this. I took care of everything in our marriage for 25+ years. My mistake. I should have just gone out and done things for myself. I regret not having done so.

What is stopping you?

shortee126 posted 6/9/2013 00:03 AM

Honestly his work schedule is what stops me. The majority of the time he works opposite schedules than me. I already pay for baby sitting until I get out of work and can not afford more. We see each other maybe one time per week so we try and make time for the family when he is not going to the gym. It is just really difficult.

mepe27 posted 6/9/2013 17:50 PM

I did find that the anger doesn't go away on it's own, there were unresolved issues that needed to be addressed and until they were, the anger built.

It sounds like you have pinpointed some of the issues that are leading to the anger, now you have to actively address them and work thru them to move forward.

I will say that some of my issues, it really required me to just think of the issue differently. So for example, I had a very similar anger issue b/c H's A seemed to be a mini vacation all the time, he travelled for work and he'd meet up with her at a bar and blah blah while I was at home, going no where doing nothing taking care of sick babies feeling like shit, alone. I was resentful for sure!

But when I really looked at the situation, H was constantly sick during that time, i think the stress of lying was taking a physical toll. I can't even imagine living a lie like that, even knowing about a surprise party causes me stress, I'd feel like crap non stop. And he was trying to be someone different with her, I'd hate that. He felt like a bad person, he had to live with that daily. So much was obviously bad about that time that I don't envy it at all. I feel bad that he made all those horrible choices and has to live with that. I didn't have trips or "adventures" but I was doing the best I could, I can look in the mirror and feel good about who I am. I don't know that WS can always say that. So sometimes shifting our perspective can ease the anger.

I too had to get a life, so to speak. I had nothing outside of the marriage and I would have probably been ok with that except the A left me feeling so vulnerable, i needed to do stuff on my own in order to rebuild my self esteem. I see the issue you have with juggling time and money but I do suggest you try to sort it out in some way b/c it can really help with healing. If you belong to a gym, perhaps taking the kids to child care there and having some work out time, meet a friend there and work out together. Maybe find a mom's group in your area where you can be social and the kids can play. It may not be exactly what you are looking for but just having a little bit of time where you get to be you, not mom/wife goes a long way toward healing ourselves.

Jospehine85 posted 6/9/2013 18:38 PM

We see each other maybe one time per week so we try and make time for the family when he is not going to the gym. It is just really difficult.

???? Wait. You both work. But he gets to go to the gym regularly and you don't get to do something for you? Do you see what is wrong with this picture?

If he goes to the gym 4 times per week he needs to cut it back to 2 and watch the kids the other 2 so YOU can go do something for you.

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