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He said I'm over reacting...

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LotusGrowsInMud posted 6/9/2013 03:30 AM

Hi, I am new to SI but have been lurking since my DD in March (my sad story is on my profile). My WH is out at his 20th reunion festivities, for the 2nd night in a row. Last night, he said he was only going to be out for a couple of hours. As of 2 am, he still wasn't home.
In the morning, he said that he was home at 1 am. I got up to check for him at 2 am, so I know that wasn't true. Then this afternoon he says "sorry, you were right...I set my alarm for 2 am and I went to sleep in my car for an hour because I was too tired to drive home". We live a 10 minute drive from the reunion venue.
Tonight he is out again with his classmates and texting me promising to be home soon. I told him I don't care. I'm tired of told that I am paranoid and over reacting. So all his stuff will be outside to greet him when he finally does make it home. I guess I'm not in R anymore...don't think he ever was...

confused615 posted 6/9/2013 03:41 AM

At 3 months out from dday,he shouldn't be going anywhere without you...certainly not alone,drinking or whatever,until 2AM.'re right. This isn't R. It sounds like he is still cheating. Im so sorry. SO very sorry. If you need proof,check his phone. Put a VAR in his car.

Have you read the Healing Library? I see that you're very's in the upper left hand corner of your screen. I also recommend the 180...but Im not sure where to find that(lol,sorry)..but Im sure someone will come along who can help you with that.

You are not over-reacting. he is being incredibly insensitive..and if he isn't cheating..he certainly isn't doing anything to heal you,himself or the marriage.

What has he done to show you he wants to R?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts?

Does he answer all of your questions without anger,defensiveness,or blaming you?

Has he gone NC with all of his affair partners? Has the husband of his EA/PA been notified of the affair?

Is he in IC to figure out his "why?"

It sounds like he's done none of this..and has had no consequences. Find your bitch boots. Don;t allow him to continue to treat you like this.


[This message edited by confused615 at 3:42 AM, June 9th (Sunday)]

OptimisticWife posted 6/9/2013 08:51 AM

I agree that he should be home with you this close to your last dday.
I'm sorry to read your story. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Look after yourself and you children and let him go.
(((Hugs))) and best wishes.

Jospehine85 posted 6/9/2013 13:34 PM

(((Lotus))) I would agree with you that your WH has no notion of what R is.

The lie about when he got home is unacceptable. The fact that he is even out partying without you shows that is concern is with his own desires and not your feelings.

You are not over reacting. You are simply living with a very self-centered individual who has no desire at the moment to change.

I think you are doing the right thing kicking him out. Your mantra should be "actions, not words". Don't let him back until his actions are those of a NORMAL spouse. Use the time away from him to get strong.

karmahappens posted 6/9/2013 13:40 PM

Good girl.
I am sorry you are here. It sucks, but we all support you.

I am 5 years out (almost 6) from dday and we have R'd, BUT I hefty bagged his shit and let him know I would not take these kinds of actions from him, so I applaud your strength.

Go to IC and start healing you, let him see the world without his family..if he snaps out of it great if you want to R, if not you will be stronger in the end.

Take time for you...

(((hugs))) I know it is hard, hang in there...

LotusGrowsInMud posted 6/9/2013 14:49 PM

Thank you for your kind replies!! I appreciate the support.

As for the bitch boots...apparently that is what got our marriage into this mess...according to him.

How's this for irony...

...he was having his affair during my last few months of graduate school...I just graduated with a Master's degree in...wait for it...Marriage and Family Therapy!!!

It was quite a struggle to sit through a class titled "Relationship Therapy" when one of our topics was Infidelity.

Luckily I had a supportive classmate that held my hand under the table and let me cry on her shoulder.

Hearthache again posted 6/9/2013 15:21 PM

How frustrating. I know people that never cheated that would find this behavior as unacceptable. You get married to spend time with your spouse not the opposite. Why are you not with him when the venue is so close to home? If the place is unacceptable for the both of you to attend then he needs to not be there all hours of the night.

We are 3 years out and fully R and I would not allow this. We do not engage in separate activities unless they are all of the same gender. I do not attend ever thing my H does but I am always welcomed and the same with him. That is what marriage is. Even when doing guy stuff if I am uncomfortable my H will bring me along or he will not go.

Would like to know how this all played out. I hope you are doing ok. This close to dday it is hard to do anything let alone deal with an un-remorseful WS.

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