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second time around

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beforeandafter posted 6/9/2013 04:48 AM

This is my second marriage that is now ending. My first marriage was after less than a year of dating, and I was a whopping 20 years old. Neither one of us was ready for marriage, and although that separation was traumatic, it was short lived trauma.

So after a period of 3 years concentrating on my career, I decided to look for my real Mrs. Right. I found her, or so I thought. Dated for almost 5 years, living together for a portion of that. Married after 5 years, she managed to stay faithful for a year and a half (although given what I now know that's a significant assumption.) So thankfully financially I should not be tied to her, due to the shortness of the marriage.

I never wanted to be a two time loser at marriage. I don't want the stigma attached with being divorced not once, but twice. I never wanted to be one of those people. I'm by no means wanting to jump into the dating pool, but is this two time divorce thing as bad as it is in my mind? I don't think anyone will ever make my stbx happy, but truthfully before she started hopping on random penises I was happy--as a husband and a father. Now those things are gone from me (her child was a previous relationship, and it messed up her uterus, she minimized her infertility like all the other things she hid and minimized).

So now I'm 33, and although I have accomplished many of my goals in life, I still do not have any children. 2 or 3 years down the road, I want to be healed enough to try this again. Is there any hope for that?

Fooled Me Twice posted 6/9/2013 06:09 AM

Of course you can have a sucessful relationship in the future. You have learned some valuable lessons and will take them with you to hopefully choose a better partner next time around. Really and I mean really look at the decisions you've made and your part in the failed relationships. THAT will serve you well in the future. But know that her cheating has to do with her - not you.

You and I are close in age - so I understand that feeling of a stigma of being "young" and divorced. I too feel it and try to hide it for the most part. I have a 2 yo dd that I also have the added pressure of feeling like no one will ever want to date me with a kid that young. It sucks, it all sucks. I get it, I really do. But I just keep telling myself that I need to worry about me (and dd of course) and that when the right guy comes along he won't judge me for this and will welcome not only me but dd into his life. She'll be a bonus, not a burden. In the meantime I'm working on me, hanging our with friends, family and really building my career so I can support dd and I the best I can in the future.

You'll be fine - the fact that you are here, even thinking these things shows that you're so far ahead of most guys your age.

suckstobeme posted 6/9/2013 06:14 AM

Of course there's hope. You are so young. The real mrs right and children are certainly within reach once you are healed and emerge from this mess a different and even stronger person.

As far as being upset at the twice divorced thing, I understand that, but it's not like you have to advertise it. You're not wearing any sort of label.

Anyone you choose to tell, if he or she is a compassionate, level headed person, will understand that the end of this second marriage has nothing to do with you. Your ex wife's choice to cheat has nothing to do with you. So what can you do? You move on and heal. The path to your desires is not what you thought it would look like. But that doesn't mean you won't get there in the end.

beforeandafter posted 6/9/2013 06:45 AM

Thank you for the support. Like most of this whole ordeal the abuse we have endured seems too severe to believe that anyone else could have endured such a thing. Once again, SI users show that none of us are alone in our hardship. Thank you for the encouragement. I'm sure this is all a part of the process, but finding something to look forward to after I get through this seems appealing. Right now I feel like Andy in Shawshank Redemption, just before he crawls through the sewer. I just want to look forward to that beach in Mexico as I wallow in the sewage. ;-)

Mousse242 posted 6/9/2013 10:39 AM

My mom was my step dad's 3rd wife (we lost him in Jan). They were married over 20 years and were great together (yeah they had bumps of course but overall, they were great together).

There is ALWAYS hope.

vb1984 posted 6/9/2013 12:40 PM

I think you'll be fine, like someone else said you don't have to advertise the fact that you've been divorced twice. You're still young and when you meet the right person she'll understand that the endings of your marriages weren't because of some flaw or fault of yours.

gahurts posted 6/9/2013 13:49 PM


I know how you are feeling. I am twice divorced, too and if I am honest, getting D'ed for the second time was a major issue for me. Even more so than the loss of my M. I was as devestated due to the fact that is was my 2nd D as I was at the loss of my family as a unit.

But hang in there, my friend. I am now dating a really great woman who accept me regardless of the past I had little control over. I know that it was not my fault that xWW cheated. And it's not your fault either. They own this. The entire thing. When the time is right, you will find the right woman and she will not care that you'vebeen D'ed twice. She will care for you for who you are.

Coraline posted 6/10/2013 03:47 AM

We all have our own, um, the word that comes to mind is "baggage", but for me it's my kids, and I would never consider them "baggage", so I don't know what to call what I mean, lol. I'm 34 and I have 3 kids. Who the hell is ever going to want to date me? Who wants to date a woman with 3 kids, especially the ages of my kids? Granted, I have no desire for a relationship right now, but one day I will. I used to think I never would, but I can tell now that one day I will, and who will want to be in one with me? My attorney laughed at me over this (nicely - she's awesome). She said, "Look at you! You're young. Of course you'll get married again. You'll marry some nice man who has kids of his own." Maybe you'll marry someone who's been divorced a time or two, lol. There is someone out there for practically everyone. It will be okay. :)

beforeandafter posted 6/10/2013 04:17 AM

Thanks all for the support. Being on this site has helped me to understand how broken and messed up our waywards really are, but let's face it, many people who have never been through this still have a pop culture sensibility regarding infidelity: she must have cheated because she wasn't getting something at home. In my state, adultery is not even grounds for divorce anymore. Sad.

I think the worst part about being a two time divorcé is how poorly I picked the second one. Somehow I picked this person who was clearly mental. I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better, as she has seen a psychologist. Because she knows my name here I won't get into specifics of her condition, but my ability to pick a healthy person to partner with is certainly in question. I know I need to get right before I start looking for a commitment. Its nice to know that others have gone through these feelings. I'm only about two weeks from knowing my marriage was over for sure, and only 5 days into actual separation, but I can't believe how much easier this is to handle than infidelity. Anyways, thank you again for reaching out to me.

SBB posted 6/10/2013 05:41 AM

None of us wanted D. The thing is what we wanted less was the abuse of infidelity.

I can't believe how much easier this is to handle than infidelity

Isn't that the truth! Even on my worst days in the beginning it was still better than most of that M. I am starting to live again and be the person I have always been, the person I numbed and dumbed down to keep the peace.

What is weird is I have lots of friends my age who have never been married - their POV is that 'people' believe there is something wrong with them because they've never been married and divorced.

That there is some messed up thinking.

I would try not to be so hard on yourself about the divorces. They don't define you anymore than infidelity defines all of us here. Sometimes it just is what it is.

For the right person it won't matter that you're twice divorced in the same way it won't matter to the right person for me that I don't want any more children.

As they say around here broken attracts broken. I casually date on/off - the really intense/love bombing ones are the ones I tend to be the most attracted to. As it happens they are also the most broken.

My picker is definitely still on the fritz.

I'm starting to accept my part in choosing the wayward I married. There was/is a brokenness in me that gravitates towards guys like that. I always thought my type was a particular set of physical attributes - turns out its not.

Often the reason I feel so close and so fast to a particular kind of person is that their underlying behaviour and how they 'love' is familiar to me - sometimes from prior relationships, sometimes from my FOO.

One of the stages of my healing will be examining this attraction and developing the skills to make better choices.

I'm not afraid I won't find someone to love or love me - I'm afraid that I will never be ready and/or won't trust my choices.

UnsettledOne posted 6/10/2013 06:15 AM

Sure there is hope. Without hope there is no vision for the future, and hope resides in you according to your desire for your future.

The real question is can you select someone for the right reasons. Some marriges are dead on arrival. We marry the wrong person because of our wrong focus.

The focus cannot be on wanting children, or thinking we are running out of time or it is now time to be married. If so we make wrong choices.

This may sound crazy but some people need the excitement of being elicite. Once that is gone they find someone who will give them that feeling.

I don't know if that is the case in your situation but I find it interesting she didnt stay faithful after you married but did prior to marraige.

For me sexual intercourse before marraige is out of the question. Sure we can grow toward one another until marriage but i will not shack up nor enter that type of relationship prior to marriage.

You are young and men can generate children until very old age..even after women cannot...don't get in a hurry. Get healed and find out why you are repeating this pattern by choosing the wrong women. Proper boundary setting for your self and the person you allow in your life is a very healthy consideration.

I suggest looking for a book or two on boundary setting in realtionships which lead to marraige...I gaurantee you will be better prepared to say no to those you should say no to!

sparkysable posted 6/10/2013 06:38 AM

Just make sure you take time to heal and learn about yourself. Too many people jump into dating way too soon and it ends up turning out to be a repeating cycle.

I don't blame myself for his infidelity, but I do blame myself for choosing someone who was so blaringly broken in the first place. That fault lies with me, and I've spent my time trying to find out why.

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