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Anger Management

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ItsaClimb posted 6/9/2013 05:20 AM

R has been going so well the last couple of weeks. I feel we have really turned a corner. fWH is working SO hard on his issues and it is wonderful to see the changes in him. I have been working very hard on letting go of the pain and trauma surrounding the A and it feels good. I feel positive about our future together, I know we're going to get through this.

BUT there is this anger thing.

Since D-Day I have been on the proverbial roller-coaster, I've lurched through the entire spectrum of emotions but the over-riding emotion has ALWAYS been anger. I have ranted, raved, screamed, shouted, flung things around, called fWH names... I have EXPRESSED my anger. There is not a single angry thought that fWH has not heard, seen and felt emanating from me in glorious technicolour. Again. And again. I never knew it was possible for a single human being to radiate anger the way I have! I could have lit up an entire city with the sheer force of my rage. This has gone on for 9 full months....

A few weeks ago I realised it was time to call "time" on this thing. Seriously. Enough already. fWH KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am pissed off with him in the extreme about the A. There is no reason to keep on and on with all the yelling. It is destructive. It is bad for my health, bad for fWH, bad for our relationship, bad for our family. Enough!

I had a long chat with fWH and let him know that although I was going to stop destroying all of our crockery he was in no way to get the impression that I was finished being angry with him. I will always be angry with him for his arseholish behaviour, but I was going to "lay down arms" and focus on re-building our relationship, loving him and having some fun. In all seriousness, we had a really good talk and have reached a very good understanding and the last couple of weeks have been good. We have had moments of sadness, some dips in the roller-coaster, but we have come through them well. I am NOT suppressing anything, and when things crop up (which they frequently do) we talk them through. Life has felt so lovely and peaceful and positive.

So it hit me really hard when on Friday I had this horrible "episode" Our 18 year old daughter did something really annoying (nothing earth-shattering or serious, just annoying typically teen-age behaviour) and I COMPLETELY over-reacted. .. I found myself yelling and screaming at her. It was awful. The poor girl was so hurt! I felt absolutely terrible about it and humbly apologised to her and explained that my reaction was way OTT.

I am devastated. This is just not me. I don't parent in that way. Yes I have been known to scream and shout, but not for some minor misdemeanour! My girls know that I only go off "pop" when they have done something seriously wrong.

Clearly, what happened on Friday was pent-up anger that came pouring out the minute I got a little bit cross. Something like a road-rage incident and my poor child was the target...

I can't be doing this. And I don't know how to handle it. The thing is I have expressed all the anger I feel towards fWH. I really have, I haven't held back at all. But I can't keep on and on expressing the same old things again and again. I am so tired of the fighting and it is destructive to our relationship. On the other hand I don't see how I will miraculously suddenly stop feeling angry. I just don't know what to do? I am at a loss as to how to handle this. One thing I know for sure is that I don't want to be unleashing my pent up fury on my teenage daughter!!

Just wondered if anyone here has experienced this kind of thing? Any input?

I am looking at finding an IC - I have exhausted all options in my area, and will have to look further afield which is going to be very difficult logistically, but I think it's necessary.

Sirius posted 6/9/2013 12:49 PM

You are human. And it is so tough when the kids (who likely no nothing of why Mom and Dad are so irritated with each other) get the brunt.

The silver lining is that you are recognizing that you misdirected your anger. I have this problem, too. You just want to control something and your kids are something you should be able to control (which, apparently, we lost with our spouse..that kind of thinking).

How does your fWS handle your daughter after this outburst? Does he take her aside and be the "good cop", reassuring and empathetic? Or does he disappear into the woodwork and let you take all the responsibility? That's a huge conversation to have, because he has to realize that, while you need to control your emotions, he played a big part in them being there. He also has to take a role in keeping sanity (and repairing the collateral damage) in the house.

ItsaClimb posted 6/9/2013 13:22 PM

Thanks for your response Sirius.

fWS was very upset about the outburst I had. At the time he said that he felt my daughter and I needed to take a moment to calm down. When I went to the bedroom, all emotional, he followed me there and once I had calmed down I got upset and said that I felt I had over-reacted because of pent-up anger over the A, he began crying (not like him at all, he's very macho) and said that he had realised that this was behind my outburst. He said that he felt terrible, and responsible, because he was beginning to realise just how far-reaching the consequences of the A are. He was the one to suggest that we perhaps need to find a therapist to help us deal with the fall-out that our family was suffering as a result of the A.

It's only now that I am truly seeing how deep the trauma/consequences and fall-out of the A actually reach. It's scary to me, because just as I begin to feel I have a handle on things, some other aspect of it seems to surface and I feel quite at a loss again.

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