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Lying to protect

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cuppacoffee posted 6/9/2013 09:35 AM

Is the dumbest cop out!
I asked for the whole truth. Instead I get repeatedly stabbed.
He said he didn't want to hurt me more. F@ck you.

They had sex 3 times. Not two like he told me at first three times. Apparently it takes three times to feel bad.
I want to scream.

In other news, I want to tell the bbf. I think he deserves to know. And I think she deserves to rot in hell for her mistake.

tired girl posted 6/9/2013 10:36 AM

I think you better expose this in order to have two sets of eyes on this.

What are YOUR boundaries at this point?

He has shown that he is not done lying and he doesn't get it yet. What are you doing for you?

cuppacoffee posted 6/9/2013 11:43 AM

I have no idea. I feel like I know nothing about myself a d my life. I don't know what I like or don't like anymore. I am a homeschooling mom of 6. I stopped hanging out with my friends a year or two back when he would get angry with me for going out every month.
I don't know who I am.

Eudaimonia posted 6/9/2013 13:06 PM


Take a deep breath.

You DO know what you like and what you don't like. Do NOT doubt yourself. You DO know who you are. The problem is that you do not know who you have been married to. You thought you knew, but you were deceived. This has nothing to do with you or who you are.

Yes, the other bbf does deserve to know. Have you thought about how to inform him?

tired girl posted 6/9/2013 15:23 PM

Can you start getting in touch with some of your friends again?

cuppacoffee posted 6/9/2013 17:18 PM

Idk most of them were my mommy friends and their little ones have grown. I'm the last one with a baby. Also they tend to do things that I am no longer comfortable with.

I hang out with my sister but I haven't told her and I don't Dolan on telling her.
My homeschool friends are very religious so I don't fit in.

Excuses I know. I just don't feel like me but I don't k ow what I am. I do love to run but ive gained so much weight that I do feel like running.

Jospehine85 posted 6/9/2013 18:19 PM


I am a home schooling mom just like you. I am going to take 1 exercise class this week.

What one thing are you going to do for you this week?

luv2swim posted 6/9/2013 18:44 PM

cuppa ...

I was a homeschooling mom too. I do not know that homeschooling necessarily contributed to my own emotional trauma and what now, in hindsight seems like some form of PTSD. I do however, notice that the requirements of homeschooling caused the kids and I to be a very family oriented unit. We included husband/dad in this, and assumed he was "all-in" with us. The bubble-burst of reality was challenging for me, and to an extent, it seems to have been difficult for our kids too.

As you wrote here, I too became detached from myself. A good therapist explained that this was a common experience when someone we love, and most importantly, trust deeply, act with disdain towards us, and the trust/love we hold for them. It is destabilizing to all we hold to be true.

I was outraged that my beloved mate was/is who he is. And too, I was not happy with my own outrage at someone I loved. Sometimes I felt like his actions with the affair partner were acts of aggression towards me/us/the family. As you wrote, I used the word being "stabbed" by his actions. For me, it felt like his actions with OW were sharp cuts to the very heart and soul of my love for him, for us, for our family.

For me, the road back to "me" began with simply recognizing I love my husband. However, his actions, and his putting the needs of the other woman before our family, did not work for me. And, this never will work for me as his wife.

As tired girl noted, recognizing YOUR boundaries at this point is important. Defining your boundaries are part of knowing who you are at this point, and important in knowing the desired order of your world.

I traveled the road back to "me" when I recognized what is now so obvious (but I could not so easily grasp in that PTSD mush-mind state), that I did not EVER want to be married to a man who wanted to be with someone other than me, and our children.

As a homeschooling mom of 6, it may also be helpful to recognize in you, your importance and value as the stable parent, and director of education for your children. Assuredly this is a huge job, made more challenging when your mate puts his own selfish what-evers of the moment as priority one, and in full disregard of you, his mate, and your 6 children.

You will find the path back to you in time.

My mantra during this phase was:
Left foot - Right foot - Breath in - Breath out .....

[This message edited by luv2swim at 1:46 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

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