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I'm the one stuck in the mud...Long

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Sirius posted 6/9/2013 12:38 PM

So, here I am, about a year away from D-Day Part II, and I'm in turmoil. And I don't know why.

FWW has behaved herself. She's listened when I've needed to talk, been completely transparent and supportive when I've asked. I have no reason to believe she's been in contact or is entertaining the thought of contacting an AP or any potential AP's.

So, what's the problem? We never really processed last June. And last June seemed to unravel everything we had built back up from the June five years ago. Oh, and by the way, its June again, and my own insecurities just went through the roof on June 1.

Here's the issue: we did what we needed to immediately following the discovery of the EA last June: sent out the letter, went to counseling, WW was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and placed on medications. But shortly after that, her new job became overwhelming. Testing for new licesure took up the whole of nearly three months, and it seemed like the healing we needed to do was put on the back burner.

Then, once the licenses were in place, we started to process a little more, but right around November, her new boss went ballistic on her. In all, it resulted in about a five month process of termination of her job. It sent her into a depressive cycle, and pretty much the entire family was affected by it.

Now, by my own admission, I went passive in dealing with the EA. I was afraid of taking my wife, who was clearly distraught over her work situation, to the brink and blowing everything up. I have been bottling up all these emotions...anger, distrust, anguish, pain...and waiting. And waiting.

And, by her own admission, she has so much shame over last June, she's sometimes avoided it. She has bravely taken whatever I've needed to talk or vent about and taken it, been apologetic, said and done all the right things...but still maintained a distance from the emotional part.

That came to a head last week, with a loud, anguished assault by me, finally opening up the floodgates for both of us. Now that she's not working, she's had plenty of time to sit home (alone), which also builds up the tension and anxiety on my part.

To be honest, while I know many of you will suggest that I need to install cameras or spy software, I'm just done. I've said it many times to her: the next time is the last time. There are no more chances, nothing. You so much as contact an old boyfriend and the marriage is done. I'm can't spend night after night on the internet trying to chase her text messages or emails down. I have all her passwords and I can freely look at everything. I don't believe she's doing anything.

But, even though she's said she will do anything for us, I don't know what to do. She asks what I need, offering to do whatever I need, but I don't know. I know that I'm mad, I'm frustrated, and scared, I'm oversuspicious because of the month. But most of all, I'm in anguish because I feel like all we rebuilt from 2007 is shattered, and we just can't follow some pattern to repeat it.

Only a fool thinks he can just repeat the same thing over and over and get different results. But I don't know what to do.

I've expressed my feelings: she knows she is the one needed to prove things to me, and there's no "equality" in some situations: I don't need to report where I am at all times to her, simply because she needs to check in with me often. I didn't do anything to threaten our marriage and trust. She did.

But I haven't completely done that primal release of emotion, nor do I think she has, either. I don't know if that's the secret or the key. I know that counseling is a lot more expensive with an insurance change, and the last time I went, he essentially told me to give up on the marriage.

That's tough for me to process...because I feel like it is savable and I don't want to give up on it. But I do realize the issues to be resolved now start with me.

How do I process this year-long bottled up anguish and distrust? How do we get ourselves back on the track to reconciliation? I don't like feeling this way, and want our marriage to be reconstructed in a stronger, healthier way. I just know right now I'm so hair-trigger angry that I'm not doing us any favors to getting on the right path. I hate feeling this way, and while she's been more than patient with me, it has to be wearing on her, too. At some point we have to start moving forward.

jjsr posted 6/9/2013 12:53 PM

It sounds to me like you both need to be back into MC and or IC too help you sort thru your feelings.

Sirius posted 6/9/2013 13:00 PM

jjsr...totally agree. Going to IC this week.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/9/2013 13:09 PM

But I do realize the issues to be resolved now start with me.

I disagree. What is she doing to change? What work is she doing on herself? How is she making herself safe for you?

We used the phrase stuck in the mud a lot last year. That is exactly how I felt. We were doing a lot of work on our relationship, while ignoring the past. We were under the impression that if we made the present and future so good the past wouldn't matter.

I would never have felt safe in the present if the past wasn't looked at.

IC for her definitely. And maybe MC for you both.

Our priorities for R are:
1 ourselves
2 our relationship/family
3 career

Any other order all would fall apart.

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