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"Getting away with it" looking for BS replies

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She-Ra posted 6/9/2013 13:55 PM

Lately my BH has been pretty triggery, more than ever before. I think it's due to multiple things like reality has set in about our R. That he has let his wife get away with cheating and getting everything I wanted in our life together. I think he's also just stressed about our baby being born in a few weeks and some financial pressures. Plus he thinks that he will lose some time with friends for a while.. Plus work is always giving him the runaround.

Anyways it has been troubling that I can't seem to help him with triggers. He told me last night that I shouldn't take everything he says so seriously. Like he wants to say his piece and not analyze it. When he mentioned that he thought I got away with cheating, I tried to reassure that I don't feel like I did. The agony of knowing that I betrayed him is with me every day and how thankful I am to have a second chance for our life together. I apologized to him and tried to be loving. He kinda shook it off and thought I was too serious. I reminded him that it is serious and that I want to help him. He says he's fine but he might just trigger again today or tomorrow or maybe not for a few days or weeks. Who knows.

I know I can't control how he processes and heals. He's done really well and the MC has helped a lot. I can tell this will be a few year process in R and I want to be as good as I can for him.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to help my BH with his feelings that I got away with it?

sisoon posted 6/9/2013 14:10 PM

First, I think you've nailed one problem - a big increase in stress. (Actually, I sort of laughed at that 'lose some time with friends for a while' unless 'a while' is at least 18 years....) Big changes mean big stress, which brings up memories of old stresses, so I'd expect triggering, not that knowing why one is triggering helps much.

WRT helping your H with his triggers: your report makes it sound like he doesn't want or need help - and IMO that's OK. Sometimes a person just wants to vent, and all he wants from you is to say, 'I hear you.'

My W often says, 'I hear you, and I'm sorry I put you in that position'. That's good, but sometimes all I really want her to say is, 'I hear you.' Your/My mileage WILL vary, depending on how you/I feel at the time.

Your H is responsible for healing himself, and he knows what he needs, so ask him - 'I hear you're angry/sad/scared. What can I do to help?'

It's great that you want to help your H through triggers. It's great to offer help. But if he vents, if he says something that doesn't include a request for you to do something, often the best help you can give is just to be with him.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:12 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]

sadtoo posted 6/9/2013 14:38 PM

I think sometimes men just need to vent with no intervention. They just need to let it out, know you heard them and that's it. They don't need all the in depth convo that we do.

tired girl posted 6/9/2013 14:47 PM

I am going to agree with what the others have said here and take it a bit deeper.

When you express that it doesn't feel that way for YOU, you are making his trigger about you. Try not to do this. I had to help Hlessons with this. My triggers were about me, not about how he felt. Make sense?

So as they have said, just listen and let him vent, and that you are sorry. Hopefully, this fades after the baby comes.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/9/2013 14:48 PM

The agony of knowing that I betrayed him is with me every day and how thankful I am to have a second chance for our life together

Do you tell him this regularly? Or do you only tell him when he is struggling?

I wanted to see that my fWS was in as much pain as I was. When I would see her going about her the day normally and I was stuck in A thoughts I would get jealous and frustrated. I needed to know she was struggling too, even when I wasn't.

Added stress definitely adds to added triggers. And all anxiety feels like A anxiety. And the A gets blamed for everything. That will ease with time and work.

But hearing her torment of the A and gratitude for R reminded me we were both in this together.

Fighting2Survive posted 6/9/2013 15:52 PM

The agony of knowing that I betrayed him is with me every day and how thankful I am to have a second chance for our life together

This is what stopped me from feeling that my FWH "got away with it." Well into our 2nd year of R, he would have times where he would break down and apologize profusely for what he put his family through. It was clear that the pain he caused weighed on him every day. Watching that was hard for me, but it kept me from ever feeling like he got away with anything. It's a burden I can't imagine carrying.

Tell him how you feel about what your choices cost him, and do it regularly- on your own and not in response to anything he's said or when you see him in pain.

That was what helped me the most.

somanyyears posted 6/9/2013 16:09 PM


Tell him how you feel about what your choices cost him, and do it regularly- on your own and not in response to anything he's said or when you see him in pain.



SisterMilkshake posted 6/9/2013 16:10 PM

Well, I feel the same way as your BH. WS's got away with cheating. You had a vacay from the marriage and were dating. We stayed faithful, did the cooking, cleaning, yard work, fixed cars, took care of children, etc.

We didn't get to have someone adore us and blow sweet nothings up our ass, making us feel like we were the most important person in the world. We didn't get to have those butterfly feelings with the first kiss, the first touch, the electricity, etc., etc..

FWH enjoyed the hell out of his little fuckfests. Oh, yeah, he says now it wasn't worth it, but the fact is, he had some fun times and enjoyed it. He can't undo the enjoyment and the fun. Unless you or anyone else knows how to go back in time and undo the past, WS's got away with. Especially if they are reconciling.

Sure, there are some consequences that WS's pay. Some more major than others. My FWH just has some minor consequences to pay. But, there is no justice or fairness for the BS. There is nothing that balances it out for us.

I imagine your BH is a man with strong feelings about what is just and fair. I am that kind of person. Justice has been a passion of mine since I was a young child. For those of us with strong feelings about this it takes longer to get over those feelings.

I am 3 years out from d-day and I still feel the injustice of it all, but I am much closer to the acceptance stage at this point. Some days I actually feel like "Meh!" about FWH "getting away with it".

As everyone else has shared, just make sure you listen to your BH vent about this. For me, a hug goes a long way when I am triggering.


She-Ra posted 6/9/2013 17:42 PM

Thanks for all the replies! You guys have given me lots to consider and good advice.

On my phone so can't quote..

Sisoon: haha yeah I was using that time with friends term lightly. But he knows that I'm not gonna cage him up all the time and I want him to keep up his hobbies. He gets too crabby if he doesn't go and let off steam sometimes so I would prefer that he does spend time with friends too.

You and sad too made a good point. I think he does want to make sure I hear him but I don't always have to discuss it.

TG: that is good insight. I don't want to make his trigger about me. I guess I need to step back on that because it was all about me that got us into the mess in the first place.

Chicho: no I don't say it regularly at all. I did more in the first few months but that's it. I got gunshy about A talk because he didn't want to discuss it. I hid my feelings of shame a lot and cried when I was alone. I didn't want him to think I needed comforting or anything. We did most of the talking in MC where he felt comfortable and knew we had to discuss. It's only lately that he has become to freely mention it. Honestly I can't believe how much he can talk about it now rather than before it was very taboo for him.

F2S: glad to see you back!! We missed you. You made a similar point to Chicho.. I think my BH would respond well to me talking about what my choices has cost him. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks that I haven't changed enough. Like maybe its not noticeable enough to him even though I know I have made changes to my thought processes, decision making and feeling empathy towards him for what I did to him.

Sister: you pretty much nailed it right on the head there. Those are the things that bothered him the most. That vacay I took from the marriage and did in such an evil manner. When I was confessing and the months that followed where we discussed the 4 As. It always came back to.. Why so many guys? What drew you in? Why the hell did you join AM???!! He had even said, I can see 1 or 2 from the bar when you are drunk but sober and looking on the Internet?! There is no justice for him. He even thought about RA about 3 weeks post dday but he talked himself out of it on his own. He said he wanted those butterflies, that excitement to see what I got. Then he knew that wasn't him and took away everything he believed in our marriage. Then was angry that I couldn't stay faithful when he can. Plus he said I don't even know what an eye for an eye would be because I had 4 As. He said he could never gross himself out to that degree anyways.

In the way you put it, I did get away with it but the price was awful. You can't undo any of it. And no matter what, my BH will always look at me as the one who cheated on him. Sad reality that everyone on SI has to come to terms with whether its R or D.

The only comfort that we have is that we are trying to make our marriage better and our love is strong. Thankfully he didn't give up on me.

Thanks again for everyone's replies. Helped me put into perspective

reallyscrewedup7 posted 6/9/2013 20:19 PM

This is something with which all BSs have to come to terms. Our WSs did get to have that excitement, the illicit sex, the time off from reality, and the chance to torpedo the marriage.

The WS did pay a price. But the WS got the fun and thrills. THe BS pays an amazingly steep price and got nothing but pain.

Give him time to come to grips with that. It will suck. He will get angry. Maybe for a long time. But he will either develop an internal narrative to rationalize it or he won't.

Telling him that you suffer from your decisions (giving him specifics) might make him feel better. But never think that the price you paid will help him feel that the price he paid was worth it.

That will never work.

He either accepts it or he doesn't. And it will take time for him to accept it.

sisoon posted 6/10/2013 11:39 AM

I've read the replies, and I wonder if yours is another sitch in which the '5 love languages' will provide solutions.

Search for the 5LL site on the web, take the self-test and ask your H to take the self-test. It might give you solid insight on how best to communicate your thoughts and feelings to each other.

Jospehine85 posted 6/10/2013 11:58 AM

Hey messedupchick,

I know my trigger thoughts kind of rotate topics. "Getting away with it" is definitely one I have rotated through.

It's pretty normal.

I want to say that when you told him you didn't feel like you did "get away with it", I know you were trying to comfort him, but if my WH said it to me I would probably feel like he was trying to invalidate my emotions. It kind of smacks of telling him "no you are wrong".

I think a better response would be to simply acknowledge his pain and let him know you understand why he would feel that way.

Jospehine85 posted 6/10/2013 12:01 PM

double post

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 12:02 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

nofool4u posted 6/10/2013 12:58 PM

Does anyone have any ideas on how to help my BH with his feelings that I got away with it?

I think alot of us BS think that a WS got away with cheating unless we divorce. I have thought that as an x-BS. I feel my x-wife didn't get away with it because I divorced her.

Your H may be thinking the same thing. Not that he is thinking of divorcing you, but the fact that he stayed and forgave you, you got away with it. In other words you were able to cheat and keep the marriage.

So how do you help him? I don't think you can. But if there is a chance you can, then maybe you need to tell him that if he feels that because you got to stay in the marriage that you got away with it, that you are grateful for his forgiveness and are thankful everyday that you are his wife and there is no place you'd rather be and will never take him for granted again.

Other than that I can't think of anything. Just think of it in the context that he may think you being able to keep your marriage is getting away with it and mold your conversations around that.

wert posted 6/10/2013 16:01 PM

I think part of this is a time thing. Consistent messages and support from you will help. Ask him what you can do for him?

At the end of the day he got screwed. That is not something you just wake up an accept, but instead something the is honed over time as truth. Can't dress up that pig. I don't say that to beat you up or him, but it is just a fact.

I wish, as much as I do that anymore, that there was a way to change that truth or make it even somehow. My guess is you wish you could make it up to him also. The more he comes to realize how much you would really like to make it up to him the more he (hopefully) will see that he's got a new women on his hands and a better one to boot.

take care...

jasonguitarboy posted 6/10/2013 22:17 PM

COMMITT to reconciliation. Prove every day that he didn't make a foolish decision to give you a second chance. Cherish that and take it VERY serious. Prove to him that he can live out the rest of his life with a loyal woman. Its day by day... every day is more proof of your remorse. Every day is proof of your true feelings. If he sets boundaries respect them. Never hide anything from him. Stay open and honest. Do not waiver. Be diligent. This is a permenant change, there's no relaxing and going back to "normal".

She-Ra posted 6/11/2013 16:41 PM

Thanks again for all the replies. I feel like I needed to hear and feel some light 2x4s on the subject. I have never wanted my pregnancy to overrule my BHs healing and my work as a WW. At times it definitely has but that is one reason why I continue to be active in this forum. It would be all too easy to stop reading, learning and trying to improve myself. Unfortunately IC for me and MC for us both (he said no to IC) are not affordable this moment although we are clearly not done with both. We do try to talk about subjects that would be conducted in MC but not consistently.

RSU7: you're right that does help. When I do talk to him about how I suffer my own consequences it does make him happy to know that. On dday he said there is no punishment that he can give me that would be better than the one I will give myself. If he didn't see me feeling bad or trying to help myself and marriage, he would think that I have no soul for what I did. It was cruel and forgiving myself has only come in stages. He says he forgives me but I think he's trying to hard when he shouldn't rush it. He really just wants to forgive me and move on but I can see that he's stumbling with the reality of moving on.

Sisoon: we have done the 5LL test which was surprising for both of us. We speak different LL except on the same page for touch and quality time. But he are all opposite for acts of service, gifts and words of affirmation. Those 3 are struggles for us. We also need to work on that book again as you're right, it would help us more.

Josephine: you made some good points. You are right about acknowledging him and showing understanding. I really don't think he took it that well when I did talk to him about getting away with it. Didn't matter what I said, he was meaning that I got away with it because it didn't end the marriage and we started our family. He sees it as me being a spoiled brat who went and cheated when I didn't get my own way but now I get what I wanted anyways.

That does tie with what nofool4u posted. Showing my gratitude helps with him feel better about his decision to R with me. He never once says he regrets it and feels happy that we are together working at it but there is always going above and beyond for him that I should do more of. Stuff that he can really take notice for. I need to make sure I have a successful birthday weekend for him. Easier said than done at 38 1/2 weeks pregnant but I will die trying to make him happy and loved this weekend. It's a good way of showing gratitude to him

Anyways.. Thanks for everyone's replies. Good reminders and advice for us

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/11/2013 21:11 PM

I'm nearly four months from d-day and struggling with exactly this. I feel that my WW got away with cheating.

I don't have advice, but here's my twisted thinking.

I lost a lot. Our engagement, our wedding day, our marriage, our innocence, the little things we shared together over 12 years and the big things we overcame before we both achieved so many of our goals.

All that, my WW gave away when she chose to cheat. I didn't want to lose those things. She discarded every single one of the things I listed above.

I'm left asking myself why those things were so important for me, but so easily discarded for her.

I imagine that's where your BH is living -- in a similar head space.

I can't think of a single thing that will make me feel better and the only sense of justice I can think of is divorcing my WW.

I think about D all the time now, but it seems to be with the intention of achieving justice, of making sure that she loses something, too.

That's not a good reason to D, so I'm still here and still in pain.

Good luck with your situation.

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