I think there was a tiny part of me hoping that somehow all of this endless waffling might have turned into a commitment to R. Most of me knows that's not likely or even desireable. This tiny part seems to be bubbling to the surface. I know I need to let go of it. The last hope that what was once a loving, devoted husband would reemerge from the pod person.
I'm sorry today has been sucky so far. When do your children get back?
It's a process and it takes a lot of time to get used to this change you never wanted. Be kind to yourself all the time, but especially when he has the kids. Sometimes it's ok to stay in pjs all day, watch movies, read a good book, drink nice coffee and order in. It's ok. You are healing your soul from a huge trauma. Take it easy on yourself.
This is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. I want the NC. The same part of me that wishes he would suddenly emerge from the pod person also wishes he would fight for his family. That hasn't happened so far, and I don't realistically expect it to suddenly start now. It's the death of the last glimmer of hope, as suckstobeme said. It's almost like I don't want to let go of it in case he suddenly comes to his senses (laughable) and I don't want to have totally moved on just in case. He did call me a fanatic when I laid down the NC rules.
I guess there will be a lot to cover in IC this week.
I know where you are. I was in that "last glimmer of hope" stage for a very long time. You never know what it will be that tips you over the edge. That moment when you realize that you and he will just never agree on what is important in life, what is needed to move forward together.
Admitting to myself that the man I fell in love with is not there anymore was really tough. I don't believe what I want from life has changed much. I tried to accept the changed him but I couldn't. I can't do without trust and transparency.
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.
go back and read what suckstobeme wrote.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön