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Reconnecting intimately

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jojo42 posted 6/9/2013 15:32 PM

I know this will probably be all over the board, but when did you feel ready to be intimate again? Our most recent DDay was a week ago when all the truths finally came out- my husband is showing remorse and agreeing to all my terms, much difference than during the false R...he is showing sexual interest in me for the first time in about 2-3 months...he told me before that it was because sex during my pregnancy creeped him out, but now I know it was because his needs were being met by the OW...he has gotten tested for STDs. I'm really conflicted about being with him...on the one hand, it would be nice to feel that connection again, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of getting his needs again so quickly...I am also haunted by mind movies...I don't know what to do

Flatlined123 posted 6/9/2013 16:15 PM

It took me awhile. I'd say like two months or more. I just couldn't, no matter how bad I wanted the closeness and warmth of another body.

I will say, when we finally did, it was like coming home

silverhopes posted 6/9/2013 16:34 PM

Take your time. If you're feeling conflicted, it's OK to take some time before you do anything with him as you sort through your feelings (which will take a long time!). Also it's OK if you wind up being intimate with him, as long as his STD tests are solid and he's keeping you safe.

It sounds like it is really soon out from the final D-Day, and you posted recently that he wanted "closure" with the OW. Did he manage to see the foolishness of that? Has he maintained NC with her? Are they both still at the same workplace? I ask because I hope the A is really, truly over first before you guys are intimate again... It's not right for him to cake-eat with you and trample your heart again. Also, what does he have to say for himself for what he said to you before about pregnancy sex "creeping him out"? Has he apologized for saying that?

jojo42 posted 6/9/2013 17:01 PM

Thank You-
Regarding my post on closure...we spoke about it more and he said he decided the word "closure" is the wrong word, and it seems like what he was more talking about was what's referred on this site as a NC letter. He said he meant he wants to make sure she knew they were over and that he was trying to work things out with me. He said he definitely didnt need or want this to be in person, but by email. We have both agreed that he hold out on that until after we speak to the therapist Tuesday to discuss it and what it should say.

I would say it is necessary because she has texted him a handful of times this weekend, one reminding him how much he hurt her, one picture of herself to taunt him about what he's missing, and then clearly drunk in the middle of the night last night saying she met a guy and was going to have sex with him this morning, she texted apologizing saying "someone else" was texting from her phone...yah, right....the good news is he has shared all of them with me as soon as he got them, erased them right away, and agreed with me that he should ignore them and wait until the no contact letter to address her. Actually, he gave me his phone last night when we went to bed because he said he was worried she would send him a picture of her boobs or something and he didn't want to see them (yah, she's a winner), but she didn't.

We also discussed the whole issue of him not wanting sex with me "because of the pregnancy" a few minutes ago. He says there was very little truth to that, and what it really was was that he felt guilty being with me when he was also being intimate with OW, and that I deserved better than that. He was disgusted by his actions, and he didn't deserve to have me intimately. This made a lot more sense to me. I should mention that he mad the OW get a full STD panel before being intimate with her- so calculated and premeditated! The OW confirmed this to me. He thinks I should be impressed by this, but it just shows that he had so much time to think about it and still went through with it!

Thank you for your support and advice.

seekingtomorrow posted 6/9/2013 17:29 PM

our last D-day was back in October and we are only just rebuilding the intimacy, since it all came out my partner is more into me tan he ever has been but I have found it difficult and have tried to be firm in moving things at my pace. we are now at the pint of having reinitiated that part of our relationship,, but only if I initiate, if he does I struggle with feeling out of control.

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