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seekingtomorrow posted 6/9/2013 17:16 PM

does anybody else's partner work away,,, how do/did you cope with this while trying to recover from infidelity. my hubby works away a lot, he gets put up by the company in nice hotels on some of his jobs, others he camps in the boot of his car, some of the jobs he works on have a lap dancing area and one of them has an onsite campsite for staff and spectators and they have a 24 hours lap dancing club on the camp site. he has been very honest in telling me all this, he could have kept I secret, but I still get very anxious when he's away and tend to be ether overly warm (in a weird clingy way) or rather cold to him when he gets home. hi times away are getting more common and longer as his career improves but whenever he is away I always find myself dwelling on the infidelity, and on how easy it would be to hide I from me now if he wanted to do it again

jo2love posted 6/9/2013 21:59 PM

Bumping in hopes that others that are in this situation will read and give advice.

musiclovingmom posted 6/9/2013 22:07 PM

My H travels out of town frequently. He can be gone overnight or as long as a month. 3/5 of his OW he met up with while out of town (in addition to other women he was in contact with online and trying to meet up with). The first time he had to go after DDay, I freaked. I didn't sleep. I barely ate. I only functioned because I HAD to for our almost 1yr old son. He calls me every night. He sends me pictures of his hotel room. He will FaceTime me live and show me his room. He leaves the laptop at home (though I realize this is completely ridiculous since his phone and iPad both are wireless with video capability), we text frequently when he is unable to talk, he tries to room with someone I know (usually a mutual friend's father). When schedules and finances permit, the kids and I load up and go with him.

Jospehine85 posted 6/9/2013 22:22 PM

My husband travels extensively for work. We skype every evening. He will text me through the day and tell me where he is. Most importantly he does this at the end of the work day.

When he went to the conference where he had his A, he sent me photo texts all day long showing me which meetings he was in.

I also have passwords to everything so I can check emails, his skype, etc.

Could he make up new emails and skype names? Sure, but I am confident he hasn't.

ItsaClimb posted 6/10/2013 02:11 AM

My fWH travels a lot for work and stays in hotels. When he had the affair he told me he was travelling for work, when in fact he didn't need to be away. He slept over at OW's house, but told me he was in a B&B. So him travelling for work is a huge trigger for me.

In the nearly 10 mths since D-Day I have really struggled each time he has slept away from home. A couple of weeks ago I realised I couldn't go on like this - worrying, upset, obsessing, living with a knot in my stomach each time he is away. I realised that if I am going to stay in this marriage then I have to trust him to tell me the truth when he is away - I have to believe him when he says he is alone at the hotel, ordering room-service.

The stressing was doing me no good at all and it wasn't helping our R either. So on that night I made a promise to myself that I would take a leap of faith and trust fWH. I realise that I cannot control him, he could cheat again, but I am CHOOSING to believe him as long as I can see that he is working on his issues, that he is committed and working hard at R and that he is owning his shit. If he cheats on me again I will walk away, I won't even stop to discuss it with him. He knows this and I know this.

For now fWH is totally committed to me. He is doing everything right and in turn I am offering him my trust. fWH knows how hard it is for me when he travels and he does all sorts of things to help e.g he keeps in contact all the time - smsing, IMing, taking photos of things and smsing them to me, phoning me. Most nights we talk on the phone for a couple of hours.

This is working really well for us, but it's still hard!

OnAnIsland posted 6/10/2013 03:37 AM

My WH travels for work, and it was hell when it started up after the A. He was able to avoid travel for a few months, but it really was time for him to travel again.

T/J
I was aware of my husband being with marriedOW on all of their visits- they were not work related- I just thought it was a group of friends together on a short trip- I am *was* that naive. So work trips don't have the trigger of being A sites previously. Work trips just have the potential because she lives a short plane flight away.
End T/J

The first trips I couldn't sleep or doing much of anything. I kept the boys fed, clothes and got them to school and activities, but that was it. Josephine and music loving mom have some great practical ideas which we have also used. Also, I really like having a landline/hotel room phone to call when he should be there. WH also does a great job of keeping me informed of his schedule, his availability and any changes to his schedule. He also schedules his free time with people I know- dinner with friends I have met etc. And when It became clear that he was traveling to the same place repeatedly, I was able to tag along and meet everyone. It would be hard to slip a girlfriend in one of these visits- as everyone has already met his fabulous wife (that is I ) and gorgeous kids. Can you accompany him ever?

But also what it's a climb said- i had to trust him and to trust me. If he is going to cheat again, he will find a way. And I will figure out and be strong enough to leave him.

Now, one more thing- or maybe a few... I don't know what his work is or what his infidelity consisted of. But i am not liking the lapdancing clubs? I would have some really tight boundaries around this stuff. Is a job switch to something less clubby- without lapdances readily available- maybe a company that provides free coffee and doughnuts? Or an Onsite gym instead? Don't mean to be sarcastic or naive, but wow?

Then I don't know how far out you are from d day, but if he does the work and shows he is making changes, is accountable and transparent, etc., it will get easier as you heal.

Thinking of you.

Edited for auto correct

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 3:40 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

seekingtomorrow posted 6/10/2013 04:44 AM

thankyou ladies, its good to know i'm not alone in this. he works for a lot of companies,, hes a self employed contractor of sorts (I have to be really careful what I say as if anyone identified him it could have huge repercussions as he's increasingly in the public eye, partly why I love this site as most of the members seem to be from America and currently he's very much contained to the European market) thankfully only one company offer the lap dancing club and he doesn't do a lot of work wit them, I have asked if we can close our deal with them at the end of the seasons contract, the rest either put him up in the b+b or in their own homes to save costs. he is being good, he understands that I find it hard and if he comes back and im overly clingy he makes the time for me and if im cold he gives me my space, he was very honest with me about the lapdancing club which he could have covered up. when he goes away he has become much better at staying in touch and skypes me daily, somtimes for most of the day/night as he often only has about 3 hours work a day but will be booked in for multiple days strait, he used the exra time to manage other aspects of the business and shos me the work he has done which means I can account for lot of the time he would be sitting alone in the hotel room, he leaves me the contact details of wherever he is staying. when D-day happened he wasn't working away ever really, he often worked late but never away, but he used work as a cover so much, I can't help being aware that really when hes away it would be so easy for something to be happening as he predominantly travels and often stays alone, and everything we put in place would yes make it harder but not actually particularly difficult at all. I suppose im still working up the point of being able to say I completely trust him,,, but I am now at the point where I don't panic and automatically think hes lying and cheating every time hes late home which is a big step.