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I am so not there but I want to be someday.

How do you know it's r?

For me, it was when my FWH was consistently doing everything that I needed him to do, to feel safe with him. He was going to IC, we were going to MC, he was utterly transparent with his electronic devices and was not on any social media at all. He was present when I triggered and did whatever it was that I needed, hugs, talk, apologies, backing off and leaving me alone, at the time. He had to show me by his actions that he was fully committed to R. I didn't even listen to his words at the time just watched what his actions were.

That's what convinced me that we were actively both in R and were committed to it.

Skan is 100% right. My H and I did not have R for about 5 mos after d-day, I wanted it, i was looking hard at what we had hoping it could be considered R but it wasn't at all.

I left and H changed, he finally saw I was serious and said he'd do it all, everything I asked, which I hadn't actually heard before, my requests were always met with defensiveness, changing the subject, making me feel bad for asking, etc. So I did feel a spark of hope when he actually agreed to what I needed.

And yes, it was his actions that reassured me. Rather than keeping his phone close, he'd just hand it to me from time to time, if it rang he'd say "can you answer that plz?" wow, that was huge.

I think that is the biggest clue to true R, that do what you ask of them b/c they want you to feel better. MC didn't work out for us but at that point he went, I knew he hated it but I asked so he went. He read the books I gave him, he hated it but he did it. So it's not about WS figuring out how to fix the marriage or suddenly they do all this stuff on their own, imo, its that when you ask something directly they say ok and do it.