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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/9/2013 18:42 PM

In your head, that is.

There is no hope for this relationship. And I believe it was NIK who said that loss of hope, is actually a blessing. It stops the hurt. WH has found a way to make it my fault...what I'm not willing to do for us, what my boundaries are, how I feel and how wrong it is. For a moment I wondered, what if I did it his way? And really the only reason left I think it is because of the kids. So I thought out that idea in my head and it went like this:

Ok, WH...you win. We are going to do this this your way. I will never mention again how much your job triggers, scares, and hurts me. You can stay there where OW is. And I will never ask you to support me when I'm scared. Because you can't handle the stress and I know that any stress makes it difficult for you to love me and show compassion. And I will not get angry at what you have done and how you have treated me. Because even if it is once every six months, you don't want to be reminded. Because if you are reminded, then you'll get mad and our reconciliation will go no where. I see how it's all my fault that I started it. And I promise to make sure you are ok everyday and hold in every single thing I feel until YOU are ready because I know that it makes everything else so difficult for you to handle. And even though you have not proven to me otherwise, I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt and hide away my hurt if you repeatedly do the same things that hurt me over and over. Because we can't live in the past. I promise to tell you I'm sad, but never show it because you're idea of how long or just how in general is different than mine.

Yeah...that got that idea out of my head quickly. And just how horrible he is to me. I'm so glad I thought it out.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:40 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]

MyReturn2Me posted 6/9/2013 19:26 PM

yeah, f.t.g.

nowiknow23 posted 6/9/2013 20:19 PM

You know you've got the right answer when walking through the alternative gets you right back to the beginning.

(((((TCD))))) You're doing great, honey.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/9/2013 20:55 PM

It certainly takes a while for us to let our heads do the thinking instead of our hearts. You've been so strong.

Big hugs.. (((((TCD)))))

trebleclef posted 6/10/2013 04:39 AM

Great work TCD!

Second thoughts are coming less and less but Ive had some bad bouts. What saved me was a document that I made up concerning my decision, with a promise to myself that I would NOT change my mind unless something cataclysmic happened that was evident to all the people who care about me. Dated and signed.

I actually let myself in to the marital house one diabolically lonely night and stood outside his bedroom door for half an hour, hand on knob, debating. In the end, my promise to myself, in writing, saved me. I left - he never knew I had been there.

SBB posted 6/10/2013 06:02 AM

Exactly right my friend. That is exactly the path of False R I found myself on.

I remember finding it harder and harder to keep lying to myself.

I also found it harder and harder to forgive myself for staying.

I knew I was rugsweeping as hard as he was - hope and fear had me holding on with my bare teeth.

His total lack of remorse was a gift - had he continued to fake it I might have endured several more years of False R and several more DDs.

UnsettledOne posted 6/10/2013 06:47 AM

((TCD)) it takes time and unfortunately severe pain before we come to understand the never ending circle can only be broken by our choice to change it.

Making a choice due to someones lack of personal character becomes a matter of survival

Sounds like wisdom is overtaking fear.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/10/2013 08:18 AM

I do feel stronger about myself. And the only doubt about divorcing that creeps in my head is when I think of the kids. But no doubt is coming from how I feel about what has happened.

However, I have this feeling, deep down, and I can't really put my finger on what's going to happen with it. It's sadness, anger, frustration, hurt...all the things we feel about being betrayed. But it feels very cloaked...almost like if you plug your ears and everything is muffled. So I can't tell if its something that is bubbling up and one day I will have a breakdown. Or maybe it's just all those feelings dissipating now that I've really opened my eyes to who he is. I know I'm on a different roller coaster now and I'm scared for the next low and these feelings to burst. Maybe I will...maybe I won't...it's a really odd feeling.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/10/2013 08:48 AM

I found that the feeling that you just described was how I felt when my *hope* faded. And yes, it is odd and unsettling....

Take2 posted 6/10/2013 09:09 AM

It's sadness, anger, frustration, hurt...all the things we feel about being betrayed. But it feels very cloaked.

I think this may be due to a lack of a sense of justice and closure. The above is a good description of what I felt as I began NC and proceeded with the D. Once my mind was set, I knew my course - but the emotions clung, like toxins, they were dug in and clinging deep down in hidden places. They need time to dissolve, to be pushed out, to be carried off and shed.

I never got to have "my say", to scream, yell, cry...
I could have, but that would have meant engaging with him, and he twisted everything, or tried to wrangle it into R on his terms (again much as you describe). It would not have been productive, and would likely have bitten me on the ass.

I think the best advice I got was to do something physical for the anger and to start filling your life with good things, for the pain...

I've had breakdowns here and there, but I knew they'd pass even as I was going through them. You got to go through it to get through it... ((TCD))

[This message edited by Take2 at 9:12 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/10/2013 09:24 AM

Gonnabe and Take - I think it's a combination of what the two of you said. I find myself being less emotional about it all and I think it's acceptance. But not in a sad way...but a moving on way. And there hasn't been justice or closure. He hasn't fought for me. He has only fought for himself. He sees me moving on and I don't know if he isn't doing anything because he truly doesn't care, if he truly believes that I will "see the errors of my ways," or if he just waiting for me to want him again.