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Newest Member: Betrayedheart826 (61835)

User Topic: low sexual drive
♀ 39493
Member # 39493
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been over a year 3/34/12 since d-day and and almost a year since my H and I have been working on rebuilding our marriage. He has been wonderful. He is supportive, comforting, loving, sweet,extremely sorry and hurt by his actions, etc. I feel he has earned my trust back, but I am still deeply hurt inside and this has caused me to feel very uncomfortable in any sexual related activity that happens between us. As a result we rarely are intimate beyond kissing. My H says he understands and is not upset by my lack of sexual drive, but I am not ok with it. I want to feel comfortable around my husband again, but I just dont know how or what to do to make that happen.

Does anyone have any suggestions or is anyone else in the same boat? Thanks

let your past make you better not bitter.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 18158
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in a similar boat. I have always had lower than my H tho, but the A added so many new layers of issues around sex.

First I had to pinpoint what my issues were. For me there were several I had to work thru one at a time. For awhile it was the feeling of being compared to the OW, I hated feeling like I was in some sort of competition ( it was in my head but it felt real ) talking it over with my H didn't help b/c of course he denied it and I didn't believe him. What ended it helping was talking to my IC about it and journaling about it. Ultimately I had to shift my perspective, I knew the OW but I think my view applies to most AP, it's not real, they put on an act to elicit a response. So if I wanted to I could put on the most awesome act ever, I'm capable but I don't want to live like that, I don't want to almost trick my H into thinking I'm some sex goddess, so I decided I would be ok with being who I am, maybe I'm not whatever she was in that department but I'm better b/c I'm me and I'm honest and I"m real. I can live with that. So that helped.

Mind movies, I had to power thru that. I'd would let my H know what might happen and I explained why and I asked him to just hold me and be there for me. He did and that helped. Ultimately I knew that we had committed to R so I had to get to a point where I didn't cry the whole time, it wasn't good for either of us. For sure, time helped b/c as H did kind things and was supportive I was able to focus on those good things and keep my mind away from the bad during that time.

the last thing I can think of was resentment, a part of me felt like he didn't deserve to get me, like he could treat me so badly and as a reward he gets to have sex! That was tough. I think that is part of the bigger issue of R, I think many of us have some issues with giving them a chance after what they have done and we have to make peace with that in our own way. for me it always comes down to I want to be married to my H, I love him and if he is treating me kindly and respectfully and lovingly then I will stay. He used up every chance he will ever get from me with his A.

I guess the summary is fixing our sex lives after A is going to take work on both of your parts, I don't think it can just fix itself. Pinpoint where the exact issues lie and then do the work, with your H and probably your IC, to work through the issues one at a time.

Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 2

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