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The first day of R

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stilltrying2025 posted 6/9/2013 21:10 PM

Me and WH went on a date last night; first time we have done anything together in over a month. We kept the conversation pretty light at first but on our way back to my apartment we talked a little more indepth. I asked him if there was any "spark" for him and he said yes. I told him I also felt something being together. I asked if he wanted to make our marriage work and he said "Yes, I do". So, I laid out my first 2 deal breakers for him. 1. NC with OW and 2. NC with a couple of my so-called "friends". He agreed to both of them. I also see the phone bill and know there has been no contact with any of these 3 people since the first weekend I moved out of the house which is a little over 3 weeks ago. We also talked and know that we will eventually need to get into some really deep conversations which scares the hell out of me. But, I can't move forward completely until my questions are answered and truthfully.

My questions are: What are the first steps to having a successful R? We both agreed to take things slow; keep things light for a little while and just get to know each other again. When will I know when the right time is to bring up these deep dark questions I have? It takes all I have to keep my mouth shut (I'm well known for speaking my mind!)

Any advice?

NoraLee posted 6/10/2013 01:00 AM

I think the first steps are NC, honesty and transparency. Whatever you need to feel safe to start the R process. My H brought home receipts, took pics and texted them to prove where he was, gave me access to his phone and even activated findmyiphone so I could track his location (he wasn't totally keen on that one and even "tattled" on me to our MC - lol - but MC asked him - is there any reason you wouldn't want your wife to know where you are? - and he installed it that night!)

I would suggest writing out your questions and tackling as many as you can handle at a time. Don't wait to ask. The answers and the honesty is more important than rekindling romance. If he can't handle the tough parts now, it won't get easier with time...and it'll lead to rug sweeping.

R is hard work. It is painful. But the only way to get over it is through it. Good luck Still - I'm glad he's coming around!

Heavy Sigh posted 6/10/2013 01:31 AM

Advice I read elsewhere that might be helpful: Talk TO each other instead of talk about 'THE' relationship 'THE' marriage or 'THE' reconciliation, since some couples talk about 'THE marriage' as if it is a thing apart from both of you.

State what you want, bottom-line. Example: "WS, if you have any compassion at all, you will not put me through trying a reconciliation if you're not truly sincere and are only doing this to keep your options open just in case you need a fallback. If that's all this is, making me a half-hearted Plan B, then I would prefer we not put each other through this.'

I think that all of our rules and stipulations etc mainly get down to this; Figuring out if they are sincere, and not knowing how to ask in a way they might give serious answers instead of a glib 'of course i am.. of course i'm ready for what this means' that they don't truly mean.

Also ask yourself this: Reading a lot of male chat boards, all they talk about is wanting more sex and having more fun and being admired. The guys whining about their marriages on these boards (or why they divorced) don't talk a lot about the other things that make up relationships - just sex and angry that wife made them fall out of love with her and didn't have sex enough or dress up for them enough instead of wear sweatpants at home - and seem angry if a wife has difficulty getting warmed up again sexually, or resentful if the wife is being cautious and not a cheery party girl of fun when getting through a rough patch. So ask him what he expects of reconciliation or how he sees it or what he wants your marriage to be or how different he wants it than it was before.

So also ask yourself if you think that is the only kind of reconciliation he wants - to get more sex, and isn't interested in emotional work, but mainly is trying because he doesn't like burning bridges or cutting off all options, or he's dragging it out to cake-eat longer, or if he really is sincere and has a picture in his head of how the two of you can live together and be a committed couple.


So ask him what he would define as reconciliation, and how your days might be if you were together again - how the mornings or weekends would be, in arranging activities or time? you might have different ideas of what that means. So, talk TO him and ask him.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 1:40 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

stilltrying2025 posted 6/10/2013 06:24 AM

Thank you for your responses! I've thought a lot about what each of you are saying and have written down some of my questions; even the scary ones that I'm not sure I want the answers to! The actual test is going to be how much he contacts me throughout the week. If he really doesn't talk to me then I'll know it's not true R. I mean, honestly, if he could text a "friend" almost daily, couldn't he do that to his "new girlfriend"? That's how I feel right now, like the "new girlfriend". He is the most unemotional person I've ever met (to me anyway) so I don't know what he will do. I know if I say "you need to prove to me that you love me" he'll just say "how am I supposed to do that". Very frustrating!

I'm just going to take this day by day, keep breathing and not holding my breath and not wishing and wanting him to contact me. It's going to be hard but nothing about this separation has been easy so I should be used to it.

Just asking that everyone keep their fingers crossed and say an extra prayer for me! I really, really, REALLY want my marriage to work but it's going to be up to him and I hate not having control!

cpacan posted 6/10/2013 08:01 AM

Have him answer your questions in the form of a written timeline. A lot of BS and truly remorsefull WS get a lot from written timelines.

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