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Is it a boundary issue??

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EmotionalFool posted 6/10/2013 04:29 AM

I have a group of school friends.. all girls.. itís a group of 4 girls including myself .. lets call them X, Y, EF and Z.

I was friends with Z. X and Y were friends since they were 5 yrs old. I did some extra curricular activities with X and Y. So I started getting along with them really well. They started asking me to join them for various things and Z tagged along with me initially.
X and Y liked me but they din get along well with Z. Everybody was aware of this situation.

Years passed and it so happens that X and Y keep in touch with me a lot. And I keep with touch with Z. (Z is the one whom I confided in with my current situation. She has been very supportive)

So.. I keep in touch with X, Y and Z individually. But whenever there is a group activity X, Y include me and not Z. We just wont share some deteails with Z at all. I just figured well everybody is aware of the situation and I couldnít really force them to be friends with each other. I was always uncomfortable with this whole situation but din really know how to handle it.

Today itself I encountered another situation where X and Y formed a group and included me. Z is not aware of this. I am getting really tired of this. I donít wanna do this anymore. When I look at it, it again feels like A behavior where I am holding onto 2 things.. I donít know maybe I m overthinking or may be not.

I donít wanna hurt anybody but at the same time I donít wanna be in a situation where I have to hide something from my friends ..

Sometime back I had a discussion with IC. It turns out I never really did allow myself to have corrective experiences. I would try to guess who will like what and I will behave accordingly. Its so depressing to even admit this. I am honestly clueless how to handle this.

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 4:33 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

KBeguile posted 6/10/2013 06:55 AM

Do you enjoy spending time with X and Y apart from Z? Or does that make you feel uncomfortable?

I think that answers 95% of your questions right there.

wifehad5 posted 6/10/2013 08:11 AM

What does Z think of X and Y? Is there a reason you need to include Z when you spend time with X and Y?

MystiKay posted 6/10/2013 08:36 AM

There is no reason your friends have to get along and like each other. It is okay to have friends that are into different things and hobbies.

It is only secret if you make it. If X and Y want to go out and don't include Z just do something with Z the next day or later.

or. "I can't go out to lunch, I have other plans..how about we meet for coffee at 5?"

Unagie posted 6/10/2013 08:43 AM

I don't understand why your friends not getting along is an issue. Plenty of people have different sets of friends that don't have to interact. My two BFF's are aware of each other but I hang out with them one at a time. If its about keeping secrets then why can't you tell Z about hanging out with X and Y? If they're not friends I don't see why it would be an issue.

EmotionalFool posted 6/10/2013 08:56 AM

Hmm.. I see the point ..

Maybe I just need to be ok with them not getting along .. sometimes I hide things thinking it might hurt the other person. I guess thatís my issue more than anybody else.

I am reevaluating all the relationships in my life.. I have never fel so uncomfortable in my own skinÖ ugggggghhhh.. this sucks

badchoice posted 6/10/2013 11:05 AM

EF,

Have you looked into codependency? It sounds to me like you are trying to take care of 'Z's' feelings, and manage who she is friends with.

Unless X and Y are being hateful towards Z or talking about her behind her back, there is no reason that you should feel uncomfortable spending time with different groups of friends.

I do relate to this though. At times in my life, I would feel uncomfortable doing things with groups of friends if I felt that other friends were 'left out'. The reality is that the feelings of guilt I was feeling, was all me. It had nothing to do with the friends that were left out. It was me feeling like if I didn't do the right thing, that no one would like me. Again, I was looking for all kinds of external validation.

Is that what you are feeling? Guilty if Z doesn't get included in activities?

knightsbff posted 6/10/2013 11:57 AM

I'm watching this thread with interest. I have also felt like I was "cheating" on my friends by doing things with other friends.

badchoice posted 6/10/2013 13:51 PM

I have also felt like I was "cheating" on my friends by doing things with other friends.

That is exactly what I was trying to say, just couldn't get it out so clearly.

Kbff - you said it in one sentence.

I have spoken to my IC about it, and she feels that it is me just wanting to be liked by everyone. The thought of someone not likely me was so hard to bear - yet, my BW seemed not to factor into this equation with what I was doing. But, I am seeing that it was because I was so worried about my outside image. What others thought of me. I just didn't have the self esteem to value myself.

KBeguile posted 6/11/2013 07:34 AM

badchoice said:

I have spoken to my IC about it, and she feels that it is me just wanting to be liked by everyone. The thought of someone not likely me was so hard to bear - yet, my BW seemed not to factor into this equation with what I was doing. But, I am seeing that it was because I was so worried about my outside image. What others thought of me. I just didn't have the self esteem to value myself.

I'm going to paraphrase Yoda here, because I think it's appropriate:

"Low Self-Esteem" leads to "Needing External Validation."
"Needing External Validation" leads to "Wanting to be liked by everyone."
"Wanting to be liked by everyone" leads to As.

The easiest thing to do is to work on the "Wanting to be liked by everyone," because the others are much deeper issues which will take more time and effort to fulfill. You can start work on them, but the "Wanting to be liked by everyone" will have the quickest observable results.

Boundaries help with all of this. Have you worked on boundaries, EF?

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