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what to expect from ws

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Beautifulmom posted 6/10/2013 07:32 AM

Quick background: my (ex)bff and my wh carried on an affair for 3 years (I think). When I say bff, I mean bff...maid of honor, neighbor, spent holidays and vacations with her family. Her mom always told me I was family. Fast forward to now, 7 months post dday. I thought her mom would have guessed what happened. She noticed when both my wh and bff canceled their fb accts at the same time. She noticed that her son in law and I dropped weight like crazy. She noticed that we all cut off contact abruptly.
I saw her mom at a recital this weekend. She told her mom that I unjustly got jealous of her spending time with my wh, so we are not friends anymore. Like it is my fault and my wrongdoing. This hurts Bc she has been like a mom to me, and not only do I have to go through this hell for the rest of my life but I am being made to look like a crazy jealous wife too? For the record, I should have stepped in with their behavior 2 years ago, so this accusation to save her selfish ass is a slap in the face.
her mom now sends messages and facenook posts to my wh only. I told him what my exbff told her mom and he said, "oh, that's messed up." He knows I'm upset about it.
Is is wrong for me to think the right thing for him to do would be to tell her mom the truth? To out himself to save my reputation?

cpacan posted 6/10/2013 07:54 AM

Exposure should have been done emediatly post D-day IMO, since this is likely to happen if you don't.

Faced with this situation; I think I would expose it myself, explain what happened and that you are in the process of rebuilding.

You may also have your husband write to her, but I would make sure to se it before he sends it.

WhatsRight posted 6/10/2013 08:05 AM

It sounds to me like its not your reputation as much as your relationship with this woman that is important to you.

I am not a person who is out for revenge. Everyone thinks my husband is FABULOUS. I live my life in his shadow. But I have told noone. Out of loyalty to him - just because he hurt me doesn't mean I should hurt him. I guess a lot of it is loyalty to my own standards, too.

But this doesn't sound like revenge to me. It sounds like you want someone whos opinion you value - to know what really happened.

I have always believed that to not respond to false accusations is like validating them.

Sorry for your situation.

callmecrazy posted 6/10/2013 08:47 AM

As a married person, if a wife is "jealous of how much time I'm spending with her H" an alarm goes off. Why are you w her husband and not w her, or w your H. Even if you are friends, its a group thing not a switch spouse thing.
I think her mom is trying out denial bc she doesnt want to accept what her daughter did. Hurtful for you bc of the close relationship, but this is a blood is thicker than water thing I would guess.

Id want WH to say something if she keeps up sending him messages (maybe deep down she wants it confirmed??). I just find her behavior odd.

confused615 posted 6/10/2013 09:14 AM

You and her mom are I think you should be the one to tell her what her DD did with your WH. If it were me,I would stop by for a visit and tell her you felt she deserved the truth,and that you feel you have been shit on enough. Present the facts,along with a few emails or texts that you have as evidence(a copy),so she knows you're not a "jealous wife." Don't insult her DD..her instinct will be to defend her child. But lay the facts out for her.

I understand having your WH talk with your family,but this woman is your exBFF's mom...unless he has a close relationship with the mom,I think it should come from you.

silverhopes posted 6/10/2013 09:17 AM

I don't think it would be a bad thing to tell her or to have your H tell her. Though I think either you should tell her or else send a letter together from you and your H (I think the second one is better). Also - do you feel comfortable with her writing to your H? She's the OW's mother - what does she write to your H about? If it's about the OW, is that somewhat breaking mental NC?

LA44 posted 6/10/2013 09:24 AM

What silverhopes said.

I would definitely ask your H to write the letter and you both sign it. Keep it short and keep it kind.

I have read some of your other notes and you don't read as a vengeful person.

I also don't like Ow's mom writing your H tho bc every time she does its a reminder of her and the A.

Beautifulmom posted 6/10/2013 19:51 PM

Thanks guys. My wh was a stay at home dad with myexbff. Her mom was over a lot and saw him as family too. The thing is, we are friends with her brother and sister in law too. Her brother is a marine like my wh, and my wh will visit them when he goes out of town to the base they live near. So it's a loyalty thing v a pride thing. Why should I look bad in any way after what they have done to me? But revealing whet my wh and exbff have done...this lady takes that type of thing very seriously. She might look the other way after a long med silence with her daughter, but I'm fairely sure she will not forgive my wh. Is it worth it? Idk. It does feel a little unloyal on my part. But I would really like my wh to offer to be chivalrous and put my needs above his cowardice. I'm tired of feeling like he is protecting himself (and her) above all else. And I do feel like I want them both to have to hurt and feel consequences for once in this while thing. Which, I suppose, is revenge.

NoraLee posted 6/10/2013 22:07 PM

You're asking your H to be authentic. To be honest - no lies of admission. The fact that Fbff threw you under the bus to save herself ON TOP of everything else she did...puke.

If there are consequences as a result of his bad choices and betrayal - well that's just part of learning life's lessons.

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