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Is WH looking for next A?!

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Caldwell posted 6/10/2013 08:02 AM

I hope it is legit to have 2 posts here in a row. I am in a rough patch right now.

In WH's newish job that he took to separate from OW, he recently thought he would "be honest" and tell me that a female co-worker invaded his personal space and he thought perhaps she was coming on to him.

I call it wishful thinking.

He shared this after he had had quite a few drinks, or I doubt it would've come out.

I looked this woman up on Facebook, and there is no way she would put the move on WH. I can't mention why in case he ever sees this somehow, but, trust me, his 2 OW were with him to get raises.....which they did. Lets just say he is not someone this gal would even notice right now.He doesn't have the authority to help this one get ahead.

I think it is more a case of HE found himself attracted to HER. My gut rarely leads me astray. I wish I'd trusted my intuition more all these years. To me, someone truly in R isn't even attuned to the opposite sex this early in the restoration process!

So why would someone in R with their wife even SAY this to his obviously wounded wife?!

If he is subconsciously looking for #3, I am done. My counselor told me: one affair...mistake, 2 affairs...perhaps a problem....3 affairs...divorce, because it is pathological.

dameia posted 6/10/2013 09:22 AM

I think it's a good sign that he told you, although it is disturbing that he only told you after he had a few drinks. It would have been better had he just come home and let you know immediately.

Maybe he does find her attractive. I actually don't think that's a huge issue, as long as he has firm boundaries in place.

I think it is natural that people in a M will find people outside of their M attractive. There's a guy who I see around our neighborhood sometimes who is, frankly, very attractive. I don't fantasize about him, or even talk to him. I just think when I see him, "Well hello there!" And then I drive on past and that's the end of it.

So if he did find her attractive, is that a dealbreaker for you or is him acting on the attraction the more important part?

I will add that it probably hurt your feelings to hear him say something like that. That is perfectly understandable. Before DDay, I really didn't care if my WH told me about an attractive new colleague, neighbor, etc. After DDay, your confidence is shot and it's just another blow to the self-esteem. So I can totally understand that.

Wait and watch. Hopefully this will be nothing.

mepe27 posted 6/10/2013 09:32 AM

Just from what you wrote, I think your gut is right in at least that he has an issue with seeking attention/wanting attention from women. I don't know that he's looking for an A, at least not conciously. I think this is one of the underlying issues of R that needs to be addressed by the WS why did they have an A in the first place? Marriage troubles, stress, wanting sex, etc don't lead to an A, those things exsist for everyone and something is different about a WS that an affair appears to be the answer. My guess is your H is insecure in some area and getting attention from women builds up his ego a little bit, enough that he feels better about himself for awhile and that is a slippery slope right there.

personally I would try to watch this for a bit, on the slight chance that he is trying to do the right thing by telling you ( although he loses credit for being drunk when he did )
I would watch his phone, watch his fb, ask about the woman from time to time see how he reacts when you bring it up "hey how has female co-worker been since you rebuffed her advances?"
and trust your gut, if he seems to be falling into old patterns, you can call him out and I think his response would tell you whether D was your next step.

I will say that with my there was some time of adjustment after R. My H had female friendships forever and he was flirty with people, but it all had to end after d-day, I couldn't trust him of course. So he struggled trying to figure out how to change his behavior, he was either mean or flirty he seriously didn't have an in between for awhile he had to practice and learn how to be different. I actually would tell him what to say sometimes, I'd have to give him a way to say something that wasn't mean but let people know he couldn't have lunch with them alone. So that is why I say watch and see if he's in that weird transition or actually just going business as usual with no intent to change.

Pudding posted 6/12/2013 02:34 AM

I think it sounds positive.

He is aware that he has overstepped boundaries in the past. Maybe then, he didn't see it like this. Now he is aware of boundaries and is probably over-compensating. When out, he has a heightened sense of "is this a boundary or not?" And he is maybe seeing things whee they are not.

I think this is good. He is trying to be aware (this is a big change for someone who has been used to crossing boundaries or ignoring them). He is also trying to be open and honest with you. He may not have got it quite right yet, but he is trying. That is good.

You may need to have a talk with him about boundaries and how to handle them and ow to handle someone stepping over them. He may have se the barrier too high a first, but tha s good too.

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