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Babygirl6 posted 6/10/2013 08:20 AM

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My husband of 30 years is having an affair with our neighbor/my friend/. She is also the mother of our children's best friends-in fact our sons are roomates. They had an emotional affair for 4 years. My husand worked from home and she was a stay at home mom. I went to work evrey day not knowing what was going on in my own house. She and her usband separated and eventually divorced in Jan. 2011. She sold her house and moved to a near by town in August of 2011. that is when the physical aaffair started. I suspected and started asking questions that fall and of course, he said nothing was going on. He eventually confessed 7/2/2012. We have stayed together but it is not working for hi. He says she is his soulmate/best friend and lover. not me. He is seeing a conselor and will not go to couples therapy because he is not sure if he can commit to our marriage. We have decided to separate in 4 weeks after our family vacation. We will tell our children then. He says he needs to do this to see if he wants to stay with me. I know in my heart that he will go to her. I am in a state of severe depression. I cannot stop obsessing orcrying. I am making an appointment today to see a therapist. Any tips on how to manage my day to day life?

Ladyogilvy posted 6/10/2013 08:55 AM

The first thing is to stay hydrated and nourished anyway you can. After that I would proceed as if divorce is imminent and see a lawyer, protect assets.

The good news is, if you still want he lying, cheating @$$, if he does move in with OW, he will stop seeing the fantasy woman he's been courting all this time. He will see the IRL woman, in her day to day non-fantasy life with non-fantasy problems. These relationships rarely work out in the end.

Edited to add, the mere fact that she is a home wrecker makes her gutter sucking slime unworthy of the respect of any man. The fact that he would betray his wife of 30 years makes him a man she can't trust. Those things alone are plenty to doom a relationship.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 8:58 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

James518 posted 6/10/2013 08:56 AM

I have been married 30 yrs also. Just found out about my wife's affair. I am devasted and depressed as well. I have no advice for you. Only words to say you are not alone. There are way too many of us going through this awful process. I hope things turn out the way you want/ need them too.

putonahappyface posted 6/10/2013 09:13 AM

I, personally, would not go on vacation with him. It sounds like a job interview, where you're going to be on pins & needles & worried about the outcome the entire time. He needs to see & feel what life without you & the kids is going to be like, starting now, with this vacation! Maybe he can have a "work crisis" or a family issue that he needs to stay home & deal with, but I would not allow him to go.

As hundreds have said on here, you cannot "love" him back, "nice" him back or "vacation" him back into the M. He wants to be a cake eater. It's time for some shock & awe, starting with the words "you're not invited on our family vacation." He thinks he wants the OW...well let the reality of what that really means start right now.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this after 30 years. You deserve better. Focus on you & your kids. If he comes crawling back, begging for another chance, then you can decide (after he's done the hard work of figuring out what in him is broken) if you still want him. Sending you hugs & prayers. Be strong!

1Faith posted 6/10/2013 09:19 AM

Sorry you are here but I agree with puton

I would not go on vacation with him unless he commits to stop the affair, have NC and commit to MC with you.

You will be miserable trying to "win" him over or back and that this so unfair to you and your children.

One last hurrah before he goes and starts his other life? Parting gift to you and your kids. What an egomaniac.

Do you really want to drop this information in the lap of your kids on vacation? You will take something "special" and make it into one of the most devastating memories they have. Think about that, please.

Please see an IC and perhaps a medical doctor for your depression. This information is brutal and you need to take all the help you can get.

Look up the 180 in the healing library. It is very hard but you have to start detaching. He is treating you as an option and this is completely selfish.

I am so sorry for your pain. Please know we are all rooting for you.

One day at a time. Keep moving.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:21 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

travels posted 6/10/2013 09:21 AM

Take one day at a time. When that seems like too much, get through one moment at a time. You will get through this, even when it seems like you won't, you will. One painful step at a time.

I agree with not going on vacation with him. You will be miserable the entire time watching him making phone calls and texting.

Read the Healing Library. The link is on the left side of the page. There is tons of useful information there.

I suggest you attempt to 180 him. It is really hard. I wish I had known about the 180 when I was going through my situation. I did the exact opposite and didn't help myself at all.

Hugs

Jospehine85 posted 6/10/2013 11:32 AM

You have allowed him to cake eat. He has maintained his relationship with OW while he has been married to you.

Your upcoming separation is allowing him to continue to cake eat. He is asking you to be back up plan B incase his fun with OW doesn't pan out.

Do you want to put your life on hold until he decides whether or not OW is fun enough to spend the rest of his life with her? What if he decides to keep you as back up for years?

You need to get strong. Stand up for yourself. Tell him no vacation. Don't go. That is ridiculous.

Right now he is not committed to you. He is in a relationship with another woman, why should you go on vacation and play family for his benefit? You do not owe him that.

Next tell him that either he goes completely NC with OW today or you file for D tomorrow.

twodoves posted 6/10/2013 12:32 PM

Affairs are completely fantasy relationships.

I like the way the movie High Fidelity explains it.

The main character talks about when you start seeing someone, and you always seem them looking their best, and he only ever sees his girlfriends cute sexy underwear. Then you move in together and experience real life. Not just the cute panties anymore, but the big white comfy undies with the worn elastic. You see everything about the person and not just what they put on display, you know?

It's a lot easier to have a 'perfect' relationship with someone when you're not dealing with the every day of taking care if the kids, taking care of the house, paying the bills, all the things that make up real life.

Seeing a therapist will definitely help. The first couple of steps are the hardest. Right now, just try taking things hour by hour. You've been through a lot.

((Babygirl6))

Skan posted 6/10/2013 16:31 PM

He cant' make up his mind? Then make it up for him. Toss his clothing in hefty bags, put it out on your lawn, call the OW and tell her that he's all hers, and then tell him that he's moving to her house, she's already been notified, and is eagerly awaiting him. Then take your children on vacation.

There is absolutely no reason for you to delay. All it will do is cause YOU pain. If he wants to be free and to be with his "soulless mate," then set him free. I think that he'll wake up pretty quickly. If not, then you will have saved yourself some heartache in the months to come.

An appointment for a therapist is great. However, you also need to see a lawyer ASAP before he starts spending you and your children's assets on his Lurve. (((hugs)))

heartache101 posted 6/10/2013 16:50 PM

Babygirl
Kick him to the curb...
If he doesn't know he wants you after 30 years well pack his crap and let him face reality without ya!!

I will be married 30 years this year and I know it will be hard but I also know you can do it!! So go see a lawyer tell him if he can not commit then fine. You can separate and he can go live his life with the ho!
Like everyone here says in the light of day it won't last!

traditoperanni posted 6/10/2013 16:57 PM

AFter 30 years he can't make up his mind?WTF? Do you really want to on vacation with this man? He is in a fog. Instead of him going on vacation tell him to stay away and you and the kids are going without him. Serve him with papers for D before you go. Tell your kids why they are not going on vacation without Dad. 180 him immediately.
Throw his stuff on the lawn.
Then let him know that it's you that will determine if you want to be married to his cheating ass.
See a therapist but definitely see a lawyer first.
It's time to take control. You can do it.

painpaingoaway posted 6/10/2013 17:02 PM

Oh honey I am so sorry.

What a filthy fucking pig he is.

And the whore? OH MY GOD! She is trash. He is trash.

PUT OUT THE TRASH!!!

Hefty bag his shit TODAY, change the locks and SEE A LAWYER!

kernel posted 6/10/2013 19:31 PM

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you're dealing with the crap that brought you here.

Do you want to put your life on hold until he decides whether or not OW is fun enough to spend the rest of his life with her? What if he decides to keep you as back up for years?

Please seriously consider this quote. Stop letting him decide YOUR life. YOU get a say-so in this. Your wants and needs matter - stand up for them.

Think about what you are dreading the most. Losing your husband? That's happened already - he has detached. People finding out the truth? They will very soon because your WH and the OW will be telling everyone how happy they are and how they are soulmates.

My advice is to get out in front of this disgusting plan of his and strike first. Take control of YOUR life and stop letting him decide how everything is going to happen. Protect yourself and your kids by seeing a lawyer (biggest shark you can find). Find your anger, sweetie, and use it to move forward. It will also help tremendously if you have friends or family members to support you. They can help you see how much you matter and support you when you're struggling.

I know it's hard, and you just have to live in the moment until you can get through a day, then a week and so on. Please know that you matter - to your kids, your family and your friends. Stop letting him treat you like you don't.

((Babygirl6))