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The lies continue

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James518 posted 6/10/2013 08:51 AM

My wife suffers from severe depression and narcissitic personality disorder . She has zero self esteem . She has been pushing me away for years. Constant Critisism and yelling. I never ever cheated on her. Last summer it started, hiding cell phone, deleting texts, coming home late. One morning I found her in a park in another mans car, she is 50, he is 70. She told me I don't trust her, that they are just friends, I did not believe her, she told me she did nothing wrong. We ended up going to counseling. The counselor said it was an emotional affair, that was hard to deal with, I told her I needed him out of her life, for good. She agreed, but he keeps dropping by her work and she kept that from me. Finally she confessed it was more, only heavy petting, no intercourse, and it only happened 2-3 times, 2 days later it was 8 times. She told me she won't answer anymore of my questions, that she is moving out for me. I told her that I want her to stay ( I know, I'm a putz) I told her I need her to help me heal. She says she is not going to put herself through it again, by reliving it, everyday more lies are exposed. I know the marriage should end, we have been married 30 years and still have one son at home, he is 13. I don't know why, but I still love her. I need advice. I am lost.

1Faith posted 6/10/2013 09:11 AM

Dear James

So sorry you find yourself here. SI is full of really wonderful people that have been through the hell of infidelity. Keep posting and keep reading. Please head to the Healing Library. A lot of great information as you begin to wrap your head around all of this.

I recommend contacting an IC immediately - get your thoughts together - FOR YOU.

You can't nice her or love her into staying.

You are hurt and in shock and understandably so. But right now you need to take action to protect yourself and your son.

Go see an attorney to know your rights. Knowledge is power.

If any reconciliation is possible your wife has to be in it for the right reasons. Right now she is not.

Try and take care. Eat, sleep and exercise. This information takes a toll on the body, mind and soul.

Know that you will make it through one way or another. The road is long and hard but you will come out the other side.

Sending healthy hugs.

Pass posted 6/10/2013 09:29 AM

You're not a putz, James. You are in love with your wife; it just so happens that she doesn't deserve your love at the moment. She has had lots of time to get used to the idea of mistreating you, because she made the decision and started doing it a while ago. You found out recently, so you are just starting in your journey.

She did this because she is broken, not because of any faults you may have.

Please take care of yourself.

simplydevastated posted 6/10/2013 09:46 AM


Please do not let her put any of this on you. Every marriage has issues, sure. The married couple owns those issues equally; however, her affair is hers to own alone. It is all her 100%. She will come back at you and blame you, she will re-write your history together. This will all be done to justify her affair, so she can look like she was pushed into it.

She is not remorseful and the only way a marriage can work is if the WS is remorseful, sees the damage and pain they've caused and tries their best to do all the hard work necessary.

It sounds like she has moved onto Fantasy Island and is completely happy there, I'm sorry to say.

You're early on in your discover. Right now, I would say try to take time to do things for yourself and your son. I know how hard that is going to be, but try it. Read up on the 180, it can be found in the healing library in the yellow box in the upper left corner. It will help you.

I'm sorry you find yourself, but you're in the right place.

Sending (((hugs))) and strength.

Post often, it helps.

hatefulnow posted 6/10/2013 12:11 PM

30 years is a long time to toss away, so no one will blame you for trying to stick it out. The best way to end a affair is to get THEM to want to end it. The best way to do that is exposure. At 70 years old he probably has a wife and or kids who value his reputation. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!!! He'll stop coming around to try to save his ass. Your wife will then see him and their relationship for what they are: sick, twisted and devoid of any true value. Once he's out of the picture you can focus on your relationship...that's both of you.

Don't take this crap lying down. Get aggressive. They'd do it to you. They are doing it to you.

James518 posted 6/10/2013 13:56 PM

Than you all. Your feedback really helps. Again. Thank you

solus sto posted 6/12/2013 08:16 AM

James, reconciliation with a personality-disordered spouse looks very different from reconciliation with a non-disordered spouse. IMO, it requires a good deal more from the BS than ordinary reconciliation. This is because NPD precludes empathy and remorse.

If your wife has NPD, she will behave in a way that is typical for the disorder. As wrenching as it is, it's not realistic to expect, from her, what she does not have to give.

This is the way she is. It is not a choice---it's the way her brain works. Can you live with it?

Have you found the thread for partners of people with NPD in the I Can Relate forum? In addition to that, I found lots of good information at, a site for people who love someone with personality disorder.

Ashland13 posted 6/12/2013 08:38 AM

So sorry for your difficult times, James.

I wanted to chime in because I am a BW who was cheated on by a NPD spouse of 20 years and there is a good thread on SI, yes. Two counselors have been able to pinpoint the disorder in Perv and one didn't even have to meet him!

It has been a horrible, terrible experience and a word of caution is to tread very carefully, very lightly, as if you are up "against" a bully at school as a kid.

The phrase "pick your battles" has never been more true at this stage in life and I have to decide each and every thing in mine and my children's life now, that has to do with him or about communication with him. I have to present things in a different way than with other people and have had to learn to be covert, where my nature is open-book.

I'm sorry to get so long-winded and could write about it for ages. Once a few things happen as you try to communicate with her, probably you will be able to make patterns out of future communication if you have to have it. If you make demands or put limits or boundaries on WW, it could backfire, but there are ways to do it that are less obvious than a different kind of person.

It's time to think of you more and your son if you can, though I suspect your mind is pretty focused on WW and the A, as mine still does, five months later. The grief periods do abate and other things will slowly begin to matter again.

Your WW sounds lucky, if I may say so, to have your devotion and love and your sons and I'm sorry she's throwing that away. It happened here as well, we were totally 100% devoted to Perv, who turned on us and then abandoned us, never to look back until it suited him and lawyers are looking.

I wish you luck, James and all the best.

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