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BritChick posted 6/10/2013 08:55 AM

Ok, so I know i havent been on in a long time. Things arent any better and we just over 3 yrs out. WH still doesnt get the effect his A has had on me. He still continues to accuse me of being unfaithful and again, doesnt understand how insulting that is after his A.

Anyway, he still drinks too much also and Friday night we got into a row. I asked him about his drinking and h should cut down. I said that he had done it once before - right after DDay when he was trying o get in my good books.

The subject came up of him going tp see OW and how he didn drink those nights - he drove 50 minutes to her house and 50 back to see her. I said that he obviously could go without a drink then.

He said he feels like he has to drink to put up with me! So i said And you're saying you didnt have to drink to be with her? And he went Truth hurts, does it?

I said I think I better go to bed and went upstairs. He was calling after me to come down and saying again Truth hurts does it? I came downstairs screaming at him how hurtful it was what he said and I ha a panic attack :-(

Luckily the kids were sleeping over a friends.

I sobbed all night :-(

I know I have said it beofre but I am kicking him out. I wont be conpared to the OW and I certainly wont be told someone has to co sume alcohol to live with me

itainteasy posted 6/10/2013 08:57 AM

(((((BritChick)))))

Please, get away from him. He is killing you slowly. The stress of being with him isn't good for your mind, or your heart.

I'm sorry you're still suffering.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/10/2013 09:03 AM

D.E.T.A.C.H from this guy. Seriously.

A few years back Sultan and I were having a discussion about how I had not been happy about the amount of time he traveled for *work*. And His Loveliness responded that he traveled to get away from me.

Well, alrighty then, you cruel fucker. I'm granting you your desire by divorcing you. Yay you! You don't have to deal with me anymore.......and of course now I'm still getting the texts that tell me how *miserable* he is without me. What.Ever.

Anyway. I've heard that 'truth hurts' statement before. Kinda made my stomach go queasy when I read it again.

You have proof that your WH is a cruel and insensitive bastard. Stop looking to him to fill your emotional needs because all he's gonna do is tear you down. I'm so sorry. But Fuck.That.Guy. Find your bitch boots and armor.

{{{hugs}}}

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:08 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

nofool4u posted 6/10/2013 09:11 AM

He said he feels like he has to drink to put up with me! So i said And you're saying you didnt have to drink to be with her? And he went Truth hurts, does it?

Ok, you deserve better than this. Your H cheats, and has the audacity to say this? Its clear that he isn't wanting to put any work in on reconciliation. I wonder if his tune would change if all of a sudden one day he was served papers??

Maybe you ought to sit down and have a long talk with him citing that he has contempt for you, he has cheated, isn't willing to work on the marriage, and insults you by basically throwing the OW in your face with the truth hurts comment. I'd tell him, therefore, if this is the way you feel there is no reason for us to be married any longer.

This will either kick him in the ass and scare him to death, or he'll agree or get all defensives. If it is the latter two, then I'd say you know what you have to do.

Have you discussed divorcing with him yet?

Ladyogilvy posted 6/10/2013 09:15 AM

Sounds like his first and last mistress are alcohol. Alcohol does something to their brains over time that makes them more and more cruel. Makes them want to fight. Makes them want to cause you pain. It really is nothing personal.

I dealt with this sort of thing long befor W had an A. It was much easier to detach then than after the A. I had a hard time not taking the A personally for some reason. In my opinion, you can not recover from an A with someone who is an active alcoholic. They are in incapable of helping you heal.

Whether you leave him physically or not, you will have to leave him mentally/emotionally. Do not communicate with him when he is being argumentative. With an alcoholic, that can be when they are drunk, hung over, sober or any other time they are breathing.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 9:17 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

noprincess posted 6/10/2013 09:28 AM

(((BritChick)))

Yes, what gonna said: Detach!

My H is an alcoholic and said in a text to OW: "...I drink you away". Meaning, I guess, that he's so distressed at losing her that he numbs the pain with booze. Knowing what his drinking has put me through in 23 years of M, put our sons through, I wanted to kill him for saying this. Living with an addict adds a whole other dimension to your pain and suffering. It stops when you say it stops BritChick.

Have you gotten any support? Remember: you can't control it, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. Have you tried an Al-Anon support group (or UK equivalent?) Also, there is a thread on the "I Can Relate" forum for spouses of alcoholics. I read there from time-to-time for insight and support.

Your H is an ass. His words were so curel because he probably hates himself and it projecting on you. Detach.

Sending you hugs (((BritChick))) and strength.

Jospehine85 posted 6/10/2013 09:34 AM

You have proof that your WH is a cruel and insensitive bastard. Stop looking to him to fill your emotional needs because all he's gonna do is tear you down.

^^^^^TRUTH

You stay because your emotional bucket is empty and you keep waiting for him to fill it. He is not going to. He is intentionally keeping it empty to keep you around. We ALL need that emotional security. It is human nature to crave it. Unfortunately it can keep us stuck in dysfunctional situations in an attempt to obtain that emotional security.

You need to move on. You will find a NORMAL man to be involved with and your emotional bucket will be overflowing

BritChick posted 6/10/2013 10:06 AM

Thank you all for your responses. Sorry about the typos in the first post - I was writing it on my phone outside the kid's school!!

I know I need to get away from him. I don't know what keeps me here as I have a huge support network of friends and family. I have no financial concerns regards separating.

I think I just fear the massive fall out that I know will happen. But I also know that life the other side of that fall out will be so much better.

I have tried counselling - it works a bit but then as soon as WH says something detrimental, all my fight leaves me once again.

It hurts just as much that he said it, but that also, he didn't appear to regret saying it. He said Sorry once but then after that, continued to say "The truth hurts, does it?" So cruel :-(

I am going to get my bitch boots on and do something about it this week.

Thank you all again - I knew you guys would understand

Holly-Isis posted 6/10/2013 10:13 AM

He needs the alcohol to live with himself.

(((((BC))))))

MissLonelyHeart posted 6/10/2013 10:16 AM

I see so many cruel things said on here by the WS to the BS and it makes me so angry and I so badly want to kick there asses!
How DARE they cheat and then on top of that put you down in any way! My SAWS is a liar, so who know what cruel comparisons or thoughts may go thru his mind, but at least he has never voiced them. I would not be sitting here right now if he ever compared me to the whores he screwed or said anything putting me down physically or emotionally. I so hope you can keep the strength to not let him come back home, you know you deserve so much better.

itainteasy posted 6/10/2013 10:17 AM

BritChick,

The fallout from separation and divorce is TEMPORARY.

Your peace of mind and rebuilt self esteem is FOREVER.

You are worth more than what he wants to give. And for him to say "Sorry" ONE time, but to continue with the "Truth hurts, does it?" line is beyond juvenile. He got a reaction out of you--the one he wanted. He wanted the screaming, ranting, sobbing BritChick so he could say "Hey, she's the crazy one who is angry all the time." You reacted to his cruelty, and he wanted to keep you reacting.

180. Detach.

Your life will be peaceful once he's gone.

((((hugs))))

BritChick posted 6/10/2013 10:28 AM

Yeah, I know he is not at all sorry for what he said. He might have been for one split second - when he said Sorry - but that was soon replaced with his need to make me the bad guy again.

I don't normally rise to him having a go - usually because I don't want to cause a big row infront of the children. But knowing they weren't there and his such cruel words, meant that I did retaliate. I hardly spoke to him Saturday and was quite cool yesterday also. He has been at work today, so have not seen him.

I do just have to keep telling myself that the fall out will be hard but the end result will so be worth it. The children are now 13 and 15. They know things aren't right and I know that although initially it will be hard for them, in the long term, it will be better all round.

I know I cant compete with the alcohol and I don't want to. He has chosen it over us on so many occasions but cant even see that he does it. His behaviour when drunk it awful and he is such an arsehole. I used to try and protect the children from some of it - but they are older now and see it and make their own opinions of him, which I don't think are very good to say the least. Our DD13 has confided in a friend of mine that she doesn't like him drinking. :-(

I know life will be better - now, where are them bitch boots?

Ostrich80 posted 6/10/2013 10:56 AM

Living with an addict of any sort is hard enough but living with a mean and cruel one will surely destroy you. I hope you can find the strength to detach from this guy.. As much as the A hurt me, there were a couple of things ws said to me that were so mean, I will never forget them. Words can be excruciatingly painful. I'm so sorry.

BritChick posted 6/10/2013 11:10 AM

Thank you - I don't think he understands how hurtful his words are. Or the lasting affect they have on me.

EasyDoesIt posted 6/10/2013 11:21 AM

2x4 here....Oh, yes, he DOES understand how hurtful his words are. THAT'S why he says them. It might be anger at himself redirected at you, he sounds like a sick and selfish SOB, but he knows those words hurt you. He wielded them like a sword and cut you to the heart and he MEANT to do it. Quit giving him a pass.

Chicky posted 6/10/2013 11:27 AM

My fWH had a habit of throwing that "truth hurts" nonsense at me too. I would politely respond, "YOUR truth means nothing because like all cheaters, you're a liar". Really pissed him off. Not quite sure why...

Nature_Girl posted 6/10/2013 11:42 AM

2x4 here....Oh, yes, he DOES understand how hurtful his words are. THAT'S why he says them. It might be anger at himself redirected at you, he sounds like a sick and selfish SOB, but he knows those words hurt you. He wielded them like a sword and cut you to the heart and he MEANT to do it. Quit giving him a pass.

^^^^TOTAL TRUTH^^^^

My STBX also used the "truth hurts" phrase against me.

But then the day came that I kicked him out of the house & had his nasty ass served with divorce papers. How's that for truth hurting, Asshole?

I've been speaking MY truth ever since. MY truth is the only truth that counts to me any longer. I'll tell ya something else. The day I kicked him out & me and the kids fled town? I alternated between frightened silence, quiet tears, and hysterical laughter. Yes, LAUGHTER! I was finally FREE from that cruel bastard! I felt like I'd finally been let out of prison after being wrongly convicted. I still sometimes find that I'm laughing at being free from him, I still sometimes get that giddy "out of prison" feeling. Yes, things have been incredibly hard since I threw him out. But it's worth it!

momentintime posted 6/10/2013 14:39 PM

If you find your bitch shoes and do take actions to free yourself and the kids from his behavior, be careful. If you served him divorce papers or just kick him out, he will turn on the charm just to pull you back in, maybe even cry some big old tears for you, but as soon as you waiver, he will come in for the kill, he will make you pay for making him confront HIS cruelty. He will try to manipulate you, blame you and make you feel guilty for trying to get to a better place. Don't let him. Kick him out, tell him he has killed any decent feeling you had for him.......and wait for it....it is too bad the truth hurts.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:39 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/10/2013 14:43 PM

(((BritChick))) I'm sorry. I have heard similar things from my WH. He always apologizes later, but it always smacks me in the face that WS has the audacity to sneer at the BS in any way. It's like laughing at the victim after they have been beaten. Sick shit

twodoves posted 6/10/2013 15:02 PM

What an awful thing to say to someone.

I'm so sorry BritChick, you don't deserve his crap at all.