This has been something he and his friends have been doing since young teens. After years of arguing about this I let him know I don't mind it as a social thing but NOT in our home and especially not when our kids are running in/out on the weekend. I noticed during the A he was getting high more often.
I believe sometimes it is an escape for him and other times he does it to feel good - much like me having a vodka/7.
The real problem came when I asked, "why would you do this now? We have talked about this and you know how I feel when its in our house." He blurted out, "bc I didn't think you would find out."
AHA! And THERE it is! The same with the A. You didn't think I would find that out either.
I angrily explained to him that there is NOTHING I do in my life where I think, "oh well, he will never know." I just don't live my life this way. I don't want a marriage with deceit!
I cried and said that I am so tired of being hurt.
He was ashamed and felt foolish. He has been working so hard to make amends with me about the A. Show his remorse. Living the right way. His work is better, his fitness is better. His word is better. But this set me back. The statement floored me.
I told him that I cannot keep having this pot convo with him. He suggested we write up a contract about this.
I told him the REAL issue is that you did something bc you didn't think I would find out. That is the behaviour YOU need to work on. We are having a talk tonight bc all this took place just before I was going away with some girlfriends for the night.
On a more + note, he is joining SI bc we think it will be helpful in many ways.
Can anyone comment on my H's behavior. I am truly interested in your thoughts.
[This message edited by LA44 at 9:26 AM, June 10th (Monday)]
Um..WHAT??!!! It put me right back to square one. And,clearly,he never left it.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Wayward thinking doesn't turn around overnight. A lot of these thought patterns have been there for a very long time, some maybe since childhood. So it is going to take him some time to figure out how to make different decisions and train his brain to think differently.
Writing up a contract is really going to do nothing if he doesn't take a look at what went into making the decision in the first place. How did this decision to smoke pot on this day, when he knew you probably wouldn't be happy with it, but he did it anyway, come about. That is what needs to be pulled apart by him. Because in the end, if he can't learn how to start looking at his decision making process and what is going on with it and why it is flawed, things will never change.
He isn't doing this to hurt you. This is him. In his very flawed and screwed up state. And hopefully he has the desire to figure out how to fix it. Because it can be fixed.
Good luck to the both of you, and I think him coming to SI could do wonders if he utilizes it.
Thanks tiregirl. I do really "get" that and this is where we need to focus our attention at this point. The affair person is not an issue for me. His impulsive decisions that are meant to deceive me are.
I think SO much of his behavior has been in place since childhood. He has always spoken of his "happy" childhood. No trauma. However, I do feel that he had GREAT freedom as a young person. Whatever he liked, he did. What felt good, he did. He made excellent grades, got jobs when he wanted. It all came easy.
Incidentally, I read your stuff a lot - same with hardlessons. I used you as an example for my H of couples on SI.
I am going to let him know about this post. Thank you.
I am not much into contracts, I feel they give a false sense of security.Open honest communication is important. Why does he feel like he needs to lie about the pot use? You said it's been an issue for years...What are your issues with it? It isn't legal in Canada right?
Maybe you need to talk about house rules and why he feels like it's not ok to honor them....doesnt matter if you find out or not.He feels as though you don't need to have your feelings respected. He didn't care about your feelings regarding pot smoking in the home...that to me is as big an issue as the lying.
He needs to discuss these feelings with you rather than act like a teenager disobeying his parents.
deal breaker...meh. Something to look into and dig through, yeah.
(((hugs))) we don't get there overnight....
My issues with pot smoking....I guess when I first met him it was something he did and I accepted it bc his view on it was and still is that he doesn't do it to get stoned. It's the same as having one beer, unless he is out with the guys or on a guys' weekend. Then they do it and get stoned. Gross.
At some point I realized he would do it when he had to do a mindless task - like clean his apt (when he was a bach) or clean up the yard (when we got married and we bought a house). I started to see it more as his way to escape. I have to do the laundry, etc. but I don't have a drink beforehand. It's something that has to get done. It's not enjoyable but I do it. If we escape for every little thing we don't like then what happens when the BIG things happen to us?
While the A was going on, I found that he was doing it more and more and staying out very late on say a random Tuesday. Keep in mind that the AP was not here in our province. I feel now that the A was the escape when he left the province and pot was the escape when he was in the province.
I also don't like that it takes 2-4 days to get clear-headed/memory dwindles following a night with the guys. But I don't want it in the house though. Period.
Now that we have two young boys, I have made it clear time and again that it is NOT okay for them to recognize that smell in our home. They are only young but one day when they get older, they will say, "ohhhh.....I have smelled this before. At home!)
I would like for him to respect this request. I can think of nothing I wouldn't do if he asked., ie: LA, can you please not use the VISA this month." I would then NOT go out and use the VISA!
And true. It is NOT legal in Canada.
The only other time I was aware he did it post-A - and this is big - when we had one night alone and it was going to be a romantic dinner. While he was BBQ'ing he snuck off and did it. When he kissed me a few min later, I knew! I could not believe he did it just bc. It felt like, "in your face LA" altho he swears he was not feeling that way. He just had it and did it. Like drinking a beer.
We will discuss tonight. I appreciate the comments very much.
[This message edited by LA44 at 2:22 PM, June 10th (Monday)]
I am fairly familiar with this drug. My father is a very heavy user, was in my childhood, still is.
This can be a big issue. What is going on in real life that needs to be escaped from.
When he did it this past Sat., I was trying to make a decision about something and he was talking me through it. Then when I left to shower to think some more, he smoked. Nothing really to escape from.
The other time I mentioned - our romantic night - ALL WAS WELL! We were in for a goooood time and then he did that and stunned me. I was so calm about it tho. We had a good talk. He said he felt stupid that he did it.
So...there are times when he does it to escape and other times I think he does it just bc.... he likes it. But he is not respecting the house rules.
Our R has been going very well. Lots of reading, MC, IC, talking and touching. So when this happens, it really ....throws me.
I def think he needs to address his obvious need for it, he needs it enough to sneak and lie about it.
I think he does it just bc.... he likes it
He smokes it:
With his friends.
When he's bored.
When he has stuff to do.
When things are good.
When things are bad.
He can't control himself.
He's an addict.
Now cigarettes... wow! I "quit" those about 5 years ago. I didn't want to quit. I smoked because "I liked it" not because I was addicted to it. Addicts were junkies who crawled out of their skin if they didn't get their fix, right? How could I be an addict... if I missed a cig break, big deal. I didn't NEED to smoke, I only WANTED to. Isn't that the key difference between addicted and not addicted??
Honestly, it wasn't until I considered the reality of giving up my cigarettes that I realized just how addicted I was. I didn't want to give them up. And when I tried - I found I couldn't. And then when I managed again to quit, I couldn't resist the old triggers - like cigbreaks with my one smoker friend. Or long car rides. Or after a rough day. The list goes on. Because I was addicted.
If he can't quit the weed for any decent length of time, which let's be honest - it's not meth, but it's still an illegal, expensive mind-altering substance... then wouldn't it be safe to say he's addicted to it?? The key test is to ask him to quit. An occasional user who is not addicted might not love the idea, but they could do it without lying about it. At the VERY least, they could eliminate it completely from the house!
An addict wouldn't be able to.
[This message edited by ms521 at 10:13 PM, June 10th (Monday)]
I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)
My FWH pulled the same shit at some point after D-day. I told him he could never lie to me again. And then I busted him for smoking it behind my back. Major set-back for me.
He told me then and tells me now that he likes smoking it. It's not a big deal to him. It's relaxing. To me, it represents the same stuff of A's, deceit and sneaking around behind my back, and therefore triggers me. Plus I see it as taking away time from us. Our views on the stuff are polar opposite.
Seems like letting him do it outside the house, but not inside is more then a fair compromise.
Marriage is about compromise NOT getting to do whatever the hell you want when you want. My FWH got the marriage memo late, too!!!
It has withdrawal symptoms that are pretty consistent among users. Marijuana has a very long half life -which is why people tend to believe there isn't addiction or withdrawal. The drug stays in your system for up to a month. It has subtle effects for that entire time- but most people don't feel that they are having any effects.
I would say that he is an addict. Which would also contribute to his choosing to do things he knows are "wrong" because he thinks he won't get caught. Classic addict brain. Poor frontal lobe control, like an adolescent.
I'm not anti marijuana, but I think a lot of regular users underestimate its negative effects. It can definitely impair decision making, motivation and is very numbing. And you can't heal what you don't feel...
My husband had issues with alcohol and pot for most of our marriage.
It caused me a lot of heartache.
Like you I thought that he would eventually outgrow this and become a mature level headed father and husband.
Instead he became a 'functional' alcoholic/pot smoker.
He thought he had it under control.
He managed to keep his very professional job, provide for his family etc.
But, the addiction (and yes I believe it is an addiction) took it's toll.
IMHO it's a slippery slope that very often leads to infidelity.
Let me guess-the OW was someone that he used to drink and party with?
That was what happened in my FWH's case. He knew I didn't approve of his drinking and meanwhile the MOW was one of his co-worker/ drinking buddy and she encouraged this behavior.
It was all one big party.
The OW called the 5 yr LTA-'just having fun'.
That fun nearly destroyed me and our 30 yr marriage.
After d-day my FWH got sober, went to AA and has been 100% sober every since (6 yrs now).
I have to tell you I see a huge difference in him.
He sees the world in a completely different way.
He is a much better husband, father, man.
A good book that describes this type of personality: The Addictive Personality by Craig Naaken.
I also saw so much in this book that applies to the WS while they are in the fog of the infidelity.
"bc I didn't think you would find out."
That is what needs to be addressed. He did it behind your back, knowing how you would feel about it. TG was spot on when she said that this Wayward Thinking - he has to work on these thought patterns and why he did this KNOWING how you would feel. He smoked pot that day because he thought he wouldn't get caught - you could easily replace pot with flirting. Would he flirt with another woman if you weren't around?
He crossed a boundary that you two set up together. Just because it wasn't an A type of boundary, it was still the same thought process "I won't get caught, so what is the big deal"
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
The affair person is not an issue for me. His impulsive decisions that are meant to deceive me are.
I just want to say...awesome. You know where the blame lies and what a key root issue is that needs to be addressed.
I had an experience about 1 year after D-Day 1 where my WH lied about his whereabouts. He continued to lie to me about alcohol consumption as well. I don't have a lot of advice except that:
1) Yes, these are habits that are hard to break but...
2) It is great that you have made your feelings known. If he keeps up the attempts to hide it long-term, you can decide then. As long as you continue to honestly communicate with him and call him on his shit, I think you're doing the right thing.
he doesn't do it to get stoned.
Of course he does.
SandAway: Thank you for your comment re: boundary issue. This is where the real problem lies for me.
RockyMountain: Thank you. I feel as if a part of me is coming out of a fog as well. When I wrote that statement, I was proud of me. I was clear.
Karmahappens et all, I can tell you about last night.
He did admit that he was being 100% deceitful. He does not see how crossing this boundary can lead to crossing other boundaries like another A. He is repulsed by his A behaviour. But what if that wanes too?
When D-Day arrived, I ran to his dad. I told his dad about the pot smoking bc I felt like this was all related. He promised his dad he would stop for one year. I did NOT know about this promise until his dad told me. Alarm goes off here.
That lasted one month (I have seen him go at least 3 months w/o it). But breaking that promise made me sad and I let him know.
His friend M is addicted. He asked him for "a pinch" at the movies last week. He took initiative. Just like he made the first move to have sex outside our marriage.
NJGAL: The AP did not smoke but she does get friendly with the bartender. So yeah. Party, party, party. Let's just have funnnnnn!
Is he addicted? If being addicted means answering yes to all of the points that US wrote, then yes. He would say, NO!
His sister has been sober/drug free for 6.5 years now but I do see the addict brain every now and then (excuses, entitlement, justifies $ purchases).
My dad is a recovering alcoholic. I remember him being passed out on my feet in the backseat of the car. He stopped drinking when I was 10. I am very proud of him.
I love my H. If he does this outside the home and tells me, I would be okay with that. But if he TRULY has a problem then even that is not okay. Only he can answer that.
I do know what I need from him as far as our house rules go. I cannot be deceived any longer. There is really no space left for lies.
I have asked him to talk about this in IC and I will ask him to continue reading your posts.
[This message edited by LA44 at 8:06 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
My father is almost 65 yrs old and has smoked since I was a baby. He has never gone more than a few months without smoking. He will tell you he is not addicted. That he can stop whenever he wants. Whatever.
What I will say, is that this drug causes you to make decisions that are not all that great. Like he gave my 19yr old pot after a visit with him. Not even thinking that my 19 yr old could get busted with it on the 2hr drive home. See, not great decision making skills, and they tend to cross boundaries very easy.
I don't have anything against this drug. In moderation. Strict moderation. In light of the broken promise to his dad, I think he needs to take a second look at his ability to put this drug down. Maybe with a clearer head, his ability to make better decisions would be higher.