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How is your MC/IC helping you process everything??

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Almost12Years posted 6/10/2013 09:24 AM

I just seems like our MC (who we also use for IC on an as-needed basis) doesn't really know how to help me process everything. To be fair, fWH confessed on his own accord and did everything "by the book" (went NC right away, read NJF, we started MC immediately) so a lot of that stuff was done early on.

So while she's been good in a lot of ways, I just don't think she's done much to help me process the trauma of everything. Maybe I'm not expressing everything adequately enough? In the early stages, I was so utterly blindsided and desperate to save my marriage that I feel like I was still in shock, unable to fully process what happened. Now that we're just over a year out, the hock of has worn off and the reality of everything is starting to hit. The few times I have mentioned things I've struggled with, she's basically just told me that I need to stop looking in the past and move forward, and to accept that maybe that this whole thing just had to happen. In some ways, I get what she's saying - but this was HUGELY traumatic for me, and in some ways I just feel stuck. I don't know if I'm any more stuck than anyone else that's just over a year out, or moreso - but I don't know what else I can do - if anything - to help my healing?? Maybe it really is just a matter of time?

wert posted 6/10/2013 09:33 AM

I found MC to be counter productive with the A. We went through several until we found one that acknowledge the A had little to do with the M aside from being a violation of its terms. Oh yeah, and a broken heart.

IC for your trauma IMO. I think the unfortunate truth is your trauma is just that, your trauma.

take care...

Bobbi_sue posted 6/10/2013 09:47 AM

We didn't do any MC. I went to an IC for a while myself, but I don't know that I was looking for help "processing" anything nor was I looking for advice. I just wanted a sympathetic ear, sort of like a paid friend, but somebody who did not know my H.

I really don't have the confidence in counselors that many others do, and if they tried to tell me how to process things, or tried to advise me how to live my life, I would stop going.

forgivingnow posted 6/10/2013 09:52 AM

Our first MC said the same just a few weeks after dday, I needed to draw a line in the sand about what details I knew or wanted to know , accept and then move on...such bad advise
I wish I had known about SI then. We stopped going to her after 2 months. She also told me I was zanaxing my way thru this...Yes, I did need a low dose of zanax for 2-3 months...
At 17 months from dday I went to a new MC because I was still crying at night & I had a husband who was truly remorseful and doing everything right, but I was still traumatized.
This MC was wonderful. She had me write out a list of what I was crying about, what was causing me so much pain...the feelings, the triggers, what he did and then she apologized to me...

I'm so sorry this happened to you, you did not deserve this. I'm so sorry you felt such (pain, rejection, felt unloved, etc) when your husband did(you fill in the blank...)
The next session my husband came and she had me do the same exercise and state how I felt...when he did... and he apologized to me, repeatedly. And I apologized to him for hurts I had caused him.
I can not tell you how much that meant to have my feelings validated.
Our next 'exercise' was to state our needs and to continue to update and grow and expand that list.

I hope this helps. I don't like that your MC said that you need to accept that maybe this whole thing just had to happen...
BUT I know that once I was able to say to my self 'I accept this horrible thing happened to me and I can't change the past, it was the true beginning of me moving forward. There is still pain, but you can move forward and work on a better relationship.

tired girl posted 6/10/2013 10:09 AM

The fact that your MC is just want you to move forward is not a good sign.

I agree with Wert, you getting into IC is the best thing you could do for yourself right now. Work on healing you first, then look at healing the M.

keeponkeepingon posted 6/10/2013 10:15 AM

I can relate.

My IC has been wonderful. I have been going to her for 2 years now since DDay. She even saw MrKOKO and I once together as MC but he was so deep in the A that it was a pointless session. That session was were he told me that he thought he loved the OW. I told him in the session that he needed to leave then. It was nothing that was planned out prior with the MC but I set my boundary and firmly stood by it.

Because of that session, MrKOKO does not want to go to this IC/MC. He felt ganged up on. Poor baby.....

Our MC is MrKOKO's IC. He went to him for several months before we began the R process and began using him as MC. He knows what is going on with MrKOKO. I was okay with using him because I felt that as long as MrKOKO was comfortable it would go better for us.

Now we are 2 years post DDay but 1 year post beginning of R. (We separated for a year as the A continued). My IC has recently asked me straight up "Do you still want to be married to MrKOKO?" This is because of the continued struggles I have with accepting of the abandonment after DDay. She told me that it might be time to finally close the door on the A chapter. This was actually quite devastating for me. Now I am feeling guilty when I have these feelings of pain, like I should not anymore. She did not say get over it but I am questioning myself and am I just feeding my own pain? I feel like I am in this horrible cycle now of feeling the pain of the A and then guilty for feeling this pain still. Mind you in the 2 years since DDay IC has never said anything like this to me before.

Now our MC tells me that I need to accept the pain and remember where we are now. Remember that MrKOKO is now (FINALLY!!!!!) a very remorseful FWH. Also that I cannot dwell in the past. He does not tell me that I need to just get over it but that I need to just set those memories to the side. How the hell do you do that?!?!?!

During the A, MrKOKO told me that he is still messed up. I have begun to use his words now and let him know that I am still messed up. This A and more so the abandonment post DDay have changed me forever.

TXBW68 posted 6/10/2013 10:58 AM

I wasn't going to comment because I stopped going to IC and while the option is on the table, we have not gone to MC at all. We did use family counseling to help the boys adjust to the separation then reconciliation.

I wanted to comment to say that I feel the same way as Almost12 and KOKO. He triggered me Saturday with a stupid song. Then I spent the rest of the weekend wondering why I am still in this marriage. Most days, I know why. But then, I feel like an idiot for 1) not picking up on all the clues while it was happening and 2) for staying with someone who cheated on me for basically 6 years.

I also get hung up on the fact that he chose OW4 over me BUT he didn't choose me over her. Their relationship just died of natural causes - aka the 1600 mile distance between them - while we were separated.

Learning 2 months ago that our marriage was one-sided for 6 years has been traumatic for me. I had accepted what happened last year with OW4 when we started R. But now, 6 years of lies. Four OW. It's a lot to swallow and "just move on".

I talked to him about it this morning. He got very sad when I told him I had been contemplating why I was still here. I do love this man. And ultimately I know that I am/will be happier with our marriage intact. But sometimes I feel like I'm not living up to my own values by staying with him. Like I'm letting myself down.

So, even though I'm not in MC/IC, I wanted you to know that you are certainly not alone! I don't know how to move forward any faster than I am. I just keep hoping Time will help me finally close this awful chapter of our marriage.


sisoon posted 6/10/2013 11:16 AM

Our MC seems to think my pain is still in the here and now, but the behaviors that evoked the pain are in the past, so I should deal with the pain, but notice that my W is becoming the partner I want.

Since you're unhappy with what your C is doing for you, perhaps the best thing to do is to schedule an IC session and talk about what you want from her that you're not getting.

It could be that's all that's needed, but if she continues with the 'move forward (without processing your grief, rage, and fear)' crap, you're best bet will probably be to fire her and find someone new and better.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:18 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

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