maybe I'll post this one, maybe I'll delete it again who knows, but at least I type it out.
I'm kinda stuck in a rut, or a bit of a funk or well who knows really. I'm hoping it is just because it will be 1 year since my XWW moved out in a few weeks and maybe its that, or maybe its the fact I just had a birthday and am not where I thought I would be, or possibly the fact that I have been informed that XWW is now back "friends" with the original OM again. Oh and his BS is phoning my XWW and telling her that I have been making contact and trying to find out what has been going on... Oh I don't know.
I'm just feeling like a bit of a failure, ok scratch that, a lot of a failure. Kinda I failed as a husband, that I wasn't enough for my Wife. Failed as a father in keeping my kids family intact. Just in general feeling pretty unworthy of everything I guess.
I mean on the outside sure everything is rosey, got my nice house, I managed to redecorate and reclaim my bedroom the other week after living in a room my XWW and OM designed. I drive my nice car, though the roof mechanism broke on friday and I couldn't get the top back up, luckily it wasn't raining. I see my kids pretty much every day, and have them all weekend. I have a good job and its fairly flexible with regards to kids as well.
Yet I still feel guilty over the loss of my Marriage, as though I am to blame. In fact I imagine that I do truely believe I am to blame in some way, as though I drove my XWW to be with OM. I feel guilty for asking for a Divorce when I didn't want a D, I just wanted her to stop seeing the OM, but her choice was to continue to see him and be with him.
Pretty much all of my friends are now either in the process of getting married, or are in long term relationships (yeah I have warned them, they all assume i'm just cynical, which I am!) I'm having trouble finding people to do things with, when i got with XWW I moved from another part of the country and left all of my close friends behind, I still see some occasionally but its usually too hard getting together etc. Also when I was with XWW I neglected to make any real male friends as the X did not like me going out, and I was required to watch the children whilst she worked, so I've ended up with only 1 real friend close to where I am.
I'm painfully shy it seems and lack self confidence in spades. I have no objection to going out and doing things on my own, cinema, gym, shopping, walks I just feel I should be interacting with people more. The fact that I prefer to stay in on my own, has lead XWW telling her family and friends that I am putting my life on hold waiting for her (i'm not!), and the advice everyone loves to throw out is "oh you want to get out there and meet someone new". No I don't I tried that, its a mess in the making and I'm fairly certain anyone sane would not touch me with a 10 ft barge pole at this moment in time, so I wouldn't want to date anyone who wants to date me, and if that sentance makes sense to anyone, its possible I'm not 100% crazy.
I do feel unattractive and unwanted, even though I've lost 3 stone and am technically in the best shape of my life, I look in the mirror and see a fat balding man (ok its shaved but when it grows you can see that it doesn't actually grow on top). I'm attempting to sort myself out, I've been to IC, whose sage and wonderful advice is to get back out there again as there is nothing wrong with you. (this came from the 3 counsellors I've seen), so I've reached the conclusion that counsellors in the UK don't really have any kind of clue.... So I've taken to reading more and trying to work stuff out myself, which leads to doing nice things for myself. Which I cannot seem to do because I don't feel that I deserve them and that I'm just wasting my time and everyone else's.
Due to an erratic schedule with the kids due to XWW's work, this means it is a nightmare to plan anything in advance or schedule classes or start any new hobby. I went to a fathers meeting last week, for single dads having trouble seeing their kids etc, I don't have that trouble and feel really guilty for even being there. Men who have not seen their kids in 3/4 years and I'm sat there complaining that my XWW holds access to them over my head and stops me from seeing them for 4 days...
Ok re-reading all that... there appears to be an underlining theme of me feeling guilty over everything, shame and guilt.. Ok I suppose that gives me some where to look at what is going on with me. I am still working on me and like to think I am a work in progress, I just get annoyed that XWW seems to be living her life with no guilt or consequences for her actions. OM despite treating my XWW like shite, and leaving his XBS numerous times, appears to be able to flit in and out of both of their lives without any consequences. My XWW wants to be "friends" with the guy who helped her trash our marriage and our kids family, but yet when given the chance to work things out with me couldn't do it. I thought I was at a stage where I couldn't give a shit about them, but it seems I still do. Perhaps more so, that the guy lived with my kids, got them used to having him around, and then just decided to leave, causing them more hurt and confusion...
Well thats probably a completely incoherent post, I'm sure I've written it better one of the numerous times before but I'll post this one anyway. No idea if i'm after advice or a kick up the arse really, probably take both though I guess..