Determined
Many marriages survive to become much, much stronger than they were before the affair.
It's not easy, it's not going to happen overnight, and you will second-guess yourself constantly. Get ready for the rollercoaster ride.
Here are the first, necessary steps:
The Three R's -the the 'trifecta' of rebuilding. Without the Three R's, it aint gonna happen. They are:
Remorse: do they have it? Are they truly sorry for what they've done? Guilty? Ashamed?
Responsibility: do they fully accept the blame for their choice to have an affair? Or are they pushing it off on you, claiming you 'drove' them to it? Do they fully realize just what their actions have done to you and to your marriage? Are they willing to do their part to heal that?
Respect: are they showing it to you and to your marriage? They show you respect by cutting off all contact with the Other Woman and letting you know immediately if they receive contact from same. They show respect for you by answering all your questions honestly, giving you an open pass into the formerly 'secret' areas of their life to reassure you. They show you respect by allowing you your grief, anger, obsession and pain and not trying to 'talk' you out of it or belittle you for not 'getting over it'. They show you respect by agreeing to go to counseling alone or together, if you so desire it.
The Goodbye -Absolutely necessary and no negotiation on this point. The affair must end, completely and without any lingering 'friendship' between the two.
Quoting Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. from the MarriageBuilders website on 'saying goodbye.'
"How should an unfaithful spouse tell their lover that their relationship is over?
If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about their spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again for life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."
Start the NC now. Hope this helps you convey to your husband HIS role in making the first steps of helping you heal.
Good luck.