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Regrettful posted 6/10/2013 09:54 AM

I am usually not someone who posts in forums. However, I am trying to do anything and everything at this point to repair my relationship.

It has only been a few weeks since Dday. I'm not really sure where to begin here in the forums. I have gotten started in the Healing Library, I have read Getting the Love You Want and am two thirds of the way through Not Just Friends.
Directly, I am trying to give my spouse the space he needs and be patient.

We had agreed mutually to file for a separation. We filled in the initial paperwork together. I have since asked him to reconsider our marriage.
I have had NC with OM and am trying my best.

Thank you everyone for all of your posts here on SI- I have been lurking for a few days now here in the forums.

I suppose my first question is how did you come to terms with what you've done? I have no regrets of ending the A with OP and do not miss them. But I am in a "fog" as to how the heck did I let this happen? How did I betray the one person who I love so much?
I still can't believe it myself.

[This message edited by Regrettful at 9:55 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

unforgivable5 posted 6/10/2013 10:47 AM

Hey Regrettful, sorry you are here too, but welcome. I am only a few months in, and I know how you're feeling. For me, doing some serious inward thinking about myself, EVERYTHING about myself, along with immediately getting into individual counseling has helped me come to terms with what I've done. I'd be lying if I said I've fully accepted it. Sometimes it hits me like a baseball bat to the face and will stop me in my tracks. Wait, what!? What the eff did I do? It seems almost impossible that I did that. I have committed fully to fixing my issues that have driven me to the point where I now sit, and I suggest you do the same. The one thing that I have learned from everyone here is that you have to focus on fixing you. That is the only hope for saving the marriage, or at least building from the ashes of whats been burnt to the ground. Perhaps someone deeper into R can expand upon this but thats what I have learned here so far. Have you looked into IC?

Regrettful posted 6/10/2013 10:50 AM

unforgivable5,

I completely get it. I feel like such a (something) right now.

I have not looked into IC yet. My spouse strongly suggested that I needed it. I am waiting until I start working so that I can foot the bill (in a couple of weeks hopefully).
-sigh- I wish I could just undo all of this and realize from the start what I was actually throwing away and how much hurt I was inflicting on both of us.

Listeningclosely posted 6/11/2013 06:41 AM

Coming to terms with it all takes time. Time to examine. Time to switch from defending our actions to accepting accountability for our actions. And time to build up enough strength to break away from the old you and become the new you.

KBeguile posted 6/11/2013 07:07 AM

To piggyback on Listeningclosely, sometimes that search can't be done wholly alone, because, as he said, you'll either justify or give backwards permission for the choices you made and the actions you took. I know that in my circumstance, it required open communications and reading with my BS as well as IC. I learned completely different things from these experiences, so I effectively needed to have input from a lot of different sources.

I hope you can find some or all of the help you need here.