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Help! Plastic surgery after 4 mos of finding out about affair?

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AmberN posted 6/10/2013 11:46 AM

I recently found out (February 16, 2013) that my fears of my husband's affair were founded. He came clean after a 6 month affair with a woman who was also married. I had been confronting him with suspicions since September 2012. I found out many, many things in February. I recovered deleted texts and broke into the fake email account they set up. I talked to her as well. I knew she was a liar when she met with me in November trying to convince me nothing was going on...even trying to befriend me. Anyway, we have a 3 and a 4 year old and have been together since I was 17 (now 31). We decided to work it out. Recently he received a big bonus and I had talked about getting a mommy makeover for years. I have a tummy tuck and breast augmentation scheduled for next Tuesday. I'm wondering if anyone feels like I may be acting out of desperation...I want him to find me attractive. I want out marriage to work but I can't decide if I am going under the knife for the right reasons...I am to go pay the remainder of the money TODAY. I need opinions please! I am still emotionally fragile and my primary care physician thinks I may be doing this for him and not me. I've been having stress reactions like hives, etc. I lost 40 lbs in the last couple months after finding out. I feel like I am beginning to put the pieces back together but still so unsure about anything. I feel like the one thing I was always so sure of was ripped away. Am I trying to fill a hole that can't be filled by what I'm about to do?

[This message edited by AmberN at 11:47 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

nowiknow23 posted 6/10/2013 11:51 AM

I had talked about getting a mommy makeover for years. I have a tummy tuck and breast augmentation scheduled for next Tuesday.
So the idea wasn't a post-dday one, correct? Was the surgery already scheduled ahead of dday?

If you are having serious doubt about your motivations, put the surgery off. It can always be rescheduled, right?

KVille posted 6/10/2013 11:52 AM

Since you have wanted this for years I would go thru with it. I had both of those done and I am happy with it.

Only you can decide what you want. Do it for you not him.

huRtZ413 posted 6/10/2013 11:53 AM

You said it was something you had considered for years , so its something you wanted to do . That said why not do something for you! If it makes you feel better you gave him two kids and you should be proud of that . I think it's alway partially for our spouse but mostly for us because we want to like what we see in the mirror just because we're mom doesn't mean we can improve ourselves in whatever way we see fit. I say go for it.

AmberN posted 6/10/2013 11:54 AM

I did talk about it several years beforehand. The surgery was scheduled months after I found out. I just don't know if I feel good about my motivation for it at this point. But I have talked about it since having my son 3.5 yrs ago.

AmberN posted 6/10/2013 11:56 AM

Thanks so much for the reassurance! I just don't feel like I make any of the right decisions since this happened. My mind has just not felt right since I heard the words come out of his mouth. I feel so worn.

Take2 posted 6/10/2013 12:00 PM

I can guarantee you it won't fill the hole where infidelity is involved. But I agree with the others, if it was something you wanted to do - then do it for you. Maybe it will help to remind yourself that in the end, should you decide he is unworthy - you can always take your flat tummy and glorious boob-age on down the road.

heartache101 posted 6/10/2013 12:07 PM

Go do it!! Best thing is to do things that make you happy.
I say do it..

tushnurse posted 6/10/2013 12:11 PM

(((Amber)))
If you are unsure about the surgery, I would recommend holding off for a bit. This is an optional thing. It's not like it is lifesaving.

Being under the tremendous stress of the early days of R, and the rapid weight loss you have had, you may have trouble with healing, and be more susceptible to infection. Your immune system is worn down just like the rest of you.

A tummy tuck is a pretty big surgery, and from what I have been told hurts like hell initially. I would say give yourself some time, when your weight stabilizes, and you are able to eat and drink normally again, schedule it.

I get wanting to look better, and feel better about anything right now. If you are questioning your reasoning why right now, then hold off.

((((and strength)))))

Lyonesse posted 6/10/2013 12:45 PM

I was surprised how many people said "go for it," because my immediate reaction was "don't do it!" At least not now.

My feeling is that so soon after d-day, I didn't need anything that would make me feel bad or vulnerable. Presumably healing from this surgery is going to be uncomfortable.

Conversely, I don't think I would undergo any non-emergency surgery at a time when I was not at a good place emotionally. All the extra stress of the A is just going to make it harder to heal physically. Betrayal is a shock to the body, not just the emotional system.

I would take your H's bonus and put it in a separate account, to be spent on something for YOU whenever you decide what that will be. For me, it took about a year before I felt strong enough to make any decisions at all.

If you have any doubts at all, why not take your time until you feel you really want to go ahead with this???

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/10/2013 12:46 PM

I agree with Tushnurse. If you're having second thoughts, hold off for awhile. It's not like the surgeon won't be there when you're truly ready. It also makes me a little nervous that none of the docs are concerned with the rapid weight loss and the hives. While they are stress reactions to things happening to/around you- they can affect your recovery.

libertyrocks posted 6/10/2013 12:55 PM

I wanted the same after Dday, but I got hair extensions instead. LOOOVE em! Do what makes YOU happy, but I would also be weary of recovery process, it might make your sadness worse...But, that's just me...Good luck Amber!

Jospehine85 posted 6/10/2013 12:58 PM

Postpone the surgery.

If you ever have doubts about undergoing an elective procedure... postpone.

Your surgeon will understand. He does NOT want to operate on someone who is under the level of emotional duress you are under.

You can have it done 2 years from now when you know who you are and what you want out of life.

Holly-Isis posted 6/10/2013 13:02 PM

even if you wanted it prior to the A, you seem to be having doubts. Wait until you're sure it's for you.

If you have to- look at it as rewarding him for his behavior. Instead, wait until you know you want it for you.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/10/2013 13:06 PM

I think anyone would have last minute jitters, A or no A. Going under the knife is a stressful thing to do and you're already under a lot of stress. If you've done your research, have a surgeon with a good reputation and you have good after surgery support, it's probably fine. On the other hand, if it's adding to your stress, maybe you should postpone.

Let us know how it goes if you go through with it. I'm not sure I could do it. It sounds a bit scary. You might want to try less drastic mommy makeovers first. Botox, laser resurfacing (or whatever it's called) new clothes.

SoVerySadNow posted 6/10/2013 14:12 PM

You had planned for it. Jitters near surgery are normal.
If it was me, I'd go for it.

starstruck posted 6/10/2013 15:27 PM

I would hold off until I was in a better place emotionally. It is not an easy surgery and you need to be in good health to heal properly!
((((hugs))))

wanttogoforward posted 6/10/2013 15:37 PM

I had a procedure done about two years after dday.... and I don't regret any of it! I had wanted it for a long time and if I had put it off it would have just been one more thing to add to the list of things I wanted in life and didn't get!

I say if it is something you have wanted to feel better about yourself for a long time just do it.... I could not be happier I went ahead, even not being sure about our future....
If this was being done to try to improve the marriage I would say no, but if it's something you have been wanting, then do it! So many times we women put off the things we know we would like for a million different reasons.... if you can answer these questions then go for it...
Would you want to do this still if an A had never happened?
Would it make you feel better both inside and out?
Are you doing it to save the M?
Will you feel resentful and like your needs were not important in the relationship if you don't do this?
Only you can decide... I can only speak for myself and I don't regret having my procedure!

Chicky posted 6/10/2013 16:06 PM

You were already planning to do it so I say go for it. Not for him or anyone else but FOR YOU!

AmberN posted 6/10/2013 19:29 PM

I really appreciate all the feedback. I can ask friends and family but (thankfully) none of them know the position that I'm in bc they have not been through it. This site is such a blessing and I know I didn't find it by accident today! Thanks all :) So great to find a supportive bunch willing to help out with some great advice! Love and prayers to you all!

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