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JJDFB posted 6/10/2013 12:28 PM

I’m new here. And I’m not sure how to start. Still learning all the acronyms. I just felt obliged to say thank you to all the people here who are sharing their stories and trying to help others. It has been immensely helpful to me.

You would think after 23 of being with my wife, that I would understand how deeply I have hurt her. But reading the posts here have really helped me to fully understand her pain and my responsibility for it. And that’s really helped me to stay calm and hang in there.

We have a perfect life. The two most beautiful sons – 12 and 8. She’s beautiful and we had a lot of great sex into our 40’s. I love her and we have built an incredible life together. About 4 years ago, I simply lost my mind. Every reasons for an affair stated on this page sounds true to me – excitement, feel wanted, emotional support, blah, blah, blah.

For me, I think I am so emotionally lost right now, I’m not even sure which “reasons” are actually true and honest. I think I have been so scared my entire life that I have no clue how I feel about anything. Just some insane desire to destroy my life. I could list all the bad things that happened to me as a kid. Maybe there are some reasons to figure all that out. But right now, I am just terrified I have destroyed her life and mine and my sons.

hardlessons posted 6/10/2013 12:34 PM

Welcome JJDFB,

Fear and how deep it goes is scary when you don't know how long you can tread in it and keep your head above it.

Are you going to IC, what books are you reading?

JJDFB posted 6/10/2013 12:41 PM

So, the A was exposed by a family member last October. BS correctly insisted I re-start therapy. Started IC (Independent Counseling?)last December with a person who specializes in addiction. We also started MC shortly thereafter. I haven't started on any books. No good reason other than I'm a tiny cynical about where to start and the people here have been so helpful.

hardlessons posted 6/10/2013 13:14 PM

How is IC going? If you have been going for 6 months and your still emotionally lost and have no "why's" yet, are you sure this is the right counselor?

JJDFB posted 6/10/2013 13:34 PM

Fair question.

Some background would probably help. I was the youngest of 5 but raised as an only child by abusive parents. Alcoholic father and insane mother. They died when I was 13. I raised myself after that with help from friends. I know how to survive alone.

So, I guess the biggest answer to "why" would be that I feel like I have been alone my entire life. Even during our marriage, she was a person I managed. When my life got hard 4 years ago -- job crisis, 40's, etc. -- I wanted that feeling of being alone. I had helped my wife through many crises but never learned to reach out for help. So i went elsewhere to escape. And I was probably angry that she didn't try to help me without me asking for it. Of course, I went to great lengths to hide that I needed any help so no blame. Just irrational resentment.

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