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huRtZ413 (original poster member #39214) posted at 7:51 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
I have really good moments with WH and some so not so good and i brought in the idea of maybe an open marriage not because i had wanted one but to see where my WH stood on it all as i expected the answer was no ! I told him this would be the time to really examine and be honest about what you want now , his response was i knew its truly hard to believe because of what i have done but i only want you and i want to be monogamous ........the whole "i only wan you " is like a knife to the heart but whatever.....have any of you BS had that talk whats your view on it ? what was the response you got?
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:00 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
Suppose your H thought that you wanted an open M and said 'OK' as a way of pleasing you. Then where would you have been?
Honesty is crucial in M, and it's crucial in R.
If you don't say what you mean, you're likely to get burned.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
KeepCalm_CarryOn ( member #33374) posted at 9:50 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
I never would have this conversation, like sisoon said, what if he has said yes? How would you have gone forward from there? Too much like playing with fire for me! An open marriage is never an option in my book, so I wouldn't even bring it up.
You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
huRtZ413 (original poster member #39214) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
i suppose your right thankfully its not what he wants , because then i guess thats a whole new set of issues that i couldnt live with .....but i guess i put it out there because well our WS got as far as sex with OP so yeahhhh idk ..just thought id pick his brain i do that alot
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 10:02 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
IMO, I could never bring it up because I could never live that way. The A is bad enough to have to deal with. The thought of granting permission to allow it to happen? Why?
What would you have done if he said yes?
If your boundary is no other people and you are trying to recover from the A - this question confuses me. Perhaps it did you H too.
Good luck.
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
TrustGone ( member #36654) posted at 10:13 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
After I filed for D from XWH#1, I found a membership card to a club that was known for swapping, open marriages, etc..hidden with some of his porn. He had asked me earlier on in our marriage what I thought about that, but I let him know I was monogamous. If I wanted to be that way then I wouldn't be married. He never brought it up again, but the card membership made me wonder what else he had been up to besides his drunken ONS's over the years. Be very careful asking these types of questions if you really don't want to know the answer. If he says he only wants you, then try to build on that, not a mixed up situation. I have never known anyone in these type of relationships that it worked out well for. Someone almost always gets hurt.
XWH#2-No longer my monkey Divorced 8/15, Now married to a wonderful man.
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
ReunitePangea ( member #37529) posted at 10:42 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
I have an open marriage but still was betrayed. If you think an open marriage solves the problem that caused the A that is a false assumption. An open marriage is just a marriage with different boundaries but they are boundaries all the same and boundaries can be broken.
BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years
FeelingSoMuch ( member #38814) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, June 10th, 2013
To play devil's advocate here, there's always the possibility that while he's OK with himself sleeping around, he'd be crushed if you did.
Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.
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