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OnTilt posted 6/10/2013 13:55 PM

This post is going to be partly looking for some advice and partly a vent, but I am just totally at my wits end. Short background D-day# 1, October 2011. D-day#2 March 18, 2012. From what little evidence I gathered, determined wh at the very least had a couple of secret female 'friends', but I never found proof of an actual affair. However, the secrecy was enough for me to feel betrayed. Full story in my profile.

His betrayal woke me up. Since then, I have analyzed my marriage every which way from Sunday, and it is not good. Actually, never has been. Fast forward to now and I can honestly say my marriage is over. There will be no fairy tale where he finally realizes what a wonderful wife he has and doesn't want to lose her. Today, he did something really shitty that totally solidifies what I have suspected ever since finding out about his betrayal, but has been present throughout my entire marriage. That is: I am not worth the effort to him. I am not worth the energy needed to expend in order to make his wife feel loved, respected, wanted, special, a partner, a friend. It had nothing to do with cheating or another female, just something he said that firmly confirmed my suspicions. And I am done, just done.


My Options:

1. Sit my husband down and have a heart to heart. Express how I feel and let him know I am serious that we either work on our marriage or it will end.


2. Assume Number 1 didn't work because of poor communication skills and get us into marriage counseling to better discuss the issues.

DONE - Wh quit after 5 sessions and walked away believing the counselor's advice was what wh has been saying all along. The issue is me, he has no issues and if I still have issues, I should go to counseling myself. IOW - NOTHING

3. Twist myself every which way under the sun to make things 'work', left, right, forwards, backwards, into the shape of a pretzel, you name it.

DONE - NOTHING. And not doing anymore. I'm too old for this bullshit.

4. Divorce

This is my favorite, actually. This is the option I want, this is the BEST option for all concerned, no doubt about it. This is the option I roll around on my tongue each and every day. I can see it, life without him and it doesn't look that bad. Where once I couldn't imagine my future without him, couldn't see it at all in fact, now I can't imagine it WITH him. When I picture the future, he is not in it.

So the choice is clear, right? Well....

I saw a lawyer; two in fact. THEY also told me my options.

a. Legal Separation - Get child support, alimony and keep Health Insurance

GREAT OPTION - accept wh will NEVER go for that. He is not stupid. Legal Separation costs just as much as a D.
Oh, and that will cost a non-optional $3000.

b. Divorce - Get child support, alimony, no Health Insurance.

And that will also cost a non-optional $3000. Well, as long as we both agree to everything. Otherwise it will cost much, much more.

AND THAT'S WHY D is NOT an option at this time. I have been a SAHM for 14 years, and also I'm older now. My plan has been to get work, and I don't doubt I will, but hasn't happened yet. Ageism and unemployed for so long = Very hard to get a job. Also, been saving a little at a time, but nowhere near the amount I need. That WAS fine for me, I was willing to wait 6 months, even a year until I got all my ducks in a row. I have been detaching emotionally, rather successfully I might add, though I have not detached physically, and quite frankly, why should I? Well, at least that's how I felt until now.

But now, I am just DONE. He doesn't deserve one second, one piece, one iota of any part of me. Only problem is, I have NO DUCKS to get in a row.
Family and friends? I have a few, but they're in no position to help really. One family member basically told me I'm STUCK. Yeah, I agree.

5. Last OPTION: PLEASE do not throw things at me. I don't mind 2x4's, but please don't beat me up.

Find my own friend, a new friend. One who actually WANTS to spend time with me, do things with me, is interested in making me laugh, doesn't knock every thought or feeling I have.

I know how that sounds, but it's been FOURTEEN years of this. FOURTEEN years with someone who has made ZERO effort in our marriage, does nothing with me EVER, except watch TV and have sex. Is not even interested in doing anything else with me. I can't talk to him about ANYTHING, it always turns into what I'm doing wrong. Even sex, most of it is to satisfy him. Oh, he throws me a bone every once in awhile (PUN INTENDED!), but half the time I swear it's done grudgingly.

I am literally dying of thirst! Fourteen years is more than a drought, it's the goddamn Mojave Desert! I am starved for affection, attention, conversation. And don't misunderstand, I don't EXPECT my husband to meet my every single need, nor do I feel he is responsible for my happiness. I would never have lasted this long if I believed that way.

But what I am getting from him, what I HAVE been getting from him for 14 years is bullshit. I'm done. Again, I know how this sounds, but don't panic. I don't have anyone waiting in the wings and spinning justifications so I can be with 'him'. There is no one where I can act on anything.

But honestly, my thought processes are scaring me right now because I do recognize how this all sounds.

So, how the hell do I end this? How do I make this OVER when I have NO DUCKS to line up?

Does anyone here see another available option? Anyone here 'ended' their marriage even though no one left the marital home or filed for D?

BTW, there IS a good chance if I somehow REALLY got through to him that the marriage is over he might actually go file for D. Not sure if that helps or hurts me?

Nature_Girl posted 6/10/2013 14:09 PM

Wow, so many similarities between you & me.

I say you divorce him anyway. Your lawyer can set up temporary support for you via the court while the divorce goes through. Meanwhile you go to the welfare office, the food stamp office, and the women's resource center at your local community college. This last one is critical. Get yourself plugged into the network devoted to women like you & me. There are scholarships & grants available, there are short-term intensive classes available that will make you more desirable in an employer's eyes.

It is shocking just how low you might find yourself willing to go if you've been hurt badly enough.

Take2 posted 6/10/2013 14:17 PM

I'd go with a modified Option 4. Your ducks? Employment, Insurance, and an emergency stash... I get that they are wandering far afield but they are out there.

Like you I was 50 when the D decision was made, hadn't worked in 15 years... I'm okay. I negotiated continued health insurance coverage extending a year out from the divorce...and the D took 2+ years. His retirement is 1/2 mine, when the day comes...

Nothing saying you have to find all your ducks in a day. Take your time. Go back to school, get training, or start your own business. Continue to detach and build your life one block at a time. If he is content to just sit there... Let him. Keep your eye on the goal!

I know it isn't an awesome plan - but it may be your only realistic one... your fifth option is just asking for more trouble... IMHO

OnTilt posted 6/10/2013 17:05 PM

Thanks Nature Girl and Take2. Looks like I have something in common with you both and it gives me some hope knowing that it can be done and I don't have to be stuck.

Sucks though.

I can't believe there was a time I thought I would never find myself in this position. I didn't worry about not working while I raised my kids because I believed I could always trust him and he would not take advantage of my dependence. I never even thought of it as my being dependent on him; he had his role and I had mine.

I can not believe I was that stupid.

Take2 posted 6/10/2013 17:21 PM

Yeah, I hear ya! The kicker is you made that joint decision for the good of the whole family, you walk away from school, a career... never stopping to recognize just how economically vulnerable you are, cause you trust someone you shouldn't have. (Someone who now tells people that I was lazy and refused to work.)

My lawyer asked why I wanted a D now (at a point when I was DONE and couldn't take any more), but what he was pointing out was that prior to the D I had resources that possibly wouldn't be available later - It was my L who advised me think strictly about my survival - all business, and financial, and encouraged me not to cut off my nose to spite my face... (Option 4) and he was right.

Nature_Girl posted 6/10/2013 17:54 PM

I can't believe there was a time I thought I would never find myself in this position. I didn't worry about not working while I raised my kids because I believed I could always trust him and he would not take advantage of my dependence. I never even thought of it as my being dependent on him; he had his role and I had mine.

I know, RIGHT????

I should have known. He constantly insulted me for being a drain on the household finances, for not contributing, for being a waste... I should have known he didn't value me or what I contributed. It's not in his nature. If it's not $$$, it has no value.

I gave up my art career. I had my own art business. I did it willingly to raise our children. The plan was that 2013 would be the year I could resume my business. WELL, not only is that NEVER going to happen (I couldn't ever make enough in that career to support me & the children as a single mom), I have to completely go outside my career, in fact I have to completely abandon it FOREVER and go get a low-level secretary job or something and be a desk jockey so I can make enough to support me & the kids. Even with SS & CS, it won't be enough to live on.


Grace and Flowers posted 6/10/2013 22:38 PM

I was 48 on D Day. Hadn't worked in my career in over 10 years, or any job at all in 6 years. It has been very difficult for me to find work at a wage that will support me.

One of my biggest concerns as well was health insurance. Do you currently have it through your WH? If so, then you will qualify for COBRA coverage for 3 years after the D. I negotiated that into the D settlement, and WXH pays that premium every month. I'm hoping that the new insurance programs coming into effect in 2014 will mean I can find an affordable private policy, if I haven't found a job that provides insurance by then.

I am now 50....and have never been happier. It has been VERY difficult. But SO worth it. I never have to speak to WXH, I get to live my own life, and date freely! And I get to dance, which nourishes my soul.

Although it's hard, when you come out on the other side, you will truly be free.

Best of luck to you!

peridot posted 6/10/2013 23:20 PM

I stayed for years because of the kids, I was a sahm and hadn't worked in years. I stayed because I thought I had no other choice. Then one day I did what I thought I would never do and filed for divorce. I was scared out of my freaking mind. I couldn't see it then but now I see how better off the kids and I are.

Sure, it's not going to be easy. You may struggle financially but you will find a way to make ends meet. You get the best damn settlement you can. Get as much money from him as you can in the divorce. If you have a credit card use that to file.

Don't waste more years in an unhappy marriage. It's not good for you or the kids. It may not feel like it now but years down the road I promise you that you and the kids will be much happier.

numbandnauseous posted 6/10/2013 23:24 PM

Hi OnTilt! I saw your name and recognized it from my early days of posting on SI. We are of the same d-day vintage. I think we exchanged PMs as well. I always wondered what happened to you and I am glad you are posting again.

Anyway, I am done as well and have been a SAHM as well (but only for 5 years).

You have been given good advice. Here is my 2 cents.

Last option is not a good idea (as you know). You will still have to be in the same house with him; you will not be living out in the open with your integrity intact. Don't let him do this to you.

How do you know he will not go for legal separation? Don't close any doors until you've tried them. But that doesn't sound like what you want anyway.

I will paraphrase a couple of great quotes I read on SI recently:
-when you jump, you'll realize that you weren't on a cliff, just a curb.
-jump and the net will appear

These (among many other things, along with a good IC) helped me through the last part of being afraid to file.

We are just anonymous internet posters; no one knows your situation as well as you do. In the end, you will have to decide what is right for you. I hope we have been helpful.

Hugs to you, (((((((OnTilt)))))

Lola2kids posted 6/11/2013 07:09 AM

We are just anonymous internet posters; no one knows your situation as well as you do. In the end, you will have to decide what is right for you. I hope we have been helpful.

Numbandnauseous, this is so wonderfully said!!
I just wanted to point out that this is the same advice my IC gave to me.

Hugs to you OnTilt. I know this is a very hard decision. Sometimes virtual hugs help.

ETA: my IC gave me the advice but she is not an anonymous internet poster

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 7:10 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

OnTilt posted 6/11/2013 15:15 PM

Thanks for all the support everyone. Wanted to reply to everyone but internet is on the fritz and typing on phone so will be brief.

Thanks sad for tip regarding Cobra!
Thanks everyone for their personal stories that are so similar to mine.

NAN, I remember you as well. We did PM a few times. I took a little hiatus from SI because I was becomimg a little obsessed! Anyway, I knew I had to spend more time really 'seeing' my reality and moving on and detaching rather than obsessing.

I was glad to see your posts and happy you are feeling so much stronger, but sad to see it didn't work out with your wh.

Wanted to write more but too hard to type on phone. Hopefully my internet will come back soon. Can't figure out why it's not working!

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