This post is going to be partly looking for some advice and partly a vent, but I am just totally at my wits end. Short background D-day# 1, October 2011. D-day#2 March 18, 2012. From what little evidence I gathered, determined wh at the very least had a couple of secret female 'friends', but I never found proof of an actual affair. However, the secrecy was enough for me to feel betrayed. Full story in my profile.
His betrayal woke me up. Since then, I have analyzed my marriage every which way from Sunday, and it is not good. Actually, never has been. Fast forward to now and I can honestly say my marriage is over. There will be no fairy tale where he finally realizes what a wonderful wife he has and doesn't want to lose her. Today, he did something really shitty that totally solidifies what I have suspected ever since finding out about his betrayal, but has been present throughout my entire marriage. That is: I am not worth the effort to him. I am not worth the energy needed to expend in order to make his wife feel loved, respected, wanted, special, a partner, a friend. It had nothing to do with cheating or another female, just something he said that firmly confirmed my suspicions. And I am done, just done.
1. Sit my husband down and have a heart to heart. Express how I feel and let him know I am serious that we either work on our marriage or it will end.
DONE - NOTHING
2. Assume Number 1 didn't work because of poor communication skills and get us into marriage counseling to better discuss the issues.
DONE - Wh quit after 5 sessions and walked away believing the counselor's advice was what wh has been saying all along. The issue is me, he has no issues and if I still have issues, I should go to counseling myself. IOW - NOTHING
3. Twist myself every which way under the sun to make things 'work', left, right, forwards, backwards, into the shape of a pretzel, you name it.
DONE - NOTHING. And not doing anymore. I'm too old for this bullshit.
This is my favorite, actually. This is the option I want, this is the BEST option for all concerned, no doubt about it. This is the option I roll around on my tongue each and every day. I can see it, life without him and it doesn't look that bad. Where once I couldn't imagine my future without him, couldn't see it at all in fact, now I can't imagine it WITH him. When I picture the future, he is not in it.
So the choice is clear, right? Well....
I saw a lawyer; two in fact. THEY also told me my options.
a. Legal Separation - Get child support, alimony and keep Health Insurance
GREAT OPTION - accept wh will NEVER go for that. He is not stupid. Legal Separation costs just as much as a D.
Oh, and that will cost a non-optional $3000.
b. Divorce - Get child support, alimony, no Health Insurance.
And that will also cost a non-optional $3000. Well, as long as we both agree to everything. Otherwise it will cost much, much more.
AND THAT'S WHY D is NOT an option at this time. I have been a SAHM for 14 years, and also I'm older now. My plan has been to get work, and I don't doubt I will, but hasn't happened yet. Ageism and unemployed for so long = Very hard to get a job. Also, been saving a little at a time, but nowhere near the amount I need. That WAS fine for me, I was willing to wait 6 months, even a year until I got all my ducks in a row. I have been detaching emotionally, rather successfully I might add, though I have not detached physically, and quite frankly, why should I? Well, at least that's how I felt until now.
But now, I am just DONE. He doesn't deserve one second, one piece, one iota of any part of me. Only problem is, I have NO DUCKS to get in a row.
Family and friends? I have a few, but they're in no position to help really. One family member basically told me I'm STUCK. Yeah, I agree.
5. Last OPTION: PLEASE do not throw things at me. I don't mind 2x4's, but please don't beat me up.
Find my own friend, a new friend. One who actually WANTS to spend time with me, do things with me, is interested in making me laugh, doesn't knock every thought or feeling I have.
I know how that sounds, but it's been FOURTEEN years of this. FOURTEEN years with someone who has made ZERO effort in our marriage, does nothing with me EVER, except watch TV and have sex. Is not even interested in doing anything else with me. I can't talk to him about ANYTHING, it always turns into what I'm doing wrong. Even sex, most of it is to satisfy him. Oh, he throws me a bone every once in awhile (PUN INTENDED!), but half the time I swear it's done grudgingly.
I am literally dying of thirst! Fourteen years is more than a drought, it's the goddamn Mojave Desert! I am starved for affection, attention, conversation. And don't misunderstand, I don't EXPECT my husband to meet my every single need, nor do I feel he is responsible for my happiness. I would never have lasted this long if I believed that way.
But what I am getting from him, what I HAVE been getting from him for 14 years is bullshit. I'm done. Again, I know how this sounds, but don't panic. I don't have anyone waiting in the wings and spinning justifications so I can be with 'him'. There is no one where I can act on anything.
But honestly, my thought processes are scaring me right now because I do recognize how this all sounds.
So, how the hell do I end this? How do I make this OVER when I have NO DUCKS to line up?
Does anyone here see another available option? Anyone here 'ended' their marriage even though no one left the marital home or filed for D?
BTW, there IS a good chance if I somehow REALLY got through to him that the marriage is over he might actually go file for D. Not sure if that helps or hurts me?