Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Got sober, had an affair

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

onlifesterms posted 6/10/2013 13:58 PM

I am not sure how common this story is here, but I got sober a while back and in the early days of my recovery, met a man in the rooms of the anonymous program I am in that I started an affair with.

I am working right now on disentangling from the affair, and still have yet to talk to my BS about it at all.

I know that I have no good excuse, I just know that being sober for the first time in many years made me probably feel vulnerable and the fact that my marriage wasn't tended to for the years that I was drinking and for many years before that (one of the triggers for me to start drinking, I'm sure) and I really realized it after getting sober didn't help at all.

I'm very worried that I will not be able to stay sober through possible DDay and beyond OR if I continue to be secretive about it.

I'm not feeling too great about myself right now obviously.

authenticnow posted 6/10/2013 14:39 PM


Welcome to SI. Congratulations on getting sober. I have a son who is an addict and he tells me that he uses because he doesn't want to feel his emotions, it's just easier not to.

So...I guess that what comes with sobriety is dealing with life, without the haze of the drug, whatever it is. The thing is, sometimes the drug just gets replaced with another. Your A is a good example of that.

Sorry to be so longwinded. I guess I just wanted to ask what you are doing to prepare for this onslaught of emotions, of actually feeling stuff, now that you're sober. What healthy coping mechanisms have you learned? If the answer is none, then it's time.

Are you in IC (individual counseling)? You need to learn healthy ways, develops healthy tools, to manage your life without drugs, alcohol, cheating.

You also need complete NC (no contact) from the OM. Are you NC?

I know it's a lot right now, but you also at some point (sooner rather than later) need to tell your BH.

Keep posting. You will get a lot of support here.


SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/10/2013 16:42 PM

Hi and welcome to SI!

My questions are where you are in your step process?
Do you have and use a sponsor, or a good network of women? You say you met the OM early in your recovery, did he replace using?
You're right, getting clean doesn't help without any work, recovery and clean time are two very different things.

I'll second AN you're eventually going to have to tell your BH. If you have a sponsor does she know? Tell her first. Get Support. You don't have to use.

Feel free to PM me anytime

onlifesterms posted 6/10/2013 18:46 PM

I am working steps, I have a sponsor and she knows about the A. She's not thrilled about it, but she knows that I'm on my own path and she's trying to support me in staying sober through my obvious insanity.

I am in individual counseling actually to deal with the death of a close family member, which occurred right before my A started.

I am unhappy that I have to find new meetings, probably out of town because my AP is in most of the ones I go to during the week. Hate it because I have made some other important connections there, but I've made my bed, so to speak, and must lie in it,

Yes, I can look at the A as being another addiction and definitely a distraction from reality.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/10/2013 20:26 PM

Both my BS and I had to leave our area. It's tough but we're settling in, almost a year later. You can maintain contact with certain people even if you have to go to different meetings. You also have potential to broaden that base, which is always good!!

Have you brought up your A to your IC?

Does your sponsor think you should tell your BS?

I missed this the first time

I am working right now on disentangling from the affair

Are you still in it? Have you gone NC?

I'm not feeling too great about myself right now obviously

You've started taking steps in the right direction, telling our sponsor, reaching out here. Be careful of the self pity, in my personal's a killer

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.