Hello everyone,
My wife and I have been in R for a short while now. We’ve had our ups and downs for sure. It’s never easy and even now, I am never sure things are stable. We’re one big blowup away from thinking/feeling it’s all been a waste.
Long story short, I betrayed her, hurt her, lied and cheated and through IC and MC we’re working. It will be years before I’ll ever think we’re back on track, but I am still here, not kicked out and I am devoting my everything to providing her an environment that is consistent, one she can depend on. I have to be trustworthy, depended on which I am doing. And Of course the family and the kids are my priority. I say thank you every day that I was given this chance and I am not going to blow it.
I was hoping someone could shed some light on the “stain” all this causes as despite my actions, my focus etc....the memories are still painful as is the realization that she never had/got the “princess and prince” marriage she was hoping for.
The stain of what I’ve done will likely never go away and this is what is hard for her now and perhaps prevents any further progress. She can’t doesn’t want to reconcile the past, she just wants to forget it.
I’ve been feeling more and more shame for this recently as I can see and feel how hard this is for her. It’s one thing to accept how I am now, but the memories of the lies and actions are hard to put away, especially when other people know as well. She told some friends what I did back then, and her perception of herself takes a hit when she realizes that she took me back and they k now it too I suppose. She feels “ashamed” I suppose that she didn’t kick me to the curb.
We were at a birthday celebration in a nice blues bar on the weekend, and a friend she had not seen in a year, asked if we were still together as I guess she had heard either what I did, or that simply we were apart or struggling. It hit her again then. She with all her friends, she was the one with the wayward husband. She gazed across the dance floor and saw all these husbands lovingly holding their wives and dancing, yet she got me. I wanted to dance with her, and asked and she said no. I wanted to hold her, but in front of them, I think she just didn't want to. I feel for her. Though I am committed, and perhaps I’ll even be better than I have always been, just accepting/reflecting that she got a marriage filled with lies and infidelity, makes her incredibly sad and maybe ashamed to be with me in front of her friends.
We’ve had our problems throughout the marriage. And we both had to work on things to make the relationship better. But I chose to cheat, lie and seek things outside the marriage. This is 100% on me. However, through IC, I have learned that it was never really about her. It was about my need for approval. I am happy to have learned all this, but this does nothing for her, nor does it address the “Stain”
Anyone has insight specifically for the stain that all this creates? A person may change, but their actions live for a long, long time.
[This message edited by permanentchange5 at 2:22 PM, June 10th (Monday)]