I feel this way, too, sometimes. It may be our R dealbreaker, not the A.
I don’t think you will forget how shabbily you were treated. But neither you or your H can go back and undo that. The only way to get rid of the sense of injustice and helpless feeling is if you see and feel real change. That won’t make you forget the past, but it will make it easier to accept it, I think. For me, if I have something hopeful to look forward to, I get focused on that and am able to spend less time on the bad feelings.
I kind of saw this with my WH. After d-day he just moped all the time. I think he was overwhelmed with all the bad stuff and felt it was hopeless. But as he starts to figure out how to deal with his problems, there has been a noticeable change – he realizes he CAN change things in the future, and he is much more positive and proactive.
One of the things I decided to do after d-day, was to be more selfish! I figure if he was selfish for 10 years, now it is my turn. Not to the degree of WH, of course – it’s not in my nature to use other people, so of course I still do way more for others than I need to/should. BUT I also do many things for me, that I didn’t do before, because I didn’t want to be “selfish.” I joined a fancy gym. I stayed at nicer hotels when I traveled. I stopped cooking and let him learn to do it. If I needed new socks, I bought them, instead of always trying to save money everywhere. This actually turned out to be good for us both. I feel like I am getting more of my needs met, plus a little well-deserved luxury for all the crap I put up with pre-A and during. H is happy because he gets to practice not being selfish, and he sees there is a way forward…actual things that he can do. And he has discovered that he loves cooking! It doesn’t have to (and shouldn’t) be just materialistic things – I say No to things more often, he takes more responsibility for starting conversations, practices really listening, gives backrubs.
You may find it easier to accept the past if you are actively involved in changing the future. I suggest you list ten “selfish” things you would like to do but never did because you put family first…and start doing them. As for your son, it is never too late for a parent to build a better relationship with their child – never. I hope your H is putting in major time and effort there.
Bottom line, I didn’t have the M I wanted either, and I put up with it for too long. It sucks, and I wish I could re-do it. But there are a lot of other injustices I have never suffered – I wasn’t born with any handicaps or medical problems; I wasn’t born in a country that frowns on education for women; I wasn’t born dirt-poor; etc. I try very hard not to think the universe singled me out for injustice by giving me a selfish H; and remember that I picked him because I was imperfect, naïve, etc. I do believe we have the ability to change ourselves and our futures, and on days when we are actively DOING things towards that, I feel pretty good and can almost forget the A pain.
It’s OK to feel that you are not 100% in R yet. Put your focus on whatever bothers you – work on being more selfish, and H work on being less. Both of you be the most awesome parents you can be to DS. You will probably not be all-in on the M until you have a little more equilibrium on the “selfish” thing, understandably so. But you and H can work on that together, and in working on something together, you may grow closer.
One thing I hear is that your H is being slightly defensive – mine did that too. Maybe instead of “I’m trying” what you need to hear is his acknowledgement for everything you have been through. I asked my H to write a letter based on one I got from a book, in which he wrote down everything that he knew had hurt me, and apologized. What I liked about it was the formula used: “I am sorry for [A]; you deserved [B].”
[This message edited by Lyonesse at 4:39 PM, June 10th (Monday)]