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Emotionally Immature

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Sam793 posted 6/10/2013 16:56 PM

I was always a huge procrastinator in my life and in my marriage. My BS had doubts about our marriage lasting long even before she found out about my infidelity but she stuck it out believing in the person she thought I could be.
After the multiple D Days full of TT, I became the husband my wife had wanted me to be for the 8 years of our marriage. I was not procrastinating and was helping her more with our DD. Those things are what would have made my BS ecstatic before the infidelity.
Now what she wants is a show of emotionally maturity. Sadly though
through all this, my emotional maturity has not improved at all. I raise my voice during discussions, I never bring up the affair, still haven't read a book, haven't been to very many IC sessions.
My wife was very angry about it last night and rightfully so. It will be a year in July and she feels we are no further ahead.
As I have posted before she feels I have not delved deep enough into what my feelings were for my AP.
How many of you didn't think you loved, luurved, or even liked your AP after the affair was over? But then days, months, or even a year later realized you did have feelings for AP. I still feel she meant nothing to me, but because of the length of the affair, my declarations of love in texts and emails my BS does not and will not believe me. She thinks I just need to delve deeper because my answers are just too generic and not personal. But how do you do that?

SurprisinglyOkay posted 6/10/2013 17:03 PM

Well, my best answer is... read the books. Go to IC. Talk about the A without her having to bring it up. Share with her if you have triggers. Talk with her about things you realize about yourself. Open up and share with her.
I struggle with procrastination too, make a list. The more days that go by and those tasks aren't done the more driven you will be to accomplish them.

Do you want to mature?

[This message edited by broevil at 5:36 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

badchoice posted 6/10/2013 21:17 PM

Like broevil has said, read, go to IC, journal, really examine you're life. That is how you figure yourself out. It isn't easy or fun, but you should look at it as needed so you can grow as a person and a father.

As for not procrastinating ans helping with your DD, those are the things you are supposed to do. It doesn't sound like you BW is giving you any extra create for those things, and wants to see real change in you.

Why aren't you reading? Going to IC, or share yourself with your BW. You can stop the affair, but if you don't change your behavior, than what do you think is going to happen?

What are you feelings about your AP? You are a year out, are you finding that they are changing, one way or another?

It seems like you keep asking for answers on here, what is keeping you from digging in to yourself?

hardlessons posted 6/10/2013 21:29 PM

How are you going to become emotionally mature for yourself when all your posting about is what your wife thinks?

Did your wife make your choices? Tell you what to think? I didn't start the process of maturity until I took responsibility for my own healing and focusing on myself. The only time you post is when your wife says "WTF". Take control, make a choice. Good luck

Listeningclosely posted 6/11/2013 06:38 AM

It sounds like you still haven't started the journey to figuring out the "why" of it all. At least not beyond surface level stuff. As the others have said, the actions of going to IC, reading and more importantly discussing your thoughts on what you've read with your BS, and journaling are visible signs you are trying to get to the two words that show you are maturing:

Self awareness.

Until you can see your own flaws and gaps, and explain how they got there, you can't begin to do something to ensure they don't happen again.

mindbody posted 6/11/2013 17:22 PM

I was always a huge procrastinator in my life and in my marriage.

S793, I read your profile and have read some of your other threads/posts. You wrote you are on AD's. Has anyone ever suggested or tested you for ADD or ADHD? I have no professional background or credentials - I am only speaking from personal experience.

Emotionally immaturity as well as procastination and not following through are just some of the many symptoms.

she feels I have not delved deep enough into what my feelings were for my AP

You need to either do this because R is a priority or find out why you are choosing not to delve deeper. If there is ADHD or ADD, and you really want to step up to the plate, then you can receive help.

Either way, it's up to you.

Sam793 posted 6/11/2013 22:45 PM

Thank you all for your replies. I found an IC that after a brief conversation felt comfortable with him. I see him Friday. I downloaded a book her recommended and one that HL recommended in another post.

My BW sent mr a text at work tonight and asked me to read minds post. I laughed because I've been known to say to people at work I have self diagnosed ADHD. My BW then sent me examples she found that described me. I was a little busy finishing a bunch of paperwork I've left to the last minute and just glanced over them. I decided to do a quick online quiz a few minutes ago and though I take these with a grain of salt I scored high for adult ADHD. I had my BW take it as she sees me and we were one point off each other. So though this is no excuse, it's a good starting point with my new IC. Thank you again mind.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/11/2013 22:52 PM

Dude. You are tanking yourself.

My guess is that the 'no longer procrastinating' and helping with DD is seen by your BW as actions that you are taking just to placate her and keep her off your back. When you get into heated discussions do you make sure to point out that you are doing these things? Because if you do....then I'm sure that your 'efforts' are working against you.

She wants to see you grow up. And you grow by learning. By reading the books and by having discussions with your IC....things that you seem to be blowing off.

She wants to be your wife. Your life partner. Not your mother. Start taking responsibility for yourself and do what you need to be doing in order to be a healthy man for her to be married to.

Ashland13 posted 6/12/2013 09:56 AM

Do you know what you were escaping from when you initially chose to take things up with AP? What was happening in your life, in your M and so on?

I wonder if your BW is searching for the roots of what happened...this is a journey I've been through and each of you may enter. Several counselors have said to me that true healing can't happen without all of the puzzle pieces. I had this whole analogy going about plants and how a's can sometimes start from a seed and spread into an entire plant, as an EA becomes a PA and so on...

What was the seed about, or where did it come from and so on?

Sam793 posted 6/13/2013 11:34 AM

I'm taking a different route in order to help myself. I have a hard time reading books. Either I start reading them and stop or it takes me forever to read one unless I can limit the distractions. I had started "Not Just Friends" and in the fashion of Sam793 got off to a good start then it tanked. So since I spend three hours in the car a day going to and from work, I've downloaded the audiobook version. I will focus this time.

badchoice posted 6/13/2013 11:47 AM

I've downloaded the audiobook version. I will focus this time.

Sam, I think that is a great action that shows that you are making a choice to follow through with a commitment. I think this is a good first step to taking responsibility, and take care of yourself.

Good job and
keep making these types of choices!

alphakitte posted 6/13/2013 12:48 PM

I've downloaded the audiobook version. I will focus this time.

Good for you!

Consistently making good choices will show improvement.

Sam793 posted 6/13/2013 14:51 PM

I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. That was an awesome way to keep my attention to the task at hand. I felt I actually was productive while driving.

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