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Are we supposed to Fake it 'till we Make it?

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BlindSighted2013 posted 6/10/2013 17:10 PM

D-day was only a month ago. Excepting the first week fog, each day since then my WH has carried the load in ways that I really never would have guessed him capable.

He keeps telling me that HE is committed to R, and that one day at a time we will try to R.

I have never felt such gutteral primal pain in my 50 years on this earth. I am scared to death that if we R, that this pain may be with me for the rest of my life. I keep reading stories here on SI about BS's who still have waves of this pain 3+ years post D-Day and more.

Like someone else posted in a thread over the weekend, I am NOT okay with WH having had a 12 yr affair. He hid it so well out in plain sight; now that I have learned the truths, I see that he was loyal to HER for the past 12 yrs rather than to me.

He didn't come clean for three days after I confronted him...and it took him 7 days to go NC. How can I ever trust him again? And more importantly, how can I ever trust that *I* will eventually feel safe in this relationship ever again?

Do I still love him? I guess that I must...I used to love him dearly, but I think that maybe I am still numb? (egad when the rest of the feeling returns)

This past month has been Hell for both of us. I have taken ODAT to do basic life functions like eat, shower, exercise, and sleep. I am self employed and have worked when I can, but only about 1/2 of my normal schedule. He has worked 12 hour days plus spent 4-6 hours per day doing what needs done around here and then talking with me and holding me. And yes, that means that we are both operating on very little sleep.

It is still too soon for me to know if I CAN or am willing to stay in this relationship (I can't yet call it a marriage because I feel like he demolished what was). We were married for 33 years, 12 of them he was in a LTA. I do NOT take marriage lightly...we have been through major life events together and have always worked together. It's just that I really am starting to think that this pain may be unbearable for me and that we WILL never be able to be the same. I don't think that I WANT to be "different" yet stronger. Am I whining? Someone please give me a 2x4 if I need it.

I have read here that it eventually gets better, but it would be REALLY helpful for me if some of you BS here could share 1)how you eventually made up your mind to choose to deal with this pain rather than chucking it all and divorcing? and 2)at what point did you somehow make the mental decision that you WOULD choose to try to Reconcile?

Or did you all simply put one day in front of another and just Fake it 'till you Made it? (to R)

[This message edited by BlindSighted2013 at 5:11 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/10/2013 17:27 PM

At almost four months out my only commitment is to "attempt reconciliation."

I have not made up my mind to D or to keep trying R until we make it. I don't even know if that's possible.

The way my MC put it is this: D is final. If you're not sure, wait.

You don't have to make a decision now. In fact, you're still in early days.

For me, the pain was intense for the first three months, then became manageable. It wasn't until about 20 days ago that I started being able to think straight.

If you don't know what to do, do nothing. Well, do your best to take care of yourself. And post here. People on SI are great.

Stay strong. Go to IC if you can.

sisoon posted 6/10/2013 18:11 PM

First, the pain is now yours. R is hard work, but so is D, especially after a long M. You have to deal with the pain no matter what you choose to do - you can only go through it; you can't go around or away from it. The good part of that is that you can really go for what you want, 'cause every outcome sucks.

I don't read any whining at all. I understand you want things to be the way they seemed. That's just not possible - but it is possible for you to thrive and find joy again, with or without your H.

IMO, you have to heal yourself - most of that is processing the pain (grief, anger, fear) of being betrayed and figuring out what you want.

Your H has to heal himself, too - he needs to deal with his feelings like you do, plus he has to change so he doesn't betray anyone ever again.

If you both want R, you heal your M together.

I had done a good deal of therapy before D-Day, so I knew how to let my feelings flow pretty well, but I also did IC, because there were more and stronger feelings than I ever thought possible. If you can't let your feelings flow, I suggest trying IC - and don't discount meds, if the pain is too great, so that means an MD, hopefully a good psychiatrist (because they specialize in psycho-active drugs).

I didn't commit to R until I observed my W act consistently for R for 90 days.

Shirley Glass sets up a stage of 'working on the M' for people while they're deciding what outcome they want. In this stage, you do the things you'd do if you were in R and the things you'd do to make your decision. That may be the best approach for you now.

But the first thing you need to do, after taking care of your physical health, is to feel your feelings and let them go.

Check into the Healing Library (link in yellow box, upper left of SI pages) - you'll find a lot of useful stuff there.

Also, it sounds like you're doing the right things the right way. It may take a long time to process your pain, but you're setting yourself up to do what's necessary. The road is awful, but it will smooth out eventually.


BlindSighted2013 posted 6/11/2013 16:33 PM

Thank you for your responses. They help.

Sisoon, loved the way that you put this:

First, the pain is now yours. R is hard work, but so is D, especially after a long M. You have to deal with the pain no matter what you choose to do - you can only go through it; you can't go around or away from it. The good part of that is that you can really go for what you want, 'cause every outcome sucks.

I think that I am kind of whining...well, maybe we can call it grieving? I don't WANT to go through it. I WANT to go away from it. I WANT someone to tell me how I can go away from it.

I didn't choose this. Wahh, wahh...but I do see what you are saying. Not my choice, but it's here.

We have a modest home and yard that I used to adore. Now I hate it. I hated it on D-Day and those feelings haven't wavered. He did not bring her into our home, but to me the home is one gigantic symbol of how I thought that my world was stable and just found out that it was a lie.

The TRUTH is that I am the one who did most everything here anyway, but somehow that just doesn't mean a thing to me ATM.

WH says that we can just re-do it all and make it "ours" again. Nope, he's in a dream because for 12 yrs he ignored our home and finances, and now we are in our 50s and there is no $ for makeovers to make me feel better.

Yes, we bought the book by Shirley Glass and so far we are reading just a page or two and then spending an hour or more discussing. It is excellent for focusing on picking up the pieces, you are right.

You say to feel the feelings and then let them go. The feelings don't seem to "go" for me yet, but it's probably still too soon?

sisoon posted 6/11/2013 16:43 PM

The more positive you can keep your self-talk, the better.

You've been traumatized. Expect to be confused. Expect to be indecisive. Expect to whine. Expect to wallow in self-pity. Expect great grief, great rage, and great fear. Expect great volatility of feelings (the 'roller coaster').

Keep telling yourself these feelings and these ups and downs, lefts and rights, backwards and forwards, and being stuck in the dumps - all of this is normal.

Keep telling yourself you can get through this and thrive.

You'll be telling yourself the truth, and truth helps you heal.

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